1-5-12 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.174

1-5-12

p.174  I am reading this just sobbing.  I imagined myself giving a ‘what I’ve learned in the 12 step program talk’ and this would be the closing.  It is everything I have been trying to convince others of this past 4 years, but I still have not learned to fully apply to myself.  I know she can say this with the power that she does because she has done it.  I am ready now to fully apply this ‘in all areas of my life’; in every thought words and deed.  Now I am ready to begin again. 

Hilary Weeks “Tender Behind the Mercy”  He is by my side: not because I deserve it, not because I’m elect or perfect ‘having no need for repentance’.  I beat upon my chest and pray for forgiveness.  He is here because I need Him, and because of mercy.  I am so undeserving.

“He loves me”

p.173  “There is only one way that… the perfection addict can stay out of the life-damaging tenseness and desire to control which their compulsion creates.”

I have been realizing more and more that it is not anger that is my addition.  I laugh at my folly to confuse the consequence with the stimulus.  At least I CAN laugh now, where as before I would have gotten angry at myself.  I can because I have learned to forgive though the Atonement.  I laugh at my ‘slowness’ to recognize my weakness.  As I read this it struck me.  Then after I got done studying, it came back into my mind.  This whole time I thought I had an anger addiction.  Now I see that  It is not anger that plagues me but perfectionism.  Maybe that’s why the Lord has been leading me to learn righteous influence.  I mean, if this weakness is turned into a strength then my tendency or desire to manipulate to get my way will turn into a powerful win-win situation, because I refuse to ‘lose’.  I started to read a small book yesterday called “The little green book of Getting what you want.”  Through this 12 step process I have learned at least to get my heart right before God: to want the right thing for the right reason.  Now I need to learn to get it in the right way, so that it leads others to Christ.