7-9-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.42

7-9-11

“He did deliver me from bondage” suggested talk “Born of God” by Benson

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“Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world. Men changed for Christ will be captained by Christ. Like Paul they will be asking, “Lord, what wilt thou have me to do?” “

I feel joy in believing this truth. It has been a long journey for me to believe that I can change the world. When I was 12 years old I had a step-father who was abusive to my Mother and verbally abusive to the children in the home. One of the ways as children we learned to cope with life was to make the house look like we had not even been there. I think that became my whole mentality over then next two decades: to just fly under the radar so no one gets hurt. It was survival mode. I am just now learning how to get out of survival-mode, and as I do I am changed by Christ. I am coming to believe that I can change the world. It is a very fulfilling hope that I can be an instrument in the hand of the Lord to fulfill the measure of my creation and bring glory to God. It is a very different place than flying under the radar. I am now willing to stand for truth, even if I stand alone. I am willing to go against the whole of society if society is floating downstream.

I love the story from this talk about President McKay’s dream:

“President David O. McKay tells of a singular event that happened to him. After falling asleep, he said he “beheld in vision something infinitely sublime.” He saw a beautiful city, a great concourse of people dressed in white, and the Savior.

“The city, I understood, was his. It was the City Eternal; and the people following him were to abide there in peace and eternal happiness.

“But who were they?

“As if the Savior read my thoughts, he answered by pointing to a semicircle that then appeared above them, and on which were written in gold the words:

“These Are They Who Have Overcome the World—Who Have Truly Been Born Again!

“When I awoke, it was breaking day.” (Cherished Experiences from the Writings of President David O. McKay, comp. Clare Middlemiss, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1988, p. 102.)

When we awake and are born of God, a new day will break and Zion will be redeemed.”

I once was priviliged to receive a story from the Spirit of “Simple’s Last Journey” where she climbs a mountain and goes into a cave. There she finds a brilliant light, and sees the Savior who takes her Home. She found that she overcame the world, because Christ had overcome it. It ties in beautfully with this dream.

7-8-11 MY Jesus

MY Jesus

7-8-11

I used to always think that self-mastery is a process of submission that as we grow closer to becoming “perfected” that we are like rocks being made smooth in a flowing river. As I was just studying my scriptures I just had an image that it is not us at all that are being made smooth- maybe it’s more like a car body repair man where he takes bondo to fill in the dents. Or like a rock with many cracks and pits that is being covered by smooth soft mud: that as we become whole we gain the capacity through the atonement to serve. This happens not because we are perfect, but because our basic human needs have been met; our cup has been filled; we have become whole through the atonement. We are then made smooth through Christ as He is the mud that covers our sins to fill all our cracks and dents, and we become one with Him.

4th of July 2011- 7-5-11 & "He did deliver me from bondage" p.31-39

7-5-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 31-39

Wow, I just read principle 2, “I Glory in MY Jesus”. This is SO amazing! I marvel how she has captured the journey the heart takes as we come unto Christ. She did it. This is what I have been going through too. Maybe not in the same sequence but certainly with the same feelings in my heart, and she captured it on paper! I have been struggling to find a way to share what I have been through. This is truly incredible to me.

I love what she said about redeeming love, “Even so, I still have a continuous struggle to not break into a rousing and unique version of Handel’s “Messiah” or song of redeeming love. It’s always there, humming in my heart. “

I too cannot say the smallest part which I feel, but I’m so glad she can. She has captured beautifully the journey to Christ.

In fact, it has been just this last few weeks that I feel I have come to know for myself that “in His power I can do all things”, trusting that “He will prepare the way.” I had been relying too much on my own strength. The journey of this life is about learning and growing, only I thought I was becoming “complete” so that I could do it on my own. The further I go, the more I realize life is more about learning to trust God’s power more than it is about gaining our own. Only by releasing all my need to control, I gain the grace to be patient and love my children.

Last night was a good example. Usually when the kids aren’t in bed by “bedtime” I start to turn into a monster and get very snappy and commanding. But last night, all the kids took an afternoon nap so they could stay up to watch the fireworks. That alone was an act of the tender mercy of the Lord- that they all went to sleep without much struggle (four kids 16 mo t- 6 years old). They were happy (not wining) during the fireworks show, and not crying as in years past on the way home. We got home about 10 pm; their usual bedtime is at 7 or 8pm. I was pleasingly surprised when it was 10:15, they were doddeling (being poky-bears) and not brushing their teeth as instructed and still I was gentle and patient. (Which is usually not the case!) That was 100% grace. I felt it. It was Him holding me up. I would guess that maybe it’s because I am learning to rely on His power, and let go of my own.

Hilary Weeks, “It would never be enough”

7-2-11 Thoughts for Joshua

Thoughts for Joshua

Patience is a gift of God. My patience as a Mother is supported by the hand of God from day to day. Every day I pray for grace. Some days that support is removed like this morning so that I can learn to ask for help and invite you into my heart.

