7-2-11 Thoughts for Joshua

Thoughts for Joshua

Patience is a gift of God.  My patience as a Mother is supported by the hand of God from day to day.  Every day I pray for grace.  Some days that support is removed like this morning so that I can learn to ask for help and invite you into my heart. 

This morning you asked what happened.  I told you what Teren did.  Then you left.  I needed you to stay.  I needed you to listen.  What I am telling you now I need you to remember for next time this happens.

When I get stuck in this pit, I need you.  Asking for that help is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do.  I feel abandoned when you leave me to suffer alone.  Yet, having not asked for help, I can understand it.

What you see happening on the outside is a world apart from what is happening to me on the inside.  I need you to either be with me to listen, or to take care of the children so I can work it out with the Spirit.  When I am forced to try to take care of the children while feeling this pain, my capacity to love them is nil and on the verge of snapping.  I survive only and do not really provide them what they need because I do not have the capacity to love them in my pain. 

When I got angry this morning it was because of an injustice that was done to me.  I did not suffer myself to be meek.  Teren flippantly hit me in the eyes with her shirt, then she hit me because I was saying something she didn’t like.  I feel the sense of injustice because as her Mother it’s my job to help her learn the truth.  I have to help her learn what is acceptable behavior as a disciple of Christ, and what is not.  So when she hits me exerting force on me, I feel I have to correct that.  So I get angry and feel like I want to hurt her because I do not have control over my own emotions.  Thereby showing her a bad example of a disciple of Christ, and that makes me angry at myself.  Thus I get thrown in the pit and can’t figure a way out.

What is to be done?  I’m sure there are un-truths in my thinking but I cannot see them.  All I can do is throw myself at the mercy of the court of Heaven recognizing that in my hypocrisy I am totally undeserving of such help.   Yet I know there is no other source that can rescue me from this pit.

There comes a ray of hope that in time it will all turn out alright.  Teren’s ill-tempered behavior will self-correct over time if I am meek and show a good example.  I have to return good for evil and turn to the Lord in my pain, for no one but the Lord God of Israel has the power to deliver me. 

7-2-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.30, Day 7

7-2-11                 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.30, Day 7

 “Capture this scripture for yourself.  What does it teach you personally?  Freedom from the bondage of addiction is a gift from God.  Here Alma thanks God for these great gifts.  What are they? Write about them in your own words.”

Alma 24:10

“And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son.”

Gifts: That we might repent, forgiveness, and taking away guilt.

v.11 Taken away our stain and our swords have become bright

v.14 the great God has had mercy on us, and made these things known unto us that we might not perish

v.16 they buried their weapons of war deep in the earth, that they may be kept bright as a testimony that we have never used them…

v.18 “it being in their view a testimony to God, and also to men, that they never would use weapons again for the shedding of man’s blood; and thus they did, vouching and covenanting with God, that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands.”

And they never did sin again since the time they were imparted the word of God.”

The gifts we see in v. 10 are the fruit of their harvest.  Their guilt was swept away because they did all they could do.  The emotional journey it took to go from hardened murderers to ones that were willing to give their lives for their brethren caused the deep commitment that they did never sin again.  This happened for some through a long process of repentance and showing their change of heart when they did bury their weapons of war for peace deep in the earth.  This happened for others in a matter of moments when they were in the very act of murdering those who had first repented.  Then they too prostrated themselves on the ground to kneel beside those they had been slaying.  (v.24-25)

These that chose to give rather than defend their lives in my mind reached the pinnacle of Christian discipleship.  Christ said to “Love your enemies, do good to them that use you and persecute you”.  We see here the results of one who chooses to ‘give rather than to take.’  They reversed the cycle of sin where bad is done and bad is repeated.  Here bad was done, repented, then bad done to them and good returned, and good repeated.  They reversed the cycle by returning good for evil. 

So what does this have to do with me?  These gifts: that I might repent, that I can be forgiven, and that my guilt can be swept away: Have I received these gifts?  Sometimes I think my guilt has been swept away, and then other times I feel like my whole future life must be spent showing that I will never turn again to my sin as a dog returns to his vomit.  Some of the sins of my past still cause me discomfort like ruptured relationships or how I was not a good friend in the past.  I think I have apologized to them, but received no forgiveness that I know of from them.  If this is all that I can do, then I need to let it go.  If there is something more I need to do, then I WILL DO IT  and be done with it, so that I will know I have done all I can do and stand still to see the salvation of my God. 

