My 12 Step Journal

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 83, Day 7

I read in a book a couple weeks ago called “Teaching children Charity” that ‘there are no perfect solutions’. I mentioned this in sacrament meeting last time I bore my testimony and then the next person said that Christ is the only perfect solution. I think in the realm of finding solutions there is a short-term solution which is a temporary coping skill, and then there is a long-term solution which is what will change the root cause. This idea is also applicable when healing the body through herbs. Treating the body with herbs is the short-term answer. Changing the food that goes into the body to create a condition where sickness cannot live is the long-term solution. This is the ultimate prevention of sickness. If you have a clean body there is no junk for the body to need to clean it out the garbage. I am not into quick fixes. I understand the Law of the Harvest and I am willing to work and wait. I know real changes that happen from the inside out are slow and permanent. The slow change is solid. A fast change has fast rebounds.

So in this scripture what they did was ‘yield their hearts to God’. I’m guessing that was because of the persecution from their so-called church members they learned to ‘not revile again’. They were learning true meekness: to allow wrongs to happen to them without recourse for justice.

http://www.1828-dictionary.com/d/search/word,meekness

MEE'KNESS, n. Softness of temper; mildness; gentleness; forbearance under injuries and provocations.

1. In an evangelical sense, humility; resignation; submission to the divine will, without murmuring or peevishness; opposed to pride, arrogance and refractoriness. Gal.5.

I beseech you by the meekness of Christ. 1 Cor.10.

Meekness is a grace which Jesus alone inculcated, and which no ancient philosopher seems to have understood or recommended.

Their eventual result was the ‘sanctification and purification of their hearts.’

About a year ago I was going on a trip to St George with my family. While we were driving around in St George I was trying to do a phone conference that I had previously scheduled, much to the dismay of my husband. I thought I could both take care of my family and talk on the phone. It turns out that I was putting my family on the back burner while putting the phone call first. I only woke up to realize my priorities after Josh got so made that he broke the phone. I’m not saying that what he did was right, but I did learn much from it. On the hour drive home I realized I had a choice. The week before I was studying meekness and came across this definition. On the way home I was trying to work through it with the Spirit, and I came to realize that I could keep my pride and loose my marriage or I could loose my pride and keep my marriage. Somehow gradually through a long painful process since then I began to learn to be meek and revile not again. That is the day I decided to stay married and truly began my journey to learn how to be meek as Christ is- to truly become as He is. It is a hard and painful journey, but the results are amazing.

I now feel like I have the marriage I have always wanted. We are not perfect and have anything less than perfect circumstances. I realize that we do have all that we truly need. Through prayer and submission, grace and mercy, I am slowly learning. I have seen that as I change myself, others around me change too. The opposite does not work. Changing others is a way to avoid true change, from the inside out. In the wrong frame of mind, we think the world has to change then we will. If you want to change the world then change your self. This is the journey to Christ. I have seen this is true in my life.

9-18-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, Day 6

As Melvin Fish said in a book called “Unconditional Love”: “The past has no value except for what we can learn from it.” If we did something in the past that we regret, all we can do is to change our course for the future by learning from the past. Beating ourselves up about the past has no value. Guilt has no value for good except to motivate us to change our present course. I think in my past my guilt and regret kept me in my pit. It was over-board because I wasn’t trusting in the Savoir to be able to reach all the way down in my pit to save me. Since the past ‘inventory of sins’ I have no more of this guilt or regret. It truly has been swept away. Jesus Christ’s atonement has truly removed the stains of my past that they bring me no more pain. I have a deep commitment in the present moment to ‘keep my sword bright’ and never fall away from Him again, but sin will come because I am not perfect. All I can do is learn from the past and look to God that I might live.

9-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, day 5

There is this evil little voice in the back of my head constantly trying to get me to seek glory for myself; to build myself up; or to try to sound profound. It tries to get me to think in a way in my learning mentality that will “change them instead of me”. I suppose it is trying to get me to not live my mission which is to “Change me, not them.” There is no real influence in arrogance. I’m sorry if this comes out sometimes. I also am constantly fighting the temptation to think of myself as better, more advanced, or superior in any way to any of my heavenly brothers and sisters here on the earth. I easily see my own desire of who I want to become and my reality in my heart is that person I see in my mind. Then I have a double-standard to see others for who they are today. I see their weaknesses or actions that are not becoming of who they truly are and I see them for who they are today. This is not what I want. I want to truly be Don Quixote. I want to see others as I see myself: for the potential of their eternal selves. I am fighting against it, but I have not yet overcome it. This seems to be one of my weapons of rebellion. I pray for humility but it is slow to release me. I will continue to seek and wait for deliverance.

