My 12 Step Journal

12-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 5 continued

I didn’t notice this yesterday about the Book of Mormon, “Encouragement to seek and obtain this “mighty change” is the very plea of the Book of Mormon.” I never realized that. I knew it’s purpose was to testify of Christ and invite all men to come unto Him, but ‘seek and obtain this mighty change?’ How come I’ve missed it all these years? It’s not as if I never read the book before, I have- a few different times. It really just amazes me that I staggered around half asleep in the gospel for so long. Why did I awaken now? It that an internal thing that happens when someone is ready and ‘the baby fully developed’? Or is it really a process of being awakened by God, somewhat of an involuntary thing? I had never equated being born again with being baptized before. I’m not sure that it is essential or prerequisite to receiving a mighty change. King Lamoni had a mighty change when Alma taught him. He hadn’t been baptized yet, but I’m sure was soon thereafter. I’m sure there are many people who are not baptized members of this church who have begun to have a mighty change. I think baptism may be a key, and after we are baptized with one who has been given authority from God then we still have to learn to use the key to open the door. I’m not sure. I still don’t understand in my heart the real separation between the light of Christ that is initially given to every person born into this life and actually receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. I know the missionary explanation about the glove and the hand (is that the one?) but my heart doesn’t “Get” it. I guess I don’t see people outside the church as so different than myself. I believe that if we are both Christians then we are siblings. Any friend of Christ, where ever they may be found, what ever stage of life or learning, is a friend of mine. If we both want the same thing (to seek to know Christ and learn of Him) then we are on the same team, regardless of one’s official status of baptism.

My thoughts about my baptism: I was still so young and unprepared. It is awe inspiring to me to think that 8 years old is the young age that God has ordained for one to be accountable and be baptized. I was in a primary teacher’s training once when the teacher asked something about “Is 8 yrs old enough to be accountable and be baptized?” She asked it in such a way that really made us wonder. There was about a half and half split with people who thought 8 yrs old was old enough to be accountable, to others that did not. The teacher affirmed that if we as parents prepare our children properly then they will be ready to receive the Holy Ghost even at this young age. I just think of all the things I didn’t do or become because I wasn’t prepared. I was born into a generational cycle of acceptable Mormon addictions and the effects of them. Mine is a life time to change all that I can. My children? I have such hopes that they will be able to fly as I never could. I know it is their choice and their responsibility, but I have such great hopes and I am working to be the example I hope for them to follow.

D&C 93 looks like it has a lot of answers to what I was just wondering.

http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/93.31?lang=eng#30

I feel like this was written for me right now in my path. I just search ‘agency’ in the scriptures so that I could figure out how to better understand and avoid anger. I love the part about truth, and seeking learning; And being friends in Christ. I never knew that we had a record of John the Baptist’s record of Jesus’ baptism! I guess it is really appropriate for this day about baptism hum? It is amazing how the Spirit can lead learning. It is a true marvel to me and I love it.

Hilary Weeks “Closer” One more step closer to Him is one step, regardless weather or not that step is baptism. I could be wrong but I just figure all that will be worked out eventually and is not the main point. The point is to grow closer to Him, one day; one step at a time.

Hilary Weeks “Give ye to me”

12-29-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 4

Alma 7:14 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/7?lang=eng

I love this phrase in v. 5: “my joy cometh over them after wading through much affliction and sorrow.”

I think I have finally come to accept the juxtaposition of the opposition of life. I am coming to a place of acceptance not only with opposition but within myself. I am learning to accept and love who I am. Words cannot begin to describe the difference I feel in my heart. It is making a huge difference in my home and role as a Mother. I am so thankful for repentance; that I can change and grow.

I love how Alma perceives through the Spirit the current state of the people’s hearts in this city so that he knows how to speak to their needs.

v.6 says “ye look forward for the remission of your sins, with an everlasting faith, which is to come.” I wonder if it was much different for them in their time in history before Christ was born in the development their faith in the way they had to ‘look forward’; if it was different than us who have to look back in time and believe that He was the Christ. I suppose it all boils down to faith either way.

I love the pattern in v.17 & v.18. Well maybe it’s not so much of a pattern as it is a manifestation of faith. Alma has a righteous desire for his brethren; “desire that ye were not in the state of ^adilemma like your brethren, even so I have found that my desires have been gratified.” It is beautiful to me when righteous desire have been fulfilled because it is the fruit of faith: seeking what do, praying for desire, finding the way through Christ… it is the ultimate joy that comes in seeking and doing the will of the Father. So beautiful !