Some sins like my anger must be worked through slowly because real change is slow and happens from the inside out.  This is also true of my pride.  Sometimes I feel like some things I need to repent of will take me the rest of my life to change the cycle, but even now I feel as I do this my sins have been put up on a shelf and I have gained a remission of my sins.

7-1-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 30, Day 6

7-1-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 30, Day 6

Mosiah 11:23

“And it shall come to pass that except this people repent and turn unto the Lord their God, they shall be brought into bondage; and none shall deliver them, except it be the Lord the Almighty God.”

                Day 6:

“When we are under the influence of any addiction, one way to describe our situation is to say that we are in bondage.  Is our addiction really the primary sin we need to repent of, or is it just a symptom?  According to Abinadi, what is the true root of sin?”

Wow, that is a really great point.  What is the root cause of my sin and bondage of anger?   

v. 1-2 says that Noah did not walk in the ways of his father, but sought to walk after the desires of his own heart.  Being a natural man, and not resisting that, he turned to carnal pleasures and worshiped the gods of this world:  Pleasure, Power, and Property.  That was the whole object of his desires, and all his time and money were used in pursuing them.  He placed his heart upon riches (v.14) and did not keep the first commandment to love the Lord thy God above all else.  His god was the man in the mirror.  This caused him to commit other sins which led him further into addiction and bondage of alcoholism and delighting in the shedding of blood, and boasting in his own strength.  Not only himself, but causing all his people should commit the same sins by his poor example and his flattering words.  Thus in bondage their eyes were blind, and they hardened their hearts (v.29).

So what is the root cause of my sin?  Surely pride is the root of all evil.  Thinking that I can do it on my own, or setting my desires above the will of God.  Pride is too all encompassing though.  What specific aspects of pride am I guilty of?  I was thinking yesterday about my false “need to control”.  I think this desire is a sin, and the root of my anger.  When I suggest, no tell, my husband what to do and he does not do it, I get angry.  This is the same desire that caused Lucifer to fall from heaven and seek his own will above the Father.  He wanted to control others and do things his own way so he could get the power and glory.  I have slowly been learning to stop telling him what to do.  The words “invite and allow” have been a repeated paramount lesson.

I realized yesterday during one of Teren’s temper tantrums that it is not my job to stop her from crying.  Sometimes I feel as the Mom that it is, or was.  I felt it was my job to comfort all the crying, but that is not completely my choice.  I can offer comfort, but it is her choice to cry.  I was also raised with the feeling that it’s not ok to cry or show bad feelings, so they have been bottled up inside me.  I see this in my distain for her temper tantrums.  I don’t like her exhibiting her frustration.  The truth I keep trying to remind myself of is the lesson I learned in Joy School from the unit on sharing feelings:  That it is ok to have all kinds of feelings because it means that we are working correctly.  When we feel angry inside, we have to find a safe way to get it all out- like a hot tea kettle.  If it did not get the steam out, it would explode.  They teach to hit pillows etc.  I’m not sure this has totally sunk into my acceptable way of behaving.  I need to find a way to allow.  What is my part? And what is theirs?

6-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 30, Day 5

I’ve been pondering on God’s patience and long-suffering for me.  I realized last night during my prayers that his continual forgiveness is evidence of that.  Every time I ask for forgiveness, He willingly gives it.  If my children were to continually ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over I would probably tell them they were not really being sincere.  But God sees me as a growing child, hopefully one who is learning.  He sees the little steps of progress that I make and how much I am trying.  God looks on the heart to see all that is unseen. 

Day 5:   “Salvation means to save or preserve something precious.  Christ’s atonement is His testimony to us of how precious we are to Him and to the Father.  Keep track today of some of the little ways, the positive coincidences, the tiny blessings that demonstrate your preciousness.  As the end of the day, record a few in your journal.  If you do not honestly feel precious before Him, speak to him, in writing, of your honest feelings.”

salvation, n. [L. salvo, to save.]

