My 12 Step Journal

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 75 - 78

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 75

Thoughts from p.75

I think before I was being honest, but at the same time not having forgiven myself. The result was a feeling of guilt as I confessed my sins, thus communicating the feeling of my prison. Now that I have forgiven myself and placed my ‘inventory’ on the alter, when I am open and honest now there is a feeling of liberation communicated because of forgiveness: thus hopefully giving them the desire and hope of liberation too.

Epiphany while exercising today:

p. 78 JS quote “I told them I was a man and they must not expect me to be perfect, … but if they would bear with my infirmities and the infirmities of my brethren, I would likewise bear with their infirmities… I don’t want you to think I am very righteous, for I am not very righteous.” (think of how this would effect the people’s attitudes if this were the attitude of political figures who are good and moral.)

Do I want others to see me as righteous? I think in the past for sure, especially with my family, I wanted them to accept me and see the good in me- that I was righteous. I think the result of that was that they perceived me as self-righteous. The desire for others to see me as righteous is a bad seed. Yesterday when I confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness of our ward, I wanted them to see me as ‘one in the struggle’ (Eyre’s) a ‘struggling mortal’ (this book) just like them. I think that portrays a more honest and real feeling of equality. The result was that they saw that I was striving and I had a desire for charity, which is worthy of note. The scripture comes to mind: “He that exalted himself shall be abased, and he that abaseth himself shall be exalted.”

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 74

I had not considered that trying to ‘appear to be perfect’ would put one in an emotional prison. We were talking about prisons yesterday in our lesson on charity, and how Christ said that we are to visit those in prison. I am struggling to figure out this principle because of my daughter who often hurls herself there in her temper tantrums. My husband says that we should not ‘wallow’ with someone in their prison who does not want to move on. Perhaps he lacks the compassion or patience to love them in these unlovable moments. When I was in prison and felt this way I wished that someone would have been there to show me the way out. But really I had to be left alone so that I could turn to the Lord, knowing that I had no other options, and let Him help me figure it out. I think this is part of the necessity. We have to pay our ‘utmost farthing’ to get out of prison, and He is the only one that can get us out.

I used to feel my Husband was cruel in the first years of our marriage. My victim mentality blamed him and I felt abandoned. But the very fact that he let me alone was exactly what I needed so I could figure it out with the Lord, and thereby win my personal victory and gain the Savior’s power and love.

I have notice lately, even people like Elder Cook, who by confessing their humility and weakness doesn’t make me love them any less. The fear that I will subject myself to public disapproval by public confession in a myth. When Elder Cook was here for Stake Conference last month He said that he feels so inadequate to fulfill his calling. He shared his struggles and helped us feel like he is a ‘struggling mortal’ just like the rest of us. He is an Apostle of the Lord, and we felt as He ‘witnessed’ of the Savoir that he really has seen Him face to face. His confessing his ‘small-ness’ before us did not decrease our opinion of him, but in reality helped us to elevate our own status up to his level. We did get a feeling of equality, but it was not because we were wallowing in the mud. It was elevated and beautiful.

9-5-11 Public confession

9-5-11

Yesterday was fast Sunday. I wasn’t planning on it, but I got up to bear my testimony. The Spirit had been whispering things in the back of my mind that I had not fully recognized until I was taking the Sacrament. I wrote down a couple thoughts. I didn’t know how I was going to say what He wanted me to, but I went anyway. I did it. I said what the Spirit had whispered to me. One of the things was the thoughts from the “Love Sandwich” from the book Unconditional Love. I forgave, and asked for forgiveness to those in the congregation. I looked right at someone I felt I have offended when I asked. He was looking down and didn’t see me but I feel liberated anyway. I now know that my sins are truly in the past and I have done everything I could possibly do. If there is any offense of the past it is no longer my burden or responsibility.

I think my openness and honesty makes some people uncomfortable. I think in the past I used to be inappropriately open and divulged too much. I think I have learned that balance now, but I still get the feeling they are squiring in their seats a little. One Sister told me the other day that she is a very private person and doesn’t like to disclose things about herself. That surprised me SO much because she is SO cheerful and service oriented. She courageously reaches out with open arms and loves others and expresses her joy uninhibitedly, yet still I see now that she is still reserved about herself- and that’s ok. That’s her personal preference and where she is right now. I just had not thought that the two were possible in the same person, but they are. I hope that as we grow closer to Zion that we will each come to feel safe enough to share our feelings: about truth, about gratitude, and about ourselves. As someone said in church yesterday: your heart has to be broken so the Lord can fill it. It’s all part of the process. Another amazing thing that was said was that because of the Savoir and the atonement; that He is perfect, that it releases each of us from the needed of having to be (and I would say appear) perfect.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 7:

I don’t think other people at church know this scripture. =) I share my challenges all the time and they say I am too hard on myself. I think they are uncomfortable with me being so open, but maybe because that’s because in the past a feeling of guilt has been associated with this confession. Maybe now since I have let go of the guilt, they will be able to feel that I have forgiven myself and then they too can gain the power to be open and honest. This would be my ideal society: If all people were sincerely open and honest emotionally. I truly think that it would disarm and destroy the Inner Ring game, at least in these ‘circles’ where it was practiced. I really think it would strengthen us as the people of God, and allow us to ‘lift one another’s burdens’. The question is, What can I do to create this environment?

I want to explore this more later, but my kids need me now…. More later.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 6

I think it was about January or so that I got up in church and made a public apology of my judgmentalness and other mistakes. I think I got the courage to do this because other guy before me was so open and honest. It was so beautiful. Some people were uncomfortable with the openness of the meeting and said it was a ‘sad’ meeting. Because of that day, I have felt forgiveness from others from my mistakes and gained the power to change them. Last night in that book, “Unconditional Love” he said that guilt is the most powerful destructive feeling. Admitting my mistakes to others helps me to let go of the pressure of trying to be perfect, and gives me the power to forgive myself. In this there is no more guilt; it is truly ‘swept away’ as Enos said.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 5

“Are you ready to take responsibility for my past choices? Why or why not?”

In working through this process, I felt the Lord promise me that He would hold my hand to help me have courage to see all my darkness. With His promise I had the courage to ‘open up the closet’ to do the inventory. Now that I have given Him that burden and feel like I have truly changed from the inside out, I feel these things are really in the past. They are not part of me anymore. Yes, absolutely I would be willing to take responsibility for them. I don’t want others to hurt because of my past actions. That is the opposite of truly being a Christian and everything that the Sermon on the Mount teaches. By this very repentance process we reverse the downward spiral and change the flow from destructive to constructive.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 4

“Is my desire to know the Lord becoming stronger than my fear of being honest?”

Absolutely. I am willing to pay what ever price is necessary, cut and carve myself (talk by Oaks on desire) so that I can know the Lord. It is my deepest desire, and some of my desires run pretty deep