This morning you asked what happened. I told you what Teren did. Then you left. I needed you to stay. I needed you to listen. What I am telling you now I need you to remember for next time this happens.

When I get stuck in this pit, I need you. Asking for that help is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. I feel abandoned when you leave me to suffer alone. Yet, having not asked for help, I can understand it.

What you see happening on the outside is a world apart from what is happening to me on the inside. I need you to either be with me to listen, or to take care of the children so I can work it out with the Spirit. When I am forced to try to take care of the children while feeling this pain, my capacity to love them is nil and on the verge of snapping. I survive only and do not really provide them what they need because I do not have the capacity to love them in my pain.

When I got angry this morning it was because of an injustice that was done to me. I did not suffer myself to be meek. Teren flippantly hit me in the eyes with her shirt, then she hit me because I was saying something she didn’t like. I feel the sense of injustice because as her Mother it’s my job to help her learn the truth. I have to help her learn what is acceptable behavior as a disciple of Christ, and what is not. So when she hits me exerting force on me, I feel I have to correct that. So I get angry and feel like I want to hurt her because I do not have control over my own emotions. Thereby showing her a bad example of a disciple of Christ, and that makes me angry at myself. Thus I get thrown in the pit and can’t figure a way out.

What is to be done? I’m sure there are un-truths in my thinking but I cannot see them. All I can do is throw myself at the mercy of the court of Heaven recognizing that in my hypocrisy I am totally undeserving of such help. Yet I know there is no other source that can rescue me from this pit.

There comes a ray of hope that in time it will all turn out alright. Teren’s ill-tempered behavior will self-correct over time if I am meek and show a good example. I have to return good for evil and turn to the Lord in my pain, for no one but the Lord God of

Israel

has the power to deliver me.

7-2-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.30, Day 7

“Capture this scripture for yourself. What does it teach you personally? Freedom from the bondage of addiction is a gift from God. Here Alma thanks God for these great gifts. What are they? Write about them in your own words.”

Alma 24:10

“And I also thank my God, yea, my great God, that he hath granted unto us that we might repent of these things, and also that he hath forgiven us those our many sins and murders which we have committed, and taken away the guilt from our hearts, through the merits of his Son.”

Gifts: That we might repent, forgiveness, and taking away guilt.

v.11 Taken away our stain and our swords have become bright

v.14 the great God has had mercy on us, and made these things known unto us that we might not perish

v.16 they buried their weapons of war deep in the earth, that they may be kept bright as a testimony that we have never used them…

v.18 “it being in their view a testimony to God, and also to men, that they never would use weapons again for the shedding of man’s blood; and thus they did, vouching and covenanting with God, that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands.”

And they never did sin again since the time they were imparted the word of God.”

The gifts we see in v. 10 are the fruit of their harvest. Their guilt was swept away because they did all they could do. The emotional journey it took to go from hardened murderers to ones that were willing to give their lives for their brethren caused the deep commitment that they did never sin again. This happened for some through a long process of repentance and showing their change of heart when they did bury their weapons of war for peace deep in the earth. This happened for others in a matter of moments when they were in the very act of murdering those who had first repented. Then they too prostrated themselves on the ground to kneel beside those they had been slaying. (v.24-25)

These that chose to give rather than defend their lives in my mind reached the pinnacle of Christian discipleship. Christ said to “Love your enemies, do good to them that use you and persecute you”. We see here the results of one who chooses to ‘give rather than to take.’ They reversed the cycle of sin where bad is done and bad is repeated. Here bad was done, repented, then bad done to them and good returned, and good repeated. They reversed the cycle by returning good for evil.

So what does this have to do with me? These gifts: that I might repent, that I can be forgiven, and that my guilt can be swept away: Have I received these gifts? Sometimes I think my guilt has been swept away, and then other times I feel like my whole future life must be spent showing that I will never turn again to my sin as a dog returns to his vomit. Some of the sins of my past still cause me discomfort like ruptured relationships or how I was not a good friend in the past. I think I have apologized to them, but received no forgiveness that I know of from them. If this is all that I can do, then I need to let it go. If there is something more I need to do, then I WILL DO IT and be done with it, so that I will know I have done all I can do and stand still to see the salvation of my God.

Some sins like my anger must be worked through slowly because real change is slow and happens from the inside out. This is also true of my pride. Sometimes I feel like some things I need to repent of will take me the rest of my life to change the cycle, but even now I feel as I do this my sins have been put up on a shelf and I have gained a remission of my sins.

7-1-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 30, Day 6

Mosiah 11:23

“And it shall come to pass that except this people repent and turn unto the Lord their God, they shall be brought into bondage; and none shall deliver them, except it be the Lord the Almighty God.”

Day 6:

“When we are under the influence of any addiction, one way to describe our situation is to say that we are in bondage. Is our addiction really the primary sin we need to repent of, or is it just a symptom? According to Abinadi, what is the true root of sin?”