1. The act of saving; preservation from destruction, danger or great calamity.

2. Appropriately in theology, the redemption of man from the bondage of sin and liability to eternal death, and the conferring on him everlasting happiness. This is the great salvation.

Godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation. 2Cor. 7.

3. Deliverance from enemies; victory. Ex. 14.

4. Remission of sins, or saving graces. Luke 19.

5. The author of man's salvation. Ps. 27.

6. A term of praise or benediction. Rev. 19.

precious, a. [L. pretiosus, from pretium, price. See Praise.]

1. Of great price; costly; as a precious stone.

2. Of great value or worth; very valuable.

She is more precious than rubies. Prov.3.

3. Highly valued; much esteemed.

The word of the Lord was precious in those days; there was no open vision. 1 Sam.3.

Elder Maxwell: “Jesus, the Perfect Mentor”

The current Brethren have a saying, “How many tellings does it take?” It is a saying that is used in a kindly way, sometimes wistfully. Most of us shouldn’t be surprised if some of life’s hardest lessons require repetition. We recognize that we have taken the course before, and here we go again! It is a function of the long-suffering and the mercy of the Lord—until we get it right.

Life is about patience and long-suffering so the Lord can lead us to become the potential us; the potential me; who he sees and has always seen that I will become.  He is the sculptor chipping away all that is not me.  (Michael Angelo) 

I listened to Hilary Weeks  “Come take your place”

God spoke to me these words, “Who else can do your mission?  Not the ones without my light, they cannot give what they do not have.  Not the proud, they rely on their own strength.  Only the meek and humble.  Your mission is your mission and NO ONE ELSE can take your place.  You are precious to me.”

Listened to Hilary Weeks “It Would Never be Enough”

I felt a deep unspeakable concrete love; a precious determination to follow and love the Savior.  I gripped in my heart my feelings of love for Him and cherished the feeling of gratitude I have for all that He has done for me.  Then He said, “You are that precious to me, and more.”

6-29-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.30, Day 4

Mosiah 4:6

“If ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life…”

I feel the author is spot on with the physiological processes that builds testimony.  There does seem to be an order to which certain things must build on one another.  I love how she has captured the process she went through with experience of her own journey, and not working off of someone else’s theory. 

I feel this scripture goes along with the beliefs associated with the first one.

Mosiah 4::9

“Believe in God, believe that he is, and that he created all things in both heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doeth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”

I remember a few months ago in my morning studies I read this verse.  I can’t really explain what happened but somehow in the process of life, God opened my heart and let me to know this verse.  I remember sitting there crying feeling the Spirit swirl in and through my heart causing me to believe what I wanted to believe.  Now I know He does have all wisdom and power and that I know nothing.

I have struggled for answers enough in my life to know that I have no power of my own to devise solutions.  It is a strange balance:  it’s not totally me, and it’s not all Him, but as I ask God, he provides.  I have come to know of His matchless power, or His power to heal me and take away my past sins.  There was once when I was young that I prayed for forgiveness from an addiction I was struggling with.  It does not seem to be logical or just that a child could be too young to not know what addiction was or how to get out of it, and still be stuck in it- but that’s how it was.  One day I was pleading with the Lord to forgive me.  I remember the feelings of guilt that were swept away, and I felt as Enos and asked, “Lord, how is it done?”  It was completely amazing.

The problem I now have is feeling that forgiveness now for my current sins.  I have prayed for  forgiveness; I have been working on repenting.  Maybe there is more I must do to reverse the cycle.  And if my guilt were swept away, I would not feel the motivation to do it.  I think I hurt most with ruptured relationships, or when I ask someone to forgive me, and they won’t.  How do I get past that?  Maybe it lies in accepting things I cannot control. 

I have learned that every human heart has four basic needs: to learn, to love, to live, and to leave a legacy as described by Steven Covey.  It has also been described by President Monson as “we all need to have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.  Every human heart has a need to belong; to be accepted and loved and to love others in return.  Each of these needs was planted in us to drive us to seek to “Love God above all else, and love our neighbor as ourselves.”  These needs in me drive me to create unity among all of God’s children. 