So now to v.14: being born again. I love the comparison of physical birth to spiritual rebirth. I have been through full-term pregnancy and birth now 4 times. I love this comparison because there is so much truth is natural systems. I have observed through this process many times the similarities between the two. It is also much like that of a seed (also a natural system of growth). A seed is dormant (as in spiritually sleep) until it is awakened to the power of God and life begins to germinate. It remains hidden in darkness under the ground just as a baby is hidden in the womb. It is ironic to me that the moment life springs forth no one but God alone is aware of it. Maybe it is His special moment of bonding with that new life. The seed must grow hidden for a period of time until it gains enough strength and growth to break through the surface. It is also interesting to note that most seeds will not spout unless they are in the dark. When I sprout grains, like wheat, it grows best at nighttime when it’s dark and is most similar to the environment of what it is like under the real soil. I noticed in my own life in the beginning of learning some new truth that there is a timeline where we feel uncertain but hopeful. If we to share with others our new found truth before it is sufficiently strong, it’s vulnerability to be crushed is too great. I remember a period of learning through the Spirit when I thought it was true but I wasn’t sure. I had to continue to learn and apply what I was learning so that I could gain more and experiment enough to be able to see the wisdom of applied truth. After we see the fruit we are sure that it was a good seed, but while it is in those first tentative stages life is so fragile.

I wish being born again was something we talked more about at church. Then again, it seems to be one of those mysteries that remains locked until we see it with our own faith and live it. I just wish I could find more people to share the journey with to be able to identify the truth better… maybe that’s just my lack of faith and trusting God.

So let’s compare spiritual birth and physical birth. The heart or a baby is grown in a period of seclusion, growing in self mastery; going through many labor pains. The hormonal changes and wide mood swings, the changes in the body (getting bigger very slowly one day at a time till you can no longer tie your shoes or reach your feet to put on your pants)- and so it is that I have seen this process spiritually. I have had slow and steady growth, even in the stage of not knowing for certain if I was ‘pregnant’. I have grown in obedience and listened to the Spirit to ‘prove’ myself worthy of the ‘more’ that He had in store. I have felt my mission slowly grow inside of me until now it feels so big that I am going to explode unless I get it out of me and DO something with it. I must become useful to God and prosper His plan or my life is of no worth.

I am noticing as I write today that something is off. I say so only so that I can come back and read this later to try to figure out what it is. It seems I am mentally in more of an analyzing mode and not a discovery mode. I tend to explain too much analytically; where discovering is about the reader learning truths and asking questions to provoke thought.

It seems even though I think I have been through this process that there is still more for me to learn or apply because my tongue (or fingers in the case) are not getting to what I mean to say. It feels like I am relying more on the arm of the flesh and my will than on the Spirit. Perhaps it is a necessary progression in learning the fragile balance interdependence.

I bet Colleen will say it better when I get there.

12-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.A-55

Traditions of Our Parents:

Psalms 27:10 http://lds.org/scriptures/ot/ps/27?lang=eng

I was just thinking as I read verses 1-10 of David’s father. If I remember correctly, didn’t he try to kill David? Saul was jealous of the 10 thousands that David’s army had killed and he had not killed as much so he banished him to the desert for a while and then tried to have him killed? Talk about forsaken by your father. If anyone knows he does! I wonder how much love and nurturing he received as a child; if he felt rejected and unloved. Still being a prince, there must have been someone to tell him of his greatness and prepare him to be King.

Matt 19:29 http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/19?lang=eng

Alma 30:25 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/30?lang=eng

These are the words of Korihor. He is so good at taking what he is doing and twisting it to be his enemy’s sin and not his own. I like v. 27. It reveals exactly his own intentions, not Alma’s. Pointing fingers come full circle.

