My 12 Step Journal

11-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.129-

Step 10:

“The mighty change of heart does not bring me to a state of perfection but rather to a state of continual repentance and abhorrence of sin.”

p. 130 I like this sentence:

“The mighty change of heart does not bring us to a state of perfection, but rather convinces us of our own powerlessness to be perfect, and turns us to know and trust Him who is perfect enough for us all. The word repentance means literally to “turn again”.

I think I have been trying all my life- trying so hard to try to ‘be perfect’ because I thought that we have to earn our way or that we have to prove ourselves in self-mastery, or that we have to look that way to the other people at church… I’m not sure exactly what it is. I think sometimes at church I got the feeling that everyone was trying to appear to be perfect and I thought I had to do it too. Maybe it’s a paradigm of the” game of the inner ring” (CS Lewis) that is perpetuated subconsciously, like the ‘rage of the mob’ that takes over causing people to do things they wouldn’t normally do… Hum. I guess that’s a result of environment. Anyway, this sentence is so liberating. I am so thankful I don’t have to try to appear to be perfect anymore, because the gospel is one of repentance and not one of perfection.

11-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 128 Day 7

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/26?lang=eng Mosiah 26:30

30 Yea, and ^aas often as my people ^brepent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.

That is a very merciful promise. It doesn’t say ‘I’ll forgive them if they never do it again’. It does not appear to be a conditional promise. Regardless of previous or even future circumstances, the promise is that as often as we repent we will be forgiven. That makes God pretty approachable, wouldn’t you say?

How has my perception of the degree of His love changed? I think the greatest change in this has been at the realization of what God, my Heavenly Father, wants for me. Some people imagine up unto themselves a God who is cold and apathetic toward us. I used to feel on an unconscious level this kind of numb relationship regarding how God felt about me.

I truly think I gained my original perceptions about God through the eyes of my childhood. I have seen in my life that as parents the way we are to our children is the later perception they gain of God. I know it is a very heavy weight, but I have seen it through experience that has taught me this reality in my life. So when I learned that God actually is not figuratively sitting in the Lazy Boy reading the news paper, but is actually sitting on the sidelines on the edge of His seat, my perception of Him changed. Now I understand what God wants for me in an active anxious way to succeed and He has already paved the pathway for that to be possible.

11-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127, Day 6

I remember once I read that, the lady Prime Minister of England, Margaret Thatcher once said as she took office that she recognized in order to get to a less socialized state in her government and come to a place of peace that she knew she would first have to go through periods of conflict. This thought was the first thing that popped into my mind when I read Colleen’s thoughts here. I had never connected the idea of progress with it before. That is a very empowering feeling. I feel that it is true, that progress does not happen in a perfectly straight line. There is also a book just out that, as far as I can gather, talks about this principle. It’s called the Zigzag principle. Leslie Householder is promoting it. A friend of mine also described this principle once when she said that our path to our mission is like a zigzag. Others looking at us judgmentally may see that we are all over the place and don’t know what we’re really doing, but we know as we follow God the Zigzag gets smaller and smaller, eventually leading us to our desired end. I do see that it is obvious, and attained through a process of persistence and work.

The periods of war and peace in my life that come evidently to mind are within my marriage, and they interestingly enough seem at first thought to correspond to periods of war and peace within myself as evidence of my own feeling of closeness to God. 8 and a half years ago when Josh and I got married we both brought to the marriage the baggage of previous marriages. I think prejudice and pride would be the best way to describe our baggage. I was horribly defiant and he was terribly tyrannical. We would fight and pull against the other until war broke out. I remember once he left me after a fight (at the temple no less) four months after we were just married. We have been through all sorts of desolation: broken doors, computers, phones. It has been an incredible blessing that no one has ever raised a fist in anger to another person. Mom reminded me yesterday of a catsup bottle that once went flying across the kitchen in the most perfect flat centrifugal action. It was like watching a slow motion scene in The Matrix. The funny thing that I can see now is that I was at war with the wrong party. I was at war with him because I didn’t know myself, and because I hadn’t come to truly know my God. The progress this book has brought me in that process is completely priceless and amazing. I am studying Gandhi right now, and he describes it as the process of self-actualization as a means to purify yourself to grow closer to God. I love Gandhi. There are some things he believed that I do not agree with, but some things that I find perfectly synonymous as he describes himself that I feel are also from the depths of my own soul. He never thought so of himself, but I believe it is because of his humility that made him a Great Soul.

11-23-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.127 Day 5

Jarom 1:12

Ashamed for being stirred up to anger- Yes; Repentance, no. It has been a little painful and sometimes I have wondered at the value of drudging up the past, but in hind-sight I can see that as these things get resolved then the past truly gets resolved and then there is nothing left to drudge up. By what means? We are admonished to watch and pray continually. Every day I pray and acknowledge our weakness before God, repenting and asking for strength. Just by desiring to improve, then I repent and get better. Repentance is not about condemnation, it is about improvement, so we can continually grow closer to the Savoir and feel more and more of His light and His love. We also get to take of the Sacrament every week to renew our baptismal covenants. This helps us deeply ponder on ways that we can change (repent) so that we can become more like the Savoir.

