11-13-11 same chapter continued p.120


11-13-11    same chapter continued p.120

“Our objective is not to go to others and say, “You hurt me and I forgive you” in a condescending manner.  Our objective is to say, “I have retained a lot of self-pity and defensiveness over this problem between us, and I need to apologize for that.” 

Talk about hit me right between the eyes!  I have wanted to apologize and make amends but I think in my past attempts they have been of this first attitude.  I forgive myself for that because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  Now I see how I can know how to do better. 

Counterfeit peace:
I think this is what I have experienced before in my life.  Perhaps this is why I despise “masks” and “pretending” so much.  Deeply, it kills me.    I love her words, ‘a veneer of “fineness”’  It’s like when we use the cliché’, “How are you today; oh fine”.  We pretend we are fine, but we are not.  I think we answer that way because we don’t believe the question is sincere or that anyone really cares to know the truth.  The ‘cover up’ is all a great big fat lie!

I like what she says about covering up our feelings,

“The only problem is that when that outward peace has been purchased by denying and avoiding our real feelings, we have paid too far high a price.”

She talks about how this deadens our listening skills and then we fail to listen to the Holy Ghost who speaks to us through our feelings.  I have seen that this is true in my life.  The Spirit has lead me to get out of ‘the cover up’ by sharing my feelings with others.  I used to be so closed.  I was so afraid that people didn’t care or that they didn’t want to listen to what I had to say.  After all the rejection in my youth, I eventually stopped trying.  I turned into a victim and licked my wounds.  During the process of getting out of my victim pit in the past for years, one of the things the Spirit has lead me to do is to share my feelings with others.  It started with a class I was taking with the Quintilian School of Oratory.  The mentor encouraged us every time we talked to share what we were learning with others.  This was so powerful because it not only taught us how to be Orators through practice, we also learned as we taught.  More importantly I had to have courage to share, which started to help me see that others did care what I thought.  It was a vital beginning for me.

The List: 

I am scared.  I tried making amends before when I thought I should, but I hurt others worse.  I shouldn’t have done it then; it was too soon and I hadn’t forgiven them so it came out as poison.  I wish I could go back and take it all back…  I wish someone would have told me what the right time looked like.  How do I know I am ready to do this so that it will not hurt anyone anymore!  That’s’ the whole stinkin’ reason I feel so bad in the first place is because I hurt them.  I don’t want to offend anymore.  I have relied on God’s love to do what I thought I should do, and now it’s worse.  I am letting fear control me because I fear their ill will against my prospective actions, and therefore my fear creates my reality.  Maybe that’s prejudice…

Alma 7:15… Show unto your God that ye are willing to repent… 

“If we will pray for the gift of His love, to be able to feel about others they way the Lord does, we will be able to transcend any barrier that keeps us from coming to peace with everyone.”

I will write the letter, keep it in my heart; then when they are ready I will give it.

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