11-15-11
“He
did deliver me from bondage” p.
126, Day 1
I feel Nephi’s words with
the ‘sins that do so easily beset me’. I
have felt the ‘thorn in the flesh’ like Paul and because of my pride must have
it remain lest I fall because of vanity.
God’s grace is truly sufficient for me.
It is the weak things of the world that will thrash the nations, not
those who are confident and strong. I am
mighty only in relying on His strength and I depend on Him only because I know
I am so small and weak; I am nothing without Him, but with Him I CAN do
ANYthing. -1 + infinity still =
infinity. He will do with me what He
sees fit and I will trust in Him. He
gives me the words; He gives me good desires; He lifts my thoughts, strengthens
my knees, and gives me wings. His love
is transcendent to my inadequacies. How
else would an unbelieving world see the hand of God?
It reminds me of a part in
“The Dream Giver” where after Nobody becomes Somebody he starts to fight
battles in the name of the Dream Giver.
Every battle he fights is another chance to give glory to the Dream
Giver. Every time he doesn’t know where
to strike, he asks for guidance. I love
the story of Joshua and the Walls of Jericho.
They were so small and weak compared to the great warriors on top of the
wall. It would appear to the would that
it was impossible for Joshua to obtain the land the Lord had promised him. Facts didn’t matter to Joshua; he believed
the Lord’s promise anyway. God gave him
instructions of what to do and he trusted God, despite whatever his eyes showed
him to the contrary. After he had
followed the instructions he kept believing, doubting nothing, as he watched
and waited in that moment; the very moment when it was God’s turn to keep His
promise. I believe the walls fell
because Joshua continued to believe, despite what his eyes saw. He just watched with perfect faith UNTIL they
fell. Maybe he even saw the image in his
mind of the walls falling. God was able
to keep His promise because Joshua did not doubt; because the 40 years of
wandering in the wilderness had prepared him to have perfect faith. He knew it because he had seen God keep His
promise time and time again.
In my own struggle, I have
slowly been learning a little bit of this kind of faith. My toilet has helped with the repetition,
creating the habit of believing and visualizing. Where I am currently feeling the most
inadequate is in my parenting skills. I
see the children yelling at each other because Josh and I yell. It’s painful to see results in my life that I
don’t like. I want to see them showing feelings
charity for each other: being kind, talking nicely etc… Perhaps it is unrealistic to think it can be
that way all the time; maybe at least for now.
In our learning phases there will be up and down times; we just have to
learn from the down times otherwise there is no benefit for having experienced
it in the first place. I get so
overwhelmed so easily. All the details
bog me down and I can’t see the big picture.
That’s when I start drowning. For
me, I have to have my eye of faith focused on the most important thing in order
to give meaning and purpose to all the small and simple things I do. It doesn’t work for me the other way
around. I loose motivation when caught
in the thick of thin things.
I was talking to my Mom
last night. She has been here now for
over a week taking care of me on bed-rest and taking care of the children. While I’ve been on bed-rest it has been a
good opportunity to take a step back and observe my children’s behavior, while
not having to take the active role of the care giver. I love how my Mom’s words are sweet, patient,
and kind. She is creating a nurturing
atmosphere of love. When I was in her
shoes a couple of weeks ago, I see that my words have been more snappy and
demanding, rather than sweet and king. I
have created with my words an atmosphere of contention.… Hence that is why Teren is snappy and demanding. Ouch.
I think somehow what I am focusing on is causing the tone of my voice
and the mood consequently that I create.
What have I been focused on? Some
days I’m just focused on surviving, feeling a heavy burden, just trying to make
it through. That focus is in the mud-
too short term to create positive results.
In my long-term vision of family I imagine and hope to create a family
where we have learned how to take care of ourselves, learned assets to serve
others, and then learned how to turn our focus outward to be a true friend to
the Savoir in moving forward His work serving and giving as a family. I suppose that does not mean that we have
learned how to be perfectly sweet to each other every moment of every day. Primarily it is more important that we are
moving forward toward that vision than it is perfection in each step. I think the step I have been missing is
getting my family focused on the vision with me, so they can see WHY I am
trying to help them do what I want them to do.
I have been wanting to learn how to share “vision” so now God sweetly
presents me this pain and the opportunity to solve it through sharing
vision. He is so merciful. It is truly amazing to me the ways the Lord
teaches me to help me gain real deep true change in my very state of BE. Not just learning to change my behavior of
DO, but that the source of the fountain becomes changed… which is what I have prayed for.
I am so thankful for the
gift of friends who help me understand my heart as we talk together (my Mom in
this case) and for the gift of writing that has helped me to clarify my pain
and the solution. I truly do have ALL
that I need, and God is ever so merciful.
It seems in our daily savings account I put in one penny of effort and
He puts in .99 cents. It’s so much more
than a 50/50 “401k” savings plan. I give
my widow’s mite, and He makes up all that I lack. I am so grateful for His mercy and
grace.
