10-3-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.94, Day 6

10-3-11    “He did deliver me from bondage”  p.94, Day 6

D&C 10:4

Do not run ^afaster or labor more than you have ^bstrength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be ^cdiligent unto the end.

I was curious about diligent, so I looked it up.

DILIGENT, a. [L.]

1. Steady in application to business; constant in effort or exertion to accomplish what is undertaken; assiduous; attentive; industrious; not idle or negligent; applied to persons.

It makes me think of a long-distance run where energy in the short term must be conserved and steadily applied so that there is energy left to get through the end.  I guess the Lord wants us to live like the tortoise and not the hare.  I have often been taken to extremism before and have tried diligently to temper this element in my character.  It’s really hard for me to stop studying when time is up.  I often have to remind myself that I can only put one drop of oil in each day.  It seems like I don’t get very far, but over the long run consistent diligence is better than over diligence which will lead to fatigue, burn-out, and over exhaustion. 

I have always been curious about motivations.  In this verse the Lord says why the wicked men altered the Book of Lehi:

we will do this that we may not be ashamed in the end, and that we may get ^aglory of the world.

How sad. They lost an eternal reward that would last forever for one that would be like a lollypop, just because they refused to change.   They lost the favor of God and eternal glory in exchange for the glory of the world, which in the end is really no reward at all.  We are told in the scriptures that in the end will leave us alone and laugh at us.  He is not a true friend and will leave us after he has used us.  It’s really not worth it.

D&C 10:21  And their hearts are ^acorrupt, and ^bfull of wickedness and abominations; and they ^clove ^ddarkness rather than light, because their ^edeeds are evil; therefore they will not ask of me.

I can honestly answer no to her question.  The Spirit has been leading me to learn how to “council with the Lord in all thy doing”…

·         Alma 37:37

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

·         2 Nephi 32:9

9 But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.

·         Alma 37:36

36 Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

I’m not attempting to say that I’m perfect.  I think the opposite is probably quite obvious.  Just trying to liken this unto myself…

As this truth to council with the Lord in all my doings permeates through my whole soul, I have noticed there are many things that I forget to ask Him about.  I guess this is just a line-upon-line thing and it takes time.  I will look today for ways that I can “council” with Him more often, to ask for my specific need. 

10-2-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 94, Day 5

10-2-11    “He did deliver me from bondage”  p. 94, Day 5

Alma 36

I believe God created in my heart a longing to be close to Him and my Savior.  I have known from my childhood the source to which I can look for a remission of my sins.  Though I did not always follow Him, I have always known that my Jesus was there to rescue me when I decided I had had enough of trying to make my way without Him.  I don’t really know why but something in the back of my mind has always been there in my past telling me to search all my other options thoroughly before making a final decision.  When I used to shop for shoes for hours on end I would usually start my day finding the pair I wanted, and then have to search for the rest of the day to find all the ones I didn’t want so that I could know for sure that the ones I found in the beginning were the ones I really wanted.  What is that?  Why did I have to search that way??  Ironically enough when it came to getting married the first time, I didn’t do this and I should have.  I hadn’t gotten my ‘dating quota’ filled and felt pressured into getting married.  I didn’t know any better then and let the circumstances drive my decision.  The good thing is that now I know I am finally with someone that God wants me to be with.  I know my marriage is ordained of God. 

After years of pounding my head against a brick wall, and needlessly torturing myself, I finally decided I had had enough.  The pain of not knowing if God loved me all came to an explosive head one day when I knelt and He knew that I had to know.  There was no other place that I could find the answers my soul longed to find.  I was out of other options.  I had looked for that other source all of my life, even though I knew there was one that would work somewhere behind me.  I really don’t understand why I did that.  It seems very strange to me, but that’s the way my mind worked…  Now I can say without equivocation or the least bit of questions in my mind that I know for sure that now I have finally found the True and Living Water.  I know that Jesus Christ is the only way we can be healed.  I know He is the Only One with the love that goes deep enough to reach all the way down to the deep gall and bitterness that cankered my heart. 

Hilary Weeks:  “NOW”  Truly I was lost, and Now I’m found.

