7-2-11 Thoughts for Joshua

Thoughts for Joshua



Patience is a gift of God.  My patience as a Mother is supported by the hand of God from day to day.  Every day I pray for grace.  Some days that support is removed like this morning so that I can learn to ask for help and invite you into my heart. 



This morning you asked what happened.  I told you what Teren did.  Then you left.  I needed you to stay.  I needed you to listen.  What I am telling you now I need you to remember for next time this happens.



When I get stuck in this pit, I need you.  Asking for that help is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do.  I feel abandoned when you leave me to suffer alone.  Yet, having not asked for help, I can understand it.



What you see happening on the outside is a world apart from what is happening to me on the inside.  I need you to either be with me to listen, or to take care of the children so I can work it out with the Spirit.  When I am forced to try to take care of the children while feeling this pain, my capacity to love them is nil and on the verge of snapping.  I survive only and do not really provide them what they need because I do not have the capacity to love them in my pain. 



When I got angry this morning it was because of an injustice that was done to me.  I did not suffer myself to be meek.  Teren flippantly hit me in the eyes with her shirt, then she hit me because I was saying something she didn’t like.  I feel the sense of injustice because as her Mother it’s my job to help her learn the truth.  I have to help her learn what is acceptable behavior as a disciple of Christ, and what is not.  So when she hits me exerting force on me, I feel I have to correct that.  So I get angry and feel like I want to hurt her because I do not have control over my own emotions.  Thereby showing her a bad example of a disciple of Christ, and that makes me angry at myself.  Thus I get thrown in the pit and can’t figure a way out.



What is to be done?  I’m sure there are un-truths in my thinking but I cannot see them.  All I can do is throw myself at the mercy of the court of Heaven recognizing that in my hypocrisy I am totally undeserving of such help.   Yet I know there is no other source that can rescue me from this pit.



There comes a ray of hope that in time it will all turn out alright.  Teren’s ill-tempered behavior will self-correct over time if I am meek and show a good example.  I have to return good for evil and turn to the Lord in my pain, for no one but the Lord God of Israel has the power to deliver me. 

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