10-15-11
p.
105, day 5
28 And they did look upon shedding the blood of their brethren with
the greatest abhorrence; and they never could be prevailed upon to take up arms
against their brethren; and they never did look upon death with any degree of
terror, for their hope and views of Christ and the resurrection; therefore,
death was swallowed up to them by the victory of Christ over it.
29 Therefore, they would suffer adeath in the most
aggravating and distressing manner which could be inflicted by their brethren,
before they would take the sword or cimeter to smite them.
I think when we truly
repent of a sin, the very way we look at it becomes changed. I used to have a problem with morality and
now my attitudes are night and day different about it. I used to take lightly sacred things (jokes
or movies), now I am very sensitive when I am in a situation where others are
being vulgar about sacred things. I used
to dress immodestly because I lacked love and acceptance, and respect for
myself. Now I have it from my Heavenly
Father and nothing else matters.
There is one person whom
I’ve offended that I know has not forgiven me.
I tried to apologize to them and they said that I had done the damage
and to save it. I was humiliated and
hurt. I went to pray and ponder it and
the answer came back to suffer it and be meek.
The Spirit gave me the power then to still have an open loving heart
toward them even though I was rejected. I
can’t say I have continued to feel that way ever after but I do understand
their pain. I rejected them first and
they were hurt. They were only reacting
according to human nature to give what they had been given. I do not blame them but I do long to repair
the damage and see their heart healed.
I am still at a loss as
what to do. I asked the advice of a
friend a couple months ago and she said they needed a lot of space: to wish
them a happy birthday and merry Christmas and leave them alone. I didn’t wish them a happy birthday directly
but I did send them a love sandwich (from Mel Fish’s book). I saw them in my mind’s eye a sent them my
feelings of apology and asked for forgiveness.
I have fasted and prayed (which I can’t fast anymore because I’m
pregnant.) I am waiting for the door to
be opened.
I would be willing to
suffer any degree of humiliation so that they would forgive me. I suppose any negative reaction could not be
worse than has already happened.
However, I don’t want to cause any deeper pain to them. My fear is that I will say something more to
offend them and drive them further away.
What more can I do? I do long to
be cleansed of regret and pain, but I do not have control of their side of the
relationship. I can only ask and
wait. Any pain I suffer after that can
be swallowed up in the Atonement. I
don’t know that rehashing it here will do any good. If I must apologize again I will. I wrote a letter, but I’m not sure it’s the right
time to send it. I want to, but I need
to do it when the time is right. Maybe I
could tell them to save it till they are ready…
searching for answers…
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