The problem comes when we try to stick a cheep substitute into the hole of our need.  It causes numbness and blindness.  When that hole is filled with something else, anything else, we no longer feel the drive to find something to put in it, but we do feel a deep lonely aching that something is missing.

“Has this happened to you?  Describe how this belief (or lack of it) impacts your life and influences your compulsive / addictive behaviors.”

This is where I don’t feel my anger problem is an addiction, but it is a prison regardless.  I don’t do it because it gives me euphoria or a temporary fix to forget my pain.  I do it because I don’t understand the truth of the principle of agency and stewardship.  I don’t so much want to have control or dominion over my children as I want them to obey me…  Ok maybe it is control.  When I want them to ‘do it because I said so’ I am in the wrong. 

I recognize God’s patience with me, and His long-suffering.  I want to learn to extend that same patience to my children.  I suppose I need remember the mud on my shoes and to love them through theirs. 

6-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 29, Day 3

 

2 N 33:6           

I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell.

Oh yes, I am very acquainted with that pit of personal hell.  It is my worse nightmare; it is as I wrote once in a paper called “Me Not Living my Mission”.  Personal stagnation is what I most fear.  I don’t know if I wrote about it earlier in this journal, but as I was beginning this 12 step process, I read a talk by President Uchtdorf (April 2010) where he said,

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord. (Uchtdorf April 2010)

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”³

When I read this scripture about the horrible pit, I just cried and cried because that day I was in it, stuck being in hell.  I grasped on to this promise with both hands and all my heart.  It goes through my mind many times a day: that He will bring me out of this horrible pit and set my feet upon solid rock.  And even though some days I may feel to sing the song of self-pity, he will put a new song in my mouth and I will rejoice to sing praises to my Precious Redeemer. 

6-27-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p. 29, day 2

2 N 4:17-19  “Nevertheless and not withstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.  And when I desire to rejoice my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.”

p. 29  From book:  “Nephi, a prophet of God, humbly admits to God that he is harassed by temptation and sin.  Why do you think God wanted him to record this and then allowed it to be preserved and handed down to us?  Who is it that has strengthened Nephi? Who has he learned to trust?  What do you think it is that he trusts the Lord can do for him?  Can you trust that the Lord has enough mercy and power to redeem even you?  Why?”

Nephi was a great Prophet.  He demonstrated great faith and testimony in getting the plates.  He was a leader because he was willing to stand alone doing the right thing; he had to be the first to do it alone, but the Lord was with Him.  When he introspectively sat down to evaluate the kind of person he was, he didn’t look at all the good things he had done.  He saw his sins unavoidably before his view.  Maybe I am not so much different than Nephi, if I dare say so: My self view is consistent with his.  I have felt these words many times, excepting the last sentence.  I do sorrow because of my flesh and sins that keep me away from being near unto my Savoir. 

I know Nephi trusts that the Lord will prepare the way for him to do what the Spirit has commanded him to do.  That faith brought Laben out into the streets drunk, and Nephi preserved a nation though he slaying a wicked man.  I too have felt the promise of the Lord telling me He will prepare the way before me.  It says so in my Patriarticle blessing.  I had that same witness again as I was walking up Newport beach pier after having gained a witness of my Mission.  I remember that feeling of Angels lifting me up and the wind being at my back.  I know that God will support me make me able, to do what He wants me to do.  But even though I know this, I still have to constantly remind myself  of this (Corbridge) “because He is able, He can make us able too.”

I know I am weak.  I know I am nothing as to my own strength as to my own ability to do great things.  I know I can not do them of my own power.  It is that feeling of weakness that motivates me to reach out and rely on God’s strength and power to lift me up.  

But yet still, I want to know how I can rely on Him and trust Him more.

I just listened to Corbridge again.  http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-way?lang=eng&query=corbridge    I recognize that am an unclean vessel, but it is because of the Atonement that the Holy Ghost can be with me to bear me up and make me able.   I love Corbridge’s words: “HE IS THE WAY! THE ONLY WAY.  May we have the good sense to follow Him.”  I can trust His power in my weakness.  I know He has that power to snatch me, regardless of the depth of my pit.  I will trust Him more today.