My 12 Step Journal

9-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

In answer to her question, of course it’s right and necessary to ask God to change our hearts. There is no other way we can be truly changed.

Mosiah 5, verse 2:

which has wrought a mighty ^achange in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do ^bevil, but to do good continually.

I am starting to see that it is really not a matter of how good we are, but how much good we DO. If we have been changed, deeply and truly, then we will bring forth fruits; actions just not intent. This to me means living my mission and doing those things that will be hard for me to do, but that He has shown me are possible. Because of this book, and the power of God, I do feel like my heart has “wrought a mighty change and I have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” But the thing that is stopping me from moving forward isn’t my disposition or intent to do them, it’s the negative voices in my head that tell me I’m not doing enough or not good enough. They try to get me down and trying to keep me from breaking free. Yes, I am free from my pit. But now it’s time to truly show I’m free and spread my wings to fly.

The thing that is most curious to me is that Mosiah is teaching us how to live an abundant life: to always rejoice and retain a remission of our sins. This means that these cycles are not required; I do not have to suffer under them as a victim but I can rise above them. Through this power I can always rejoice. There is definitely something more here I need to learn how to do. These are the things he says to always remember in order to achieve this state of mind:

Mosiah 4:11

The Greatness of God
Your own nothingness
His goodness and long-suffering toward me, an unworthy creature
Humble yourselves even to the depths of humility praying daily
Standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come

If we do these things, then the promise is:

12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the ^alove of God, and always ^bretain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the ^cknowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

Alma Ch. 5: 6

Sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers
God’s mercy and long-suffering towards them
That He hath delivered them from hell

I want to get out from under these cycles and move forward to my vision. I don’t know how much of that desire is realistic. Part of me says that it’s a part of life to accept. Another part of me hopes in this scripture that someday this may not always be the case.

9-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

Mosiah 4

The way I pray without sincerity for forgiveness seems to go in cycles. Right now I am seeing it in family prayers with children. It used to be my goal to cry every day during morning scripture study, to try to cultivate a soft and tender heart. I think I have forgotten that. I have been doing a lot better since I read Mel Fish’s book, “Unconditional Love”. That really sunk in.

Am I showing the children how to pray sincerely for forgiveness?

After yesterday morning’s study I was thinking about sincere forgiveness throughout the day. I realized I need to do better at showing the children how to ask for forgiveness more sincerely. Then after I got angry in the morning at one of my girls, I had the perfect opportunity. She was so sweet, and quick to forgive. I was completely sincere and even cried a little as I told her that I was sorry. It was a sweet moment, and asking for her forgiveness disarmed her ornery attitude.

It feels like I am just holding on until I can get to General Conference next week. I need it so badly.

"He did deliver me from bondage" p.93, day 1

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 1

1 N 14:1

1 And it shall come to pass, that if the ^aGentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in ^bpower, in very deed, unto the ^ctaking away of their ^dstumbling blocks—

What strikes me about this is the taking away of stumbling blocks. I feel like I have been working my way through a swamp lately, or trying to move forward in a car with square wheels. Getting my mission in motion is SO hard! I am having to break through many comfort zones. I have hope that once things are in motion the resistance will decrease, but at the same time I know the resistance will always be matched to my strength just as a weight lifter needs to increase his resistance to get stronger.

No answers today, only questions…

As I was working in the kitchen this morning, the word “Arizona” triggered a guilty memory. I used to have a friend who was very good to me. For the 10 years of our friendship she accepted me and loved me when I felt like no one else did. One of the ways she used to show me that she loved me was in giving gifts. She gave me things all the time- birthdays Christmas and sometimes just because. But gift giving is a very difficult thing for me I still have not worked through even to this day. I was not raised with giving gifts (for birthdays or otherwise) because we were so poor. Come to think of it- my best friend growing up also did the same thing. In each case it seems that they gave and gave and gave without reciprocation until they had nothing left to give – then they walked away. They might say it was other reasons. I know it wasn’t really about the gifts per say, but about the reciprocation of love. I was empty and did not know how to give. I was broken and could not give love I had not received or believed was real from God.

I am truly a different person today. I may still have some of the same weaknesses, but at least I am learning to let go of some of my selfishness to be able to reciprocate the love that others give me. I am seeing some results that others feel loved, and it is making all the difference.

