10-27-11
“He
did deliver me from bondage” p.116, Day
3
Yes, I have seen people both forgive and
people who have been hostile to me in my attempts apology.
“What
does this verse teach us about our resolve to be “defenseless” even in the face
of such hostility?”
I like v. 18 even better:
18 And this they did, it being in their view a testimony to God,
and also to men, that they anever would use weapons
again for the shedding of man’s blood; and this they did, vouching and bcovenanting with God, that
rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would cgive up their own lives;
and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather
than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands.
I think I have not been willing enough to
suffer the retribution of the pain I originally caused. I was not willing to accept any reaction
either way, but only wanted forgiveness to get it over with. That is for my benefit, but what about their
path to healing? I had a responsibility in
causing a downward cycle that hurt someone else. I chose to hold offense for many years and it
discolored my whole world view, and soured many relationships. Then in my attempt to healing my own pain, I
blamed without having first seen my part in it.
I wish I wouldn’t have said anything until I was totally healed. Now I see differently. I see them differently, and me
differently. As children we were both
hurting and starving for love and acceptance.
Like an addict, I was desperate to get it from any source that would
give it. I got it from boys. The acceptance was temporary and superficial. I have seen in my life that if a child does
not get acceptance from home that they will never feel truly accepted anywhere
else they go. This other person still
feels rejected in our own family, and I do not feel accepted either. The pain is very deep and silent. I ruptured and amplified their pain when I
tried to apologize without recognition of my own error. Now they feel rejected even more and I have
deepened their pain. How do I make it
right? What rejection and repercussion
must I willing to suffer so that they can see I am sincere and have buried my
weapons of blame and offense? I am now
healed by the Savoir of the pain of the past, but they still hurt. My heart weeps for them. What can I do? Maybe I will have to suffer their rejection
for the rest of my life, but I must still return kindness and love. I must remember that the outward behavior is
a manifestation of their inner pain and not take offense to it, but understand
it and have compassion for it. With full
intent, I am now willing to prostrate myself before their mercy of what ever
reaction they may have, so that they may see my sincerity in repentance and
hopefully eventually feel my love and acceptance for them. Then and only then I will be at peace having
set right the cycle I once started.
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