As Melvin Fish said in a book called “Unconditional
Love”: “The past has no value except for what we can learn from it.” If we did something in the past that we
regret, all we can do is to change our course for the future by learning from
the past. Beating ourselves up about the
past has no value. Guilt has no value for
good except to motivate us to change our present course. I think in my past my guilt and regret kept
me in my pit. It was over-board because
I wasn’t trusting in the Savoir to be able to reach all the way down in my pit
to save me. Since the past ‘inventory of
sins’ I have no more of this guilt or regret.
It truly has been swept away.
Jesus Christ’s atonement has truly removed the stains of my past that
they bring me no more pain. I have a
deep commitment in the present moment to ‘keep my sword bright’ and never fall
away from Him again, but sin will come because I am not perfect. All I can do is learn from the past and look
to God that I might live.
9-18-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, Day 6
9-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, day 5
9-13-11
“He
did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, day 5
There is this evil little voice in the back of my
head constantly trying to get me to seek glory for myself; to build myself up;
or to try to sound profound. It tries to
get me to think in a way in my learning mentality that will “change them
instead of me”. I suppose it is trying
to get me to not live my mission which is to “Change me, not them.” There is no real influence in
arrogance. I’m sorry if this comes
out sometimes. I also am constantly
fighting the temptation to think of myself as better, more advanced, or
superior in any way to any of my heavenly brothers and sisters here on the
earth. I easily see my own desire of who
I want to become and my reality in my heart is that person I see in my
mind. Then I have a double-standard to
see others for who they are today. I see
their weaknesses or actions that are not becoming of who they truly are and I
see them for who they are today. This is
not what I want. I want to truly be Don
Quixote. I want to see others as I see
myself: for the potential of their eternal selves. I am fighting against it,
but I have not yet overcome it. This
seems to be one of my weapons of rebellion.
I pray for humility but it is slow to release me. I will continue to seek and wait for
deliverance.
I would rejoice if I could stop fighting against
God; that if my every thought and every action were to glorify Him, and not
myself. I would that I could see all the
ways I fight against Him, but I am blind.
He shows me only what I can change in today. I want my life to be as the Savior’s was: to
do the Father’s will not His own.
I know in seeking the Father’s will, it is truly
what is best for us personally and completely.
Not only us individually on the micro-scale of our lives, but also on
the macro-scale of how everyone’s lives weave together. I know that living His will for us is truly
what will help us to be happy. Yes, I
desire to lay down ALL my weapons of rebellion.
Someday I hope God will grant me victory.
9-9-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.82, Day 4
“Why do you think God
can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are softened?”
I have a story that can illustrate the answer to this
question. I was at the library one day because
my computer was down and I needed to type something. I was at a stage in my learning path where
God was helping me to desire to understand others and see into their
hearts. He taught me this lesson to help
me understand why it is such a hard gate to get through. I was pounding away at my computer when
someone else I didn’t know came to sit at the computer beside me. As my fingers were flying over the keyboard when
I noticed he was kinda a hunt-and-peck typer.
At first I was feeling “pretty cool” (prideful) that I could type so
much better than him. (I have since repented of this pride.) Then thoughts like these went through my mind
of “I wonder how much typing experience he has had? Maybe he hadn’t ever had a typing class, or
had that much time at the computer. His
‘tool box’ of experiences has given each of us just the skills we have right
now. Why do I feel like that makes me
better than him? Maybe he has not had
the same opportunities for learning to type as I have. Maybe that is not part of his mission or what
he is good at. I’m sure there are other
things he is really good at that I am not very good at. With that my pride was swept away and I was
able to focus on own work I had to do.
Sometime later, the sacred nature
of the human heart began to dawn on me. To
me it all made perfect sense in my mind and heart at the time- all flowing
together. The epiphany struck me when
this question entered my thoughts, “What kind of Father would He be (meaning
God) if He were to let ‘just anyone’ into a heart when they were not willing to
truly understand them?” I realized that
to truly understand others at heart, we have to be willing to pay the price to
strip ourselves of pride and seek through the Spirit of truth to understand
them. This was a gift I wanted and I
have been paying that price since that day two years ago.
The way I see that this is the same principle is by
what I call “the Law of More” described in Alma
It is the
same price that must be paid for more love, money or truth. If we desire to gain MORE light and truth
then it is earned on the principle of obedience. As we “do the best we can with what we have”
we qualify for more; if was waste, then less will be given to us. You see, God feels His gifts are very sacred
and precious, just as He feels about the sacred nature of the human heart. He wants us to treasure them so that no
misuse or damage comes to them. He feels
hurt and sad when we trample on that which He holds so precious. So, He gives us a little bit at a time to
test us to see what we are going to do with what we have been given. Do we use our gifts and resources to gratify
self or to serve others? Have we proven
ourselves worthy of more? What will we
do with it? How will it affect us and
others? Will it lead us to greater
pride or more humility? Will it help us
grow closer to Him?
So to answer the question in the book, “Why do I
think God can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are
softened?” After we gain more, we are
accountable for more. We are growing in
stewardship responsibilities.
9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 3
“What weakness do I hold
on to?”