9-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, Day 4

9-30-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, Day 4

I like 3 N 27:7-8 to answer her question.   There is also a scripture that says there is no other name given whereby man can be saved except in and through the name of Christ.  I think for those that believe in Christ, they would not argue this point.  What does seem to be a more revealing question in the world today is “Can we be happy in this life without Him?”  I would be very interested to get others points of view on this, even those who do not do not believe in Christ.

It has been my experience that as humans, we are all made up emotionally of 4 basic needs.  One of these needs is to love, and to love others we must first to learn to love ourselves.  For me, I could not love myself until I knew of God’s love for me.  So for me, I cannot know who I am without my relationship to God.  It’s as if there was created in me a homing beacon.   Or I also see it like a hole that we have a great need to fill.  We search aimlessly in life for the right peg to this hole, until we find the true Living Water and the Bread of Life.  I have heard others express an emptiness that they don’t think will ever be filled.  I have seen those who turn to drugs or alcohol to try to shove a square peg in a round hole, just to do ANYTHING to fill the desperate emptiness they have- the hole in their heart.  Without the answers God has given me, I would probably be doing the same thing today.  I hurt for the pain they suffer.  I long to help them understand that they are more than they think they are, but I know that lack of belief because of Satan’s chains keeps them from believing.  But there must be a way to help them break free.  If they decide to try from the inside out, then there is a way.  I have traveled it and I know it’s possible.  For me there is no other hope than through Him who created my soul, who knows and understands all the parts and pieces that I cannot quite explain.  He created the need in me and He is the only one who can fill it.

9-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

9-26-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

In answer to her question, of course it’s right and necessary to ask God to change our hearts.  There is no other way we can be truly changed. 

Mosiah 5, verse 2:

which has wrought a mighty ^achange in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do ^bevil, but to do good continually.

I am starting to see that it is really not a matter of how good we are, but how much good we DO.  If we have been changed, deeply and truly, then we will bring forth fruits; actions just not intent.  This to me means living my mission and doing those things that will be hard for me to do, but that He has shown me are possible.  Because of this book, and the power of God, I do feel like my heart has “wrought a mighty change and I have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”  But the thing that is stopping me from moving forward isn’t my disposition or intent to do them, it’s the negative voices in my head that tell me I’m not doing enough or not good enough.  They try to get me down and trying to keep me from breaking free.  Yes, I am free from my pit. But now it’s time to truly show I’m free and spread my wings to fly. 

The thing that is most curious to me is that Mosiah is teaching us how to live an abundant life: to always rejoice and retain a remission of our sins.  This means that these cycles are not required; I do not have to suffer under them as a victim but I can rise above them.  Through this power I can always rejoice.  There is definitely something more here I need to learn how to do.  These are the things he says to always remember in order to achieve this state of mind:

Mosiah 4:11

• The Greatness of God
• Your own nothingness
• His goodness and long-suffering toward me, an unworthy creature
• Humble yourselves even to the depths of humility praying daily
• Standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come

If we do these things, then the promise is:

12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the ^alove of God, and always ^bretain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the ^cknowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

Alma Ch. 5: 6

• Sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers
• God’s mercy and long-suffering towards them
• That He hath delivered them from hell

I want to get out from under these cycles and move forward to my vision.  I don’t know how much of that desire is realistic.  Part of me says that it’s a part of life to accept.  Another part of me hopes in this scripture that someday this may not always be the case.

9-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

9-25-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

Mosiah 4

The way I pray without sincerity for forgiveness seems to go in cycles.  Right now I am seeing it in family prayers with children.  It used to be my goal to cry every day during morning scripture study, to try to cultivate a soft and tender heart.  I think I have forgotten that.  I have been doing a lot better since I read Mel Fish’s book, “Unconditional Love”.  That really sunk in. 

Am I showing the children how to pray sincerely for forgiveness? 