So to these two amazing women, somewhere out there, please know that I am sincerely sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you as you loved me. I’m sorry that I lived out of my victim-ness and reactive paradigms. Please forgive me. I love you. The past doesn’t matter except what we can learn from it. I love you.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

Alma 38 Verse 5 strikes me this morning:

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your ^atrust in God even so much ye shall be ^bdelivered out of your trials, and your ^ctroubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Something in my learning path is helping me see right now how to focus on the solution to be able to see that no amount of ‘beating myself up’ about all the things that I lack will do any good. (I define good as those things we do that bring us closer to Christ.) This is the scripture that I need to trust right now.

How do we put our trust in God? The inventory worked so completely that I still have no more guilt of my past. I could be wrong and being prideful, but I feel I have received a remission of my sins.

Last night right before bed as I was praying I got up to write down an idea that came to me. I wrote:

I am curious of the phenomenon regarding the degree to which we love those in the 3 different circles of influence: Spouse, children, and others. You’ve probably heard the saying (or noticed in your own life) that it’s hardest to show love and be patient to those ‘we love the most’, or that we’re closest to. Most of the time, it’s easy to be nice to our neighbors; harder to be nice to our kids; and hardest to be nice to our spouse.

Why is it I seem to feel a greater desire to serve those outside my home than in? Am I being like Naham again and trying to do ‘some great thing’? Is this out of alignment? Where is the balance between being an example of service and serving my kids? There seems to be something I am missing.

If in my life I am striving to be mission focused, how much of that focus should be on doing ‘good being anxiously engaged in a good cause’ in moving forward with my mission verses how much focus needs to be on improving the relationships in my home. I think I need to reassess. I’m not beating myself up, I just think I need to work on home a little more intently, -for no other success will compensate for failure in the home.

I am trapped between the desire to want to SHOW my children how to live their missions and move past my comfort zones, and the need to love them and bring them with me. I don’t feel like I’m explaining this very well. Maybe I shouldn’t explain at all… If you get it you get it.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 92

I like this last idea on p. 92. In my previous studies of the tree of life I came to the same realization that “taste” is acquired over time. I think this has much to do with our willingness to set aside our carnal desires. Then after a while we come to realize that the fruit (the love of God) is the most sweet thing in our lives. But I completely agree that it does take time to be able to recognize this. Truly the world cannot even hold a candle to the brightness of the Son.

9-22-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 88

I was at a seminar last month that told a story, then I read the same story in a book last week called “Unconditional Love”. It was a story that illustrates this point about agency and accepting those things we cannot change (because we chose them in the life before this one).

The story went something like this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a young man who was struggling with bitterness and anger because of his current life conditions. You see, he was trapped inside a deformed little body. He felt it was not who he was, and he felt he was capable of so much but lacked the ability to do them. During his struggle he was praying to understand, then one night he had a dream. In his dream he sat in his wheelchair beside an angel who directed his attention toward two men talking at the far end of his view. The angel said, “You see those two men over there? Go listen carefully to their conversation. The very brightest One is your Heavenly Father. The other one is you.” As he approached the two figures, he began to hear their conversation. He heard the brightest one speak first, “So you think you’re ready to go down?”

“I hope so,” replied the man. “We’ve talked about all the challenges I’ll face and the family I’ll go to. Do you think I’m ready?”

“Well there is one more thing we may need to discuss.”

“What’s that?”

“What is it that you want most to learn in your lifetime?” Asked his Heavenly Father.

“I’m so excited,” answered the man. “I want to learn how to serve and help others. I especially want to learn how to live my mission and make a contribution to the world.”

“Um, hummm.” Nodded his Father.

“Is there anything else you think I need to learn?” questioned the man.

“Well, yes. There is one thing. What is it you want the very most?”

The man looked down and thought carefully for a minute. Then he answered looking into his Heavenly Father’s eyes, “What I really want is to become like you. I thing I want the most to be like you.”

“That is good,” his Father answered. “I am concerned that your pride will get in the way of that.”

“Isn’t there something we can do?” asked the man with a concerned look on his face.

“Yes there is, but it won’t be easy.”
”What? I’ll do anything! What can I do?”

His Father paused for a moment then answered, “If we give you a deformed tiny little body, you will be able to overcome your pride.”

“Wow.” The man said as he sat down with a heavy sigh. “That is hard.” Thinking for a moment he asked, “but it would help me to become like you, right?”

“Yes, it would.”

“And I could still do all those other things to be able to make my contribution?”
”Yes you could.”