Wow, that is a really great point. What is the root cause of my sin and bondage of anger?

v. 1-2 says that Noah did not walk in the ways of his father, but sought to walk after the desires of his own heart. Being a natural man, and not resisting that, he turned to carnal pleasures and worshiped the gods of this world: Pleasure, Power, and Property. That was the whole object of his desires, and all his time and money were used in pursuing them. He placed his heart upon riches (v.14) and did not keep the first commandment to love the Lord thy God above all else. His god was the man in the mirror. This caused him to commit other sins which led him further into addiction and bondage of alcoholism and delighting in the shedding of blood, and boasting in his own strength. Not only himself, but causing all his people should commit the same sins by his poor example and his flattering words. Thus in bondage their eyes were blind, and they hardened their hearts (v.29).

So what is the root cause of my sin? Surely pride is the root of all evil. Thinking that I can do it on my own, or setting my desires above the will of God. Pride is too all encompassing though. What specific aspects of pride am I guilty of? I was thinking yesterday about my false “need to control”. I think this desire is a sin, and the root of my anger. When I suggest, no tell, my husband what to do and he does not do it, I get angry. This is the same desire that caused Lucifer to fall from heaven and seek his own will above the Father. He wanted to control others and do things his own way so he could get the power and glory. I have slowly been learning to stop telling him what to do. The words “invite and allow” have been a repeated paramount lesson.

I realized yesterday during one of Teren’s temper tantrums that it is not my job to stop her from crying. Sometimes I feel as the Mom that it is, or was. I felt it was my job to comfort all the crying, but that is not completely my choice. I can offer comfort, but it is her choice to cry. I was also raised with the feeling that it’s not ok to cry or show bad feelings, so they have been bottled up inside me. I see this in my distain for her temper tantrums. I don’t like her exhibiting her frustration. The truth I keep trying to remind myself of is the lesson I learned in Joy School from the unit on sharing feelings: That it is ok to have all kinds of feelings because it means that we are working correctly. When we feel angry inside, we have to find a safe way to get it all out- like a hot tea kettle. If it did not get the steam out, it would explode. They teach to hit pillows etc. I’m not sure this has totally sunk into my acceptable way of behaving. I need to find a way to allow. What is my part? And what is theirs?

6-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage”, p. 30, Day 5

I’ve been pondering on God’s patience and long-suffering for me. I realized last night during my prayers that his continual forgiveness is evidence of that. Every time I ask for forgiveness, He willingly gives it. If my children were to continually ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over I would probably tell them they were not really being sincere. But God sees me as a growing child, hopefully one who is learning. He sees the little steps of progress that I make and how much I am trying. God looks on the heart to see all that is unseen.

Day 5: “Salvation means to save or preserve something precious. Christ’s atonement is His testimony to us of how precious we are to Him and to the Father. Keep track today of some of the little ways, the positive coincidences, the tiny blessings that demonstrate your preciousness. As the end of the day, record a few in your journal. If you do not honestly feel precious before Him, speak to him, in writing, of your honest feelings.”

salvation, n. [L. salvo, to save.]

1. The act of saving; preservation from destruction, danger or great calamity.

2. Appropriately in theology, the redemption of man from the bondage of sin and liability to eternal death, and the conferring on him everlasting happiness. This is the great salvation.

Godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation. 2Cor. 7.

3. Deliverance from enemies; victory. Ex. 14.

4. Remission of sins, or saving graces. Luke 19.

5. The author of man's salvation. Ps. 27.

6. A term of praise or benediction. Rev. 19.

precious, a. [L. pretiosus, from pretium, price. See Praise.]

1. Of great price; costly; as a precious stone.

2. Of great value or worth; very valuable.

She is more precious than rubies. Prov.3.

3. Highly valued; much esteemed.

The word of the Lord was precious in those days; there was no open vision. 1 Sam.3.

Elder Maxwell: “Jesus, the Perfect Mentor”

The current Brethren have a saying, “How many tellings does it take?” It is a saying that is used in a kindly way, sometimes wistfully. Most of us shouldn’t be surprised if some of life’s hardest lessons require repetition. We recognize that we have taken the course before, and here we go again! It is a function of the long-suffering and the mercy of the Lord—until we get it right.

Life is about patience and long-suffering so the Lord can lead us to become the potential us; the potential me; who he sees and has always seen that I will become. He is the sculptor chipping away all that is not me. (Michael Angelo)

I listened to Hilary Weeks “Come take your place”

God spoke to me these words, “Who else can do your mission? Not the ones without my light, they cannot give what they do not have. Not the proud, they rely on their own strength. Only the meek and humble. Your mission is your mission and NO ONE ELSE can take your place. You are precious to me.”

Listened to Hilary Weeks “It Would Never be Enough”

I felt a deep unspeakable concrete love; a precious determination to follow and love the Savior. I gripped in my heart my feelings of love for Him and cherished the feeling of gratitude I have for all that He has done for me. Then He said, “You are that precious to me, and more.”