Hel 16:20 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/hel/16?lang=eng

Again the words of unbelievers in Samuel the Lamenite’s time. I’m not following their line of reasoning in choosing these scriptures…

D&C123:7 http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/123?lang=eng

Pretty good description of the mother harlot who is the whore of all the earth and her effects on the children of men. I think this is deeply connected to Colleen’s idea of codependency and CS Lewis’s Inner Ring. Because codependency is the strongest in families, these evil traditions of trying to play this game are taught without words. It is also quite strong between families, possibly the second strongest, so that families like the Rothchild’s and Vanderbuilts have passed on these traditions for hundreds of years in their thirst for power. (Referring to the Establishment within our government, i.e. the modern day Gaddianton Robbers. See the movie “The End Zone” by Alex Jones)

Moses 6:54 http://lds.org/scriptures/pgp/moses/6?lang=eng

I’m confused. I thought that the sins of the children were answered upon the heads of their parents. I guess I must be thinking of before 8 yrs old. This is talking about Adam and Eve’s transgression (the parent) being upon the heads of the children. Oh! I get it. It’s the other way around. Meaning that we are not ‘living in sin’ because Adam ate of the fruit. This refutes the belief some other churches have where (something to the effect of) we are living in a fallen world and cannot be redeemed. But this says that Christ’s atonement atones for the sins of this original guilt- meaning all generations thereafter do not have to suffer because of his choice.

My Conclusions:
While I like the idea of a group of scriptures on this subject, this is not the scriptures I would have chosen. My beliefs about ‘The traditions of my fathers’ have come from the ones talking about the curse being on the children to the third and fourth generation. I once wrote an article I submitted to the Ensign on the Traditions of our Fathers. It didn’t get printed, but it helped me clarify some of my beliefs on the matter. I have felt it is my choice and challenge to break this generational cycle. I see it in my sisters too. We are each trying to improve and purify upon the traditions we were given so that we can give our children an improved heritage.

I think there is more here I’d like to explore later, possibly gathering my own list. It will probably come up on my Parenting course this year.

12-27-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.A-55

Confusing of Boundaries:

Matt 13:21 I find it pretty ironically funny that because I struggle so much with not understanding boundaries that I totally don’t get what this scripture has to do with this subject…

Gal 6:4-5 This is more helpful. I like the phrase ‘prove his own work’. Last night I read that Thomas Jefferson said something to the effect that is it so easy and quick to give advice to another person, but yet the giver still cannot solve his own problems. I like this phrase of ‘prove his own work’ because in a small way this is what I am trying to do with my experiments on truth: to apply my own advice to see if it works- to prove it and thereby create an asset worthy to share with others. True what works for me may not work for others, but at least I am not (or at least have decreased the frequency of) giving advice to (or attempting to teach) others on things I have not yet applied in my own life. I think my goal this year can be summed up in Gandhi’s words to “Be the change I wish to see in the world.” Not because I think I’m all that, but because I can only change me.

Alma 29:4 This is so applicable! I also like where (somewhere in Mosiah) Jacob says that he will show the reader something if he did not ‘stumble because of his over anxiety over you’. Oh how I wish I could transfer my desires for good to others, but yet I know that God does gives to each person according to that which they sow. We each must attain our own desire by our own work that no other man can give it to us. Still a talk on desire by Elder Oaks taught me that desire, like testimony, first receives its spark from the spark of someone else’s fire. The Holy Ghost has witnessed to me that this is part of my mission- to share my desires with others- come what may. It puts me in a vulnerable place and all I can do is trust in the Lord. Certainly working ‘according to our faith and desires’ within the will of the Lord can do much good in the Kingdom of God and preparing the earth for the Second Coming. I mean, didn’t Alma the Younger or the sons of Mosiah become amazing missionaries to a wicked and furiously blood thirsty people because of their desire and compassion that they couldn’t bear the thought of someone else being in the torment of sin as they had once been? I understand that to desire this outside the will of the Lord is overstepping that boundary, but isn’t it ok within it? For what can come if we do not desire with great intensity and work to obtain it through faith?

Obviously somewhere is my reasoning of understanding the truth I error because I still fail to keep my temper with my children. I believe if I truly understand and live the law of agency I will no longer feel a need to get angry but having ‘done all I can do’ will be able to let go and let others choose, even and especially my children.

Hel 14:30-31 Maybe because my children are all under the age of 8 with me still being accountable before the bar of God for their choices puts me a little over the line, or moved the line. Maybe the line isn’t straight as I had assumed. Maybe as they grow older and become accountable for themselves I will come to better understand how to work within their agency and God’s will and better be able to allow them to ‘choose for themselves’. For now, I am doing my best but feel like I’m failing miserably. Oh well, as long as I keep failing forward then I’ll make progress by and by.