After yesterday morning’s study I was thinking about sincere forgiveness throughout the day.  I realized I need to do better at showing the children how to ask for forgiveness more sincerely.  Then after I got angry in the morning at one of my girls, I had the perfect opportunity.  She was so sweet, and quick to forgive.  I was completely sincere and even cried a little as I told her that I was sorry.  It was a sweet moment, and asking for her forgiveness disarmed her ornery attitude. 

It feels like I am just holding on until I can get to General Conference next week.  I need it so badly.

"He did deliver me from bondage" p.93, day 1

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 1

1 N 14:1

1 And it shall come to pass, that if the ^aGentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in ^bpower, in very deed, unto the ^ctaking away of their ^dstumbling blocks—

What strikes me about this is the taking away of stumbling blocks.  I feel like I have been working my way through a swamp lately, or trying to move forward in a car with square wheels.  Getting my mission in motion is SO hard!  I am having to break through many comfort zones.  I have hope that once things are in motion the resistance will decrease, but at the same time I know the resistance will always be matched to my strength just as a weight lifter needs to increase his resistance to get stronger. 

No answers today, only questions…

 

As I was working in the kitchen this morning, the word “Arizona” triggered a guilty memory.   I used to have a friend who was very good to me.  For the 10 years of our friendship she accepted me and loved me when I felt like no one else did.  One of the ways she used to show me that she loved me was in giving gifts.  She gave me things all the time- birthdays Christmas and sometimes just because.  But gift giving is a very difficult thing for me I still have not worked through even to this day.  I was not raised with giving gifts (for birthdays or otherwise) because we were so poor.  Come to think of it- my best friend growing up also did the same thing.  In each case it seems that they gave and gave and gave without reciprocation until they had nothing left to give – then they walked away.  They might say it was other reasons.  I know it wasn’t really about the gifts per say, but about the reciprocation of love.  I was empty and did not know how to give.  I was broken and could not give love I had not received or believed was real from God. 

I am truly a different person today.  I may still have some of the same weaknesses, but at least I am learning to let go of some of my selfishness to be able to reciprocate the love that others give me.  I am seeing some results that others feel loved, and it is making all the difference.

So to these two amazing women, somewhere out there, please know that I am sincerely sorry.  I’m sorry that I didn’t love you as you loved me.  I’m sorry that I lived out of my victim-ness and reactive paradigms.  Please forgive me.  I love you.  The past doesn’t matter except what we can learn from it.  I love you.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

9-24-11                     “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

Alma 38  Verse 5 strikes me this morning:

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your ^atrust in God even so much ye shall be ^bdelivered out of your trials, and your ^ctroubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Something in my learning path is helping me see right now how to focus on the solution to be able to see that no amount of ‘beating myself up’ about all the things that I lack will do any good.  (I define good as those things we do that bring us closer to Christ.)  This is the scripture that I need to trust right now. 

How do we put our trust in God?  The inventory worked so completely that I still have no more guilt of my past.  I could be wrong and being prideful, but I feel I have received a remission of my sins.

Last night right before bed as I was praying I got up to write down an idea that came to me.  I wrote:

I am curious of the phenomenon regarding the degree to which we love those in the 3 different circles of influence: Spouse, children, and others.  You’ve probably heard the saying (or noticed in your own life) that it’s hardest to show love and be patient to those ‘we love the most’, or that we’re closest to.  Most of the time, it’s easy to be nice to our neighbors; harder to be nice to our kids; and hardest to be nice to our spouse.

Why is it I seem to feel a greater desire to serve those outside my home than in?  Am I being like Naham again and trying to do ‘some great thing’?  Is this out of alignment?  Where is the balance between being an example of service and serving my kids?  There seems to be something I am missing. 

If in my life I am striving to be mission focused, how much of that focus should be on doing ‘good being anxiously engaged in a good cause’ in moving forward with my mission verses how much focus needs to be on improving the relationships in my home.  I think I need to reassess.  I’m not beating myself up, I just think I need to work on home a little more intently, -for no other success will compensate for failure in the home. 

I am trapped between the desire to want to SHOW my children how to live their missions and move past my comfort zones, and the need to love them and bring them with me.  I don’t feel like I’m explaining this very well.  Maybe I shouldn’t explain at all…  If you get it you get it.