I would rejoice if I could stop fighting against God; that if my every thought and every action were to glorify Him, and not myself. I would that I could see all the ways I fight against Him, but I am blind. He shows me only what I can change in today. I want my life to be as the Savior’s was: to do the Father’s will not His own.

I know in seeking the Father’s will, it is truly what is best for us personally and completely. Not only us individually on the micro-scale of our lives, but also on the macro-scale of how everyone’s lives weave together. I know that living His will for us is truly what will help us to be happy. Yes, I desire to lay down ALL my weapons of rebellion. Someday I hope God will grant me victory.

9-9-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.82, Day 4

“Why do you think God can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are softened?”

I have a story that can illustrate the answer to this question. I was at the library one day because my computer was down and I needed to type something. I was at a stage in my learning path where God was helping me to desire to understand others and see into their hearts. He taught me this lesson to help me understand why it is such a hard gate to get through. I was pounding away at my computer when someone else I didn’t know came to sit at the computer beside me. As my fingers were flying over the keyboard when I noticed he was kinda a hunt-and-peck typer. At first I was feeling “pretty cool” (prideful) that I could type so much better than him. (I have since repented of this pride.) Then thoughts like these went through my mind of “I wonder how much typing experience he has had? Maybe he hadn’t ever had a typing class, or had that much time at the computer. His ‘tool box’ of experiences has given each of us just the skills we have right now. Why do I feel like that makes me better than him? Maybe he has not had the same opportunities for learning to type as I have. Maybe that is not part of his mission or what he is good at. I’m sure there are other things he is really good at that I am not very good at. With that my pride was swept away and I was able to focus on own work I had to do. Sometime later, the sacred nature of the human heart began to dawn on me. To me it all made perfect sense in my mind and heart at the time- all flowing together. The epiphany struck me when this question entered my thoughts, “What kind of Father would He be (meaning God) if He were to let ‘just anyone’ into a heart when they were not willing to truly understand them?” I realized that to truly understand others at heart, we have to be willing to pay the price to strip ourselves of pride and seek through the Spirit of truth to understand them. This was a gift I wanted and I have been paying that price since that day two years ago.

The way I see that this is the same principle is by what I call “the Law of More” described in Alma 12:9-11. Here’s a link to the full text. It will help immensely to read these two verses to see this. http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/12?lang=eng

It is the same price that must be paid for more love, money or truth. If we desire to gain MORE light and truth then it is earned on the principle of obedience. As we “do the best we can with what we have” we qualify for more; if was waste, then less will be given to us. You see, God feels His gifts are very sacred and precious, just as He feels about the sacred nature of the human heart. He wants us to treasure them so that no misuse or damage comes to them. He feels hurt and sad when we trample on that which He holds so precious. So, He gives us a little bit at a time to test us to see what we are going to do with what we have been given. Do we use our gifts and resources to gratify self or to serve others? Have we proven ourselves worthy of more? What will we do with it? How will it affect us and others? Will it lead us to greater pride or more humility? Will it help us grow closer to Him?

So to answer the question in the book, “Why do I think God can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are softened?” After we gain more, we are accountable for more. We are growing in stewardship responsibilities.

9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 3

“What weakness do I hold on to?”

This is so ironic! I used to be so focused on the problem that I couldn’t see anything else. Now I seem to be so focused on the solution that I cannot see my weaknesses.

I really feel like God has given me a gift to have good desires. I don’t have to work very hard on that part. I pray for them and they come as I work hoping they’ll come, and they do. I do have to work on the follow-through and believing that I can solve problems. Sometimes I just have to WILL myself to believe. Doubt comes so easy. I have to choose to put out the darkness and decide I am going to believe.