“Then I’ll do it.” He said resolutely. “I’ll take the body! I want to become like you Father. I love you!”

His Father proudly pulled his son in for a big bear hug. They held tightly for a long time. Then Heavenly Father answered. “Now I think you’re ready. I am so proud of you. I love you.”

Tears were mingled and their hearts united. The man now felt he was ready too.

As the young deformed man in the little body sat watching, the realization of seeing his very own choice quickly dawned on him. He felt the confirming truth burn in his heart that this really happened, and he really chose his circumstances. He wept freely as all the bitterness bleed out of him. When he was done, there was nothing left but understanding, gratitude, and resolve. Now he knew what he had to do, and he was going to do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so I ended up adding some of my own perspective and mission focus to that. In writing this my own tears streamed down my face. It is truly amazing how the Spirit can help me write. I do know for myself that we each chose our families and our circumstances, knowing the risks that revolved around others choices. I am so grateful for the peace and consolation that comes from trusting this truth.

9-20-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.85

9-20-11

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 85

Paragraph 1

I totally believe this. I have seen it in my children’s behavior and the Spirit testifies to me that it is a future pattern: The way I try to discipline them is the same way they will learn to influence others- their own children, friends or otherwise. It becomes a deep part of their character. I think this (how we influence others) is the most significant “tradition of the fathers” that gets passed down.

“Deeply entrenched in the “creeds” of my own parents about how to relate to and influence others (by using shame, blame, coercion, manipulation, and outright force if necessary), I repeated their “style”.

I think the way I parent is the most significant indicator to show if I know and follow Christ. This is behavior rooted deep in the principles that are believed in the heart. I am now up against the task of how to change this ‘tradition’. I have been praying for guidance. I have been looking for sources to study. I am trying to change my heart, but still I must wait for these principles to sink deep within my soul. I started reading “Christ-like Parenting” but it didn’t go deep enough into the principle behind the behavior. It seemed to be more of a behaviorist changing point of view. I need something deeper if I want it to sink down to the origins of ‘the traditions of my fathers’. I think this is my answer, which is ironic because I was looking for something else when the Spirit told me that this is the one right thing that I need to study right now. Yet another manifestation that when we cast our net in the one place he directs when he directs, then he will fill our boat with fishes to overflowing. (John 21:6) http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/21.6?lang=eng#5

Like her, it is also amazing to me that I lived so much of my life without really applying the gospel to my life.

“Though I read the scriptures, listened to the modern prophets, and knew well the old adage… I still believed in and applied the methods of behaviorism, rather than the truths of Christ’s gospel.”

The only explanation I can think of is that I was spiritually asleep.

Paragraph 2

This gives me a deep desire to change for the benefit of my children and their children. I have been trying to understand and apply for a long time D&C121. I think it is a mystery that has been locked to me. I want to change and understand it now, and I really think I’m ready. I see I need to

Reprove be times with sharpness on a 7:1 ratio of positive affirmation, focusing and praising the good behavior.

I noticed yesterday that I must be completely connected to my vision in order to keep my focus on the positive and not the negative. I became disconnected because I had not done my learning time. Last night after I read the first few gripping chapters of “Portal to Genius” I felt alive again, and had the power to lift my eyes. Most of yesterday was spent focusing on the negative and pointing it out to others. I know this only makes it worse, but I was stuck in the mud and I felt it dragging me down. It felt like I was trying to move forward with square wheels on the car. The resistance was so great. Sluggish doesn’t even begin to describe it. After my morning scripture study, I did my vision board but I didn’t feel it, not really. I did my affirmations, but I still felt stuck. The adversary is trying to drag me down to keep me from living my mission, and I feel God allows it so I can learn to rely on Him in order to have power to break free.

I also see I need to consult the Holy Ghost before reproving with sharpness. I am getting better at this. A couple of days ago when someone in my family had a temper tantrum I tried not to revile again. I tried to speak words of truth afterward, but I should have prayed harder first so that I could have spoken the words of the spirit and not just my own emotions.

p. 87, 1^st paragraph

“Because it means that, just as the prophets have taught, our life is less about what happens to us and more about the way we choose to respond to what happens.”

I LOVE THIS TRUTH!! It is part of my Z model and I know choice determines which way we go in life- either toward the light or into darkness.

As an author, I love her metaphors!

“The answer stands like a solid granite monolith rising from the fog of mortality.”

I am so excited about this chapter. I think it’s what I have been missing. Gotta go for today.