p. A-17
“Standing steadfastly in
the faith of that which is to come.” As
we begin to experience some of the promises listed on the right side of the
model we will find ourselves not able to keep them perfectly. We will have to be satisfied with consistency
no constancy. Standing steadfast in hope
for ourselves and faith in Christ, we must realize that it takes time to rid
ourselves of the “old ways.” Our nature
has been changed, not our past. [We are
still subject to the mortal conditions and the desires of the flesh.] We must give ourselves allowance for these imperfections
and be willing to admit them and accept them.
“When we relapse, we
must not get discouraged or despair that these principles do not work. We must keep trusting in God, realizing that
often His pattern is to ease our burden before relieving our bondage altogether
(Mosiah 24:14)…
If our hearts are
changed, we can be absolutely certain that we will see that change begin to
manifest itself outwardly, albeit gradually.”
2 N 4:17 Nephi’s Prayer- “O wretched man that I am! … Nevertheless I know in whom I have
trusted.”
Yesterday I did some soul searching after having received
some feedback. I have realized how truly
difficult a person I am to live with. I
even congratulated my husband for having endured marriage with me all these
years. In my life-perspective of
self-mastery and improvement it is a constant push. That combined with the natural tendency to
focus on the negative makes people feel like they are never good enough because
I am always trying to ‘fix’ them or tell them how they need to change. It is difficult for people to work with
me. In this specific circumstance where
I got feedback, I was treating this person as if they were ‘on the team’ when
they were not yet. By that I mean that I
was offering her feedback and trying to help her progress toward the common
goal, but we did not have a common goal nor did we see eye to eye.
What I have realized in this situation is that
until they are ‘on the team’ meaning riveted to Christ, and feel that I love
them; until that point I need to build trusting relationships and make deposits
through kindness and charity.
Yesterday I felt changes happening within my mind
and heart though I have not bee yet been able to explain what they were. One thing was a disillusionment of the saint I sometimes
perceive myself to be. Any saint-likeness is in my own mind and heart- maybe within my
intentions or before my Maker. I know I
am trying and doing my best, and that is acceptable to the Lord. However the reality is my wretchedness as
described above. In some way yesterday I
came to accept that; not necessarily as a permanent part of my eternal-self,
but at least as part of my natural-self.
So I can now accept the ways I am “ornerier that snot” when I bark at my
children or my husband, instead of trying to contort myself into a self-expectation
of always being sweet- as my image of who I think I should be. I think this is an unreasonable
expectation. What is important is that
what I say, I say with love; and that does not always mean being sweet. I can say something loudly and loving-
because of who I am – and even with a smile or a bit of humor. As long as I do not feel anger blame or
resentment, then I can accept this as part of myself for now- until the Lord
sees fit to change my nature.
I feel a new peace in this self-acceptance.
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