Oh! I got one! Growing up planning and problem solving was really really hard for me. I muttled through my problems doing the best I could cut lacked the desire or capacity to go figure out something better. I used to have good ideas and talk about doing nice things for others, but when it came right down to it they didn’t get done because I lack follow-through. Well, yesterday I had a victory moment! Last Christmas I told my Mom that I wanted to redo her bathroom. I had good intentions, but it’s now September and nothing has been done. Well, I needed to borrow some money and she said I could work it off by doing the bathroom. I’ve gotten slowly better at planning and writing down what I need to do. Recently I am gaining the follow through to actually DO the things I plan on doing. So I had written in my planner that yesterday I was going to call Home Depot to see how much renting a wallpaper steamer is. I know it sounds stupid and silly that this has been my block, but there is something in the ‘figure it out’ that I had not been able to conquer. I mean, how do you see how to do what you have never done before? If there is no one there to show you how, and if you don’t ask for help all you can do is remain stuck- muddling through as best you can. That’s what I used to do. But today, I changed and actually researched the solutions. I did it! And then I got online to see a ‘how to’ video which helped me see the tools I needed to bring or buy. I now have a plan and feel confidence that I can figure it out. I know I cannot foresee everything. I have a tendency to over-plan and never act. So now I’m jumping in with my best foot forward. I know I’m going to make mistakes, and I get to learn from those. It will be great.

This weakness also applies to the way I approach meals in our home. I also do not enjoy creating beauty in our home because I don’t want to stay here. Meal-time has been a mountain that I believed I could not move for a long time. In this I am still on survival mode. I tolerate the existence of food because obviously we have to have it. I just have not learned yet how to enjoy making it or eating it. This is where I have to decide to conquer. The pain grows the longer I procrastinate. I have done some research and now it has come down to time to act. I have to try making new recipes, which I really do not enjoy. My husband does and I have gladly let him cook for 8 years. But I also feel victim to his choices. I am trying to get away from eating meat, and want to eat more fruits and vegetables. He is still in the mode of past thinking meat and potatoes. It’s so hard to switch our brains to think differently. So really it’s up to me to change our food habits. If I see it needs to be done, then I have to be the one to do it. It is wrong and puts unnecessary stress on our relationship to expect him to follow-through with what I am want him to do. He doesn’t see the need, I do. I think he will be willing to change if I get into action.

9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 2

2 N 4:31 “O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? … Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?”

Thoughts I had never considered... The only real remission of our sins- a real change of desire – the removal of the addiction because we now abhor what we used to crave. It brings to mind another scripture that ‘truly their hearts were changed’. Sometimes in my rebellious ways, I like doing the wrong thing- like getting that feeling of swearing like I was cool, or the psychological ‘kickers’ we get when we talk about other people. There may be a temporary high in doing the wrong, but surely it cannot last because ‘wickedness never was happiness’. Every person who has ever taken a mind-altering drug into their bodies knows about this type of high. Yet even while taking it they know that they are going to have to come crashing down later. But later doesn’t matter because now we crave the addiction.

Let me describe the kind of life that the Lord has given me now that my heart is changed. By no means do I mean to say that I have no more sins. I know there are, but I also know that I am changing through grace as fast as I can, and that is all I can do. To some extent, I do feel that my heart has changed and I have ‘no more desire to do evil’. I am working on being focused in my time and my energy to live my mission which is my small part in God’s great plan. I am focused on the solution and making adjustments toward doing better. I no longer abhor myself. There is no more guilt. I can really say for the first time in my life that I love myself and I love my life. I have never felt like this before. I feel like I am on fire in ‘doing many good things to build up the kingdom of God’. I still have to put out doubts all the time. The dark dot voices still try to tell me I can’t do it and that my contribution doesn’t mean anything to others, but I am fighting it. I am swimming upstream and I am getting stronger. Like Rapunzal said on the movie ‘Tangled’, “No I will never stop fighting you. Every second for the rest of my life I will never stop trying to get away from you!” In the fight I have victory in the moment; as long as I keep on going I will win.

9-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 81, Day 1

It is interesting to note that the bad comes in only after we turn away from the Lord. I believe this truly happens in the moment of choice: When my kids are whining (there’s nothing that drives me nuts quicker) for attention or impatient for food: Do I get impatient and be annoyed or do I pray for strength beyond my own. The cycle is set up because we fell into a trap and make the wrong choice therefore leading us down to captivity. I know every time I let myself get angry it is because I am not “looking to the Lord to live” as I ought. Joy is there, but I have to choose it by looking to Him.