This is so ironic!
I used to be so focused on the problem that I couldn’t see anything
else. Now I seem to be so focused on the
solution that I cannot see my weaknesses.
I really feel like God has given me a gift to have
good desires. I don’t have to work very
hard on that part. I pray for them and
they come as I work hoping they’ll come, and they do. I do have to work on the follow-through and
believing that I can solve problems.
Sometimes I just have to WILL myself to believe. Doubt comes so easy. I have to choose to put out the darkness and
decide I am going to believe.
Oh! I got
one! Growing up planning and problem
solving was really really hard for me. I
muttled through my problems doing the best I could cut lacked the desire or
capacity to go figure out something better.
I used to have good ideas and talk about doing nice things for others,
but when it came right down to it they didn’t get done because I lack follow-through. Well, yesterday I had a victory moment! Last Christmas I told my Mom that I wanted to
redo her bathroom. I had good
intentions, but it’s now September and nothing has been done. Well, I needed to borrow some money and she said I could work it off by doing the
bathroom. I’ve gotten slowly better at
planning and writing down what I need to do.
Recently I am gaining the follow through to actually DO the things I
plan on doing. So I had written in my
planner that yesterday I was going to call Home Depot to see how much renting a
wallpaper steamer is. I know it sounds
stupid and silly that this has been my block, but there is something in the
‘figure it out’ that I had not been able to conquer. I mean, how do you see how to do what you
have never done before? If there is no
one there to show you how, and if you don’t ask for help all you can do is
remain stuck- muddling through as best you can.
That’s what I used to do. But today, I changed and actually researched
the solutions. I did it! And then I got
online to see a ‘how to’ video which helped me see the tools I needed to bring
or buy. I now have a plan and feel
confidence that I can figure it out. I
know I cannot foresee everything. I have
a tendency to over-plan and never act.
So now I’m jumping in with my best foot forward. I know I’m going to make mistakes, and I get
to learn from those. It will be great.
This weakness also applies to the way I approach
meals in our home. I also do not enjoy
creating beauty in our home because I don’t want to stay here. Meal-time has been a mountain that I believed
I could not move for a long time. In
this I am still on survival mode. I
tolerate the existence of food because obviously we have to have it. I just have not learned yet how to enjoy
making it or eating it. This is where I
have to decide to conquer. The pain
grows the longer I procrastinate. I have
done some research and now it has come down to time to act. I have to try making new recipes, which I
really do not enjoy. My husband does and
I have gladly let him cook for 8 years.
But I also feel victim to his choices.
I am trying to get away from eating meat, and want to eat more fruits
and vegetables. He is still in the mode
of past thinking meat and potatoes. It’s
so hard to switch our brains to think differently. So really it’s up to me to change our food
habits. If I see it needs to be done,
then I have to be the one to do it. It
is wrong and puts unnecessary stress on our relationship to expect him to
follow-through with what I am want him to do.
He doesn’t see the need, I do. I
think he will be willing to change if I get into action.
9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 2
2 N 4:31 “O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? … Wilt thou
make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?”
Thoughts I had never considered... The only real remission of our sins- a real change of desire – the removal of the
addiction because we now abhor what we used to crave. It brings to mind another scripture that
‘truly their hearts were changed’. Sometimes
in my rebellious ways, I like doing the wrong thing- like getting that feeling
of swearing like I was cool, or the psychological ‘kickers’ we get when we talk
about other people. There may be a
temporary high in doing the wrong, but surely it cannot last because
‘wickedness never was happiness’. Every
person who has ever taken a mind-altering drug into their bodies knows about
this type of high. Yet even while taking
it they know that they are going to have to come crashing down later. But later doesn’t matter because now we crave
the addiction.
Let me describe the kind of life that the Lord has
given me now that my heart is changed.
By no means do I mean to say that I have no more sins. I know there are, but I also know that I am
changing through grace as fast as I can, and that is all I can do. To some extent, I do feel that my heart has changed
and I have ‘no more desire to do evil’.
I am working on being focused in my time and my energy to live my
mission which is my small part in God’s great plan. I am focused on the solution and making
adjustments toward doing better. I no
longer abhor myself. There is no more
guilt. I can really say for the first
time in my life that I love myself and I love my life. I have never felt like this before. I feel like I am on fire in ‘doing many good
things to build up the kingdom of God
9-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 81, Day 1
It is interesting to note that the bad comes in
only after we turn away from the Lord. I
believe this truly happens in the moment of choice: When my kids are whining (there’s nothing
that drives me nuts quicker) for attention or impatient for food: Do I get
impatient and be annoyed or do I pray for strength beyond my own. The
cycle is set up because we fell into a trap and make the wrong choice therefore
leading us down to captivity. I know
every time I let myself get angry it is because I am not “looking to the Lord
to live” as I ought. Joy is there, but I
have to choose it by looking to Him.
9-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 80
“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 80
Yet knowing “that it is in harmony with the
principles of the Gospel to be self-disclosing to others about our weaknesses”
will not help us feel safe enough to do it.
We first need to be healed by Him, and then He fills our cup. Then we will have security from within that
no man can neither give nor take away.
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