Personal application: I was actually talking to my Mom yesterday about the ways my kids have been trying to stir up my anger- to ‘get my goat’. She says they intentionally do things just to get a flare because they get a kick out of it. I said that that’s evil, and she said that’s true. It’s like there’s a ‘monster’ under the covers and they taunt and tease to get her to come out, but she doesn’t want to come out. They will continue to taunt and tease until I eliminate the monster within me. I am getting better and gaining control within. Weather or not it will ever happen again is not the point; but the fact that I am improving is all the Lord expects of me.

11-21-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127 Day 4

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/10?lang=eng

23 Therefore, ^acheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are ^bfree to ^cact for yourselves—to ^dchoose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

I have seen this through my garden and the Law of the Harvest with the Z model. I can see through Natural Law that it is true that we are free to choose our results because we choose our approach. It has also shown me that God gave us a “space” where in to dwell and learn for ourselves by our own experience to know to price the good and shun the evil. This is what I work to do in my home: to create a learning environment and all that means in relation to the paradigms that I have. I realize that if I want my children to learn for themselves (and to be the kind of leaders God has shown me is possible) then I must needs ‘allow’ them to learn within the bounds (or rules) that I set in my home. I think too often our “natural-man parent” wants to just demand and force the situation or ‘do it cause I said so’. If we truly want them to learn for themselves, it requires endless patience to explain and teach the reasons, so they can truly come to understand the Natural Law. If we base the laws in our home on God’s law, then they will eventually come to see the wisdom in it and come to understand how God deals with His children.

One lesson I learned for myself through my own experience was the connection between morality, modesty, and self-identity. When I was a teenager I had a low self-esteem and didn’t know who I was. I lacked acceptance at home and went outside the home looking for it in friends and worse boyfriends. I lowered my standards and got attention from wearing immodest clothes. Looking back, the saddest thing is that I did not let anyone come to see who I really was because I was afraid. I played the part though I was never at peace in my heart. With the clothes I wore, I did not show them who I really was. I felt ugly on the inside and I tried to over-compensate for it by how I looked on the outside. The world can never create a truly confident beautiful woman- only God can do that. God builds us from the inside out to help us know who we really are. He loves us, accepts us, and heals our hearts until we personally know His love so deeply that it really doesn’t matter to any degree the rejection the world gives us. Now that I have learned for myself who I am and that I am beautiful, I can teach my children the truth. When they come to matters of modesty I can tell them about being beautiful on the inside and of God’s love. I know the truth is in my heart, so deep that sometimes I feel like I can’t even explain it. I hope that my children choose to remain pure so that they will know where their true worth lies and know that their powerful beauty shines from deep within because of their purity. There was a saying perpetuated by the world (I remember it from the movie “Liar, Liar”). It was in a scene where the son was talking to the Dad about beauty. The son said (probably not exact quote), “But I thought that true beauty was on the inside.” Then the dad said, “That’s just something that ugly people say to make themselves feel better.” He was lying. Fake beauty is only skin deep and real beauty cannot be bought with money or surgery. Real beauty comes from knowing where your true worth lies, and that’s the truth.

11-17-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127 Day 3

I was thinking of “ease” this morning. I talked to a friend about how the path to captivity is “easy” and the path to freedom is “Work”. I think there are areas of each of our lives that we are stuck in an ‘auto-pilot’ mode where we are not really working to apply our best selves. I have realized recently that I need to work much harder to ‘work’ with the children inspiring them to love to learn. I have realized the weight of my responsibility and the depth of their education that is completely on my shoulders. It would be so much easier to ‘toss the ball’ over to someone else. But God gave them to me. I am the parent, and I am response-able. I know I can never lift the weight of my work alone and I must ask for His power and grace to help me lift it.

Mosiah 4:30

But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not ^awatch yourselves, and your ^bthoughts, and your ^cwords, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and ^dcontinue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

11-16-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127, Day 2

Daily Inventory… Hum, new idea. An enemy that weakens my strength?

I think an enemy that weakens my influence is trying to control others- it is repulsive not influential. I still feel the ‘monster’ inside me who wants to strike out and tell others what to do. It has been a constant game of ‘give and take’ learning “Which part is mine, and Lord which part is yours? I get so confused sometimes. Could you please tell me which part is mine, and which part is yours?” That’s a song I remember from my youth. It has been the adventure of my life to figure it out. (by the way I have recently decided to use the word of adventure where I used to use the word challenge; Before that I used the word problem instead of challenge. I’m growing! Because I know my mind will create the reality of what ever I call it and believe it to be.)

I found this liberating quote today on facebook:

Heather Madder
" I hold only MYSELF accountable for my OWN JOY, PEACE, HAPPINESS, and SUCCESS in my PURPOSE HERE...Everyone else is off the hook. How freeing for both of us!"

I think this is truly what it means to pull the mote out of your own eye. If I hold myself, and only myself, accountable in all these ways, recognizing my own shortcomings, then I think there is really no room for the hypocrisy that would cause me to desire to point out someone else’s dirty windows. But what about the tyrant that wants to go tell them how to wash their own laundry? I know the example that brought me to where I am. What I do not know is the beliefs that accompany the paradigm of control. Oooo! I have an idea- let’s put it to the test with the Z model…

Leads to left Leads to right

CONTROL AGENCY

Pointing out others faults giving others praise and compliments

Telling others what to do affirming belief in them that they CAN do

Well… looks like this still needs some work… Allowing them to learn for themselves

My desire to be in control My desire to see them grow