Step 4
Yesterday I went into my storage room to pull out
some herbs. This is the most disorganized
room in the house and I feel so much anxiety when I’m in there. When I am stressed out in the moment, I
“table” stuff here to deal with it later, because I am not able to in that
moment. I know it’s a bad habit and I am
working on putting stuff away. I am
better with other areas in my home, but this is my dreaded room. Yesterday when I went in, I wondered about
the parallel process that seems to be happening in my body and in my spirit or
my proverbial heart. I wondered if there
is not one last room in the home of my heart that I am trying to disclose to
avoid pain; a dead uncircumcised part of my heart. Through this 12 Step process I have been
slowly opening up those rooms and facing the demons in my closets. Yesterday was a break-through of facing and
dispelling the negative voices in my head with Kirk Duncan’s “Dot People”
CD. I am fighting a good fight right
now. I’m not sure if I’m ready to open
up anymore rooms yet…
I’m sure there are still places in my faith that lack
confidence. If I had no ‘fear anger
resentment guilt or other negative feelings’ then I would have perfect faith
and as the Brother of Jared could not be kept from within the veil. I agree that these could be the result of
rooms where I was choosing ‘to harbor’ these feelings. I love this sentence:
“To ‘circumcise’ our
hearts, we must be humble enough to reveal our innermost self.”
This has been my hearts’ desire all my life. I want to be free and live uninhibited of these
feelings being free of fear and all the other negative feelings. I think that’s what it would look like to be
emotionally free from bondage. Yes
sometimes God is angry, but it not about Himself. He gets sad because of our actions, not
because we ‘are not obeying’ Him as I tend to do with my children. For Him it is NOT about self-anything. It is all FOR us. I want to live with this kind of benevolence
and self-mastery. I will keep pushing
forward and in time I will win the prize.
I love that picture of revealing our innermost self- being totally
free.
Wow! I just
found a scripture that confirms this!! (the thought about perfect faith and
rending the veil of unbelief). 2 N 9:23 “having
perfect faith in the Holy One of Israel, or they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God
Hum… “one memory in each of these areas – fear,
resentment, and guilt – that has not been totally cleansed from your heart.”
Well, fear is easy.
I have been realizing I have a lot of fear in what other people think of
me. It completely effects the way I
interact with people, the way I see myself, and the power of influence I do or
don’t have in my life. I have been
hearing the whisperings of the Spirit to “fear not what man can do” and to
“love God above all else”. I have been
taking big steps to overcome these fears by sharing my feelings with
others. I have offended some
people. Now that I have some courage to
open up my heart, I see that those unpleasant feelings need an outlet only to
God and Him alone. I have offended them
because they fear being rejected by others just as I do. I have hurt them because they want to be
loved and accepted just as I do. These
feelings make them feel my disapproval and rejection which drives them away
from unity and into loneliness; away from the Savoir, if they do not choose to
take their negative feelings to the feet of the Savoir. This process has increased my commitment to
praise, validate, and accept and has brightened my determination. At the same time Elder Oaks gave a talk
called Our Strengths Can Become Our
Downfall http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=570
He said that there is a balance between love and
acceptance and standing for truth. I am
trying to learn that balance now. So
fear—yes it’s there. But focusing on it
will only make it grow. I must focus on
the antidote solution in order to overcome the fear. And I know that antidote is the affirmations
I learned yesterday with Kirk. These
will change my heart of fear and disbelief (about myself) to a state of being
believing and tender.
Side note:
Council with the Lord in ALL thy doings… do I ask Him what goals He wants me to achieve? Do I ask Him what needs to be done for today? This idea is permeating deeper and deeper saturating all areas of my life. I did not ask today, and I did not feel joy of doing what was most important. There was something else the Lord wanted me to do, and I did not deviate from my ‘planned schedule’ in order to do it. I listened to the song “Give ye to me” by Hilary Weeks and I saw in my mind a beautiful shining bulls-eye representing the way my life is when I live and obey the Spirit. There is one way in following the Spirit. Today I was off a few degrees. I did what I thought I needed to do, but there was something more important that I should have been doing. I want to live in this one right place and not outside it in disobedience. I want to do what He wants me to do. I need to submit my will more to His.
Council with the Lord in ALL thy doings… do I ask Him what goals He wants me to achieve? Do I ask Him what needs to be done for today? This idea is permeating deeper and deeper saturating all areas of my life. I did not ask today, and I did not feel joy of doing what was most important. There was something else the Lord wanted me to do, and I did not deviate from my ‘planned schedule’ in order to do it. I listened to the song “Give ye to me” by Hilary Weeks and I saw in my mind a beautiful shining bulls-eye representing the way my life is when I live and obey the Spirit. There is one way in following the Spirit. Today I was off a few degrees. I did what I thought I needed to do, but there was something more important that I should have been doing. I want to live in this one right place and not outside it in disobedience. I want to do what He wants me to do. I need to submit my will more to His.
No comments:
Post a Comment