It must be difficult as a parent watching one of your children choose evil and still allowing that choice. It’s probably one of the worst pains there is. At least with the pain of my own ‘victim-ness’ it is something I can do something about. I know the choice is all mine. But with the choice of a child who is accountable … it is not something that you can do anything about but pray and hope and wait. I think it requires more faith to believe that they will come back and the promises of the temple be fulfilled that one day they will be eternally by your side- to hope beyond hope even though the actions we see are totally contrary evidence. It’s like someone explained in our Gospel Doctrine class that when we are in these close up moments of life it’s like we’re looking at one frame of a film strip. The film passes at something like 20 frames per second and we get stuck on one frame. But if you step back and look at the whole film real at the same time you can gain perspective to see that there have been hard times before and there is much more film yet to come. God is good and will deliver us out of the trials of our bondage if we continue in faith. The quote that keeps me holding on is (I think it’s from Featherson) that if we are faithful to our temple covenants then our children will be with us in the eternities. It puts the responsibility and control back on us to change us and helps me let go of the need to get angry at them and just love the good I see in them now- to accept them as they are even though they have mud on their shoes, and love them toward the light. (Here I go giving advice on that which I have not yet applied. Hopefully I can use it when I need to remember perspective in my own life.)

Ether 12:37 I find it ironic that God commands us to ‘pray with all the energy of thy soul’ for the gift of charity. Then we take our prayers to Him like Ether and then He says ‘if they have not charity it mattereth not to thee.’ The answer that comes in my head is, “No it may not matter to me directly, but because of the great love you have been blessed me with to feel this love and compassion for them it pains me to see them in trials. I mean, what good does it do to sit down in the mansions prepared for us if we sit there alone? I suppose that as we pray for others with charity we must still remember that it is God decision to bless whom He will, and leave our prayers as requests on the alter and allow Him to fulfill them as He wilt.

I really do love this format of study: to take questions, concern, or a problem to the scriptures and put together a group of scriptures on the subject then journal about them. It is very helpful is the psychological process of belief and increasing testimony. This is also one of my goals this year- to do this and take my problems to the scriptures. Then I’m going to make a journal book about the journey. I need to focus on learning better in my parenting stewardship, so I’m going to focus on that stewardship. I know parenting holds in life for us the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows, and that we’re never ‘done’ learning to be parents. So I thought for me and others who want to learn with me, that it would be helpful. The coolest part is that I have these tapes from BYU that my Mom got when she was in a child development class. I have listened to a couple of them and they are so founded in deep principle and truth they are truly classics. They’re like auditory gold. I’m going to connect these tapes to the scriptures and test and prove my own theories through scripture. It’s going to be great! I’m so excited!

Hilary Weeks “He loves Me” He loves me right here right now, when I’m weak when I’m strong; when I stand when I fall… Maybe I have trouble doing this for others because I have trouble believing that God really does this for me. This song is working a miracle in me.

12-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” A-34

Discussion on opposition

I skipped over this Appendix earlier when she mentioned it because I was overwhelmed at the time. I have been thinking a lot about opposition lately and the blessing of it, and I feel this is the right time for me to study this.

This is very deep stuff. I can see why it must be learned line upon line. Some things I understand because of the Z continuum. Some of this I still don’t grasp. Suffice it to say the learning continues.

p. A-52-55

Wow this is cool stuff! It is amazing that she has captured this list of co-dependent characteristics. I think I either have or do recognize almost all of them in my life and the lives of others around me. Oh, how I know this program could help others if they would humble themselves enough to learn.

I LOVE this list of scriptures! I am going to study them. P. a-55

Fearing Man More Than God:

Jeremiah 1:8 I just got the context of using the word deliver. “I am with thee to deliver thee” – it contains a promise and a hope. I noticed the study discussion for tomorrow will ‘liken’ this process more, but I see a glimpse of it now.

I think in growing to do these three things more and more is part of the changes that come upon all of us as we learn line upon line to become more like the Savoir. D&C 5:21 the Lord commands Joseph to walk ‘more uprightly’ before Him. If Joseph is commanded at this time to walk ‘more’ uprightly, then it is a growing ability (not capacity because that remains our constant eternal potential). It is not something he could have done before but is now being asked to do so because of his growing ability.

12-23-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 159, Day 3

I once did a report in school on sleep and dreams. I don’t know why but I have always been fascinated with the idea of sleep. It is an amazing miracle to me. Physical sleep can rejuvenate and refresh our bodies, while spiritual sleep can kill us and keep our spirits from progressing. One of the most fascinating parts of sleep to me is the passage of time, our awareness, and how our mind goes into a resting state. One of Newton’s laws of motion is that an object at rest tends to stay at rest; and an object in motion tends to stay in motion: inertia. He also says that there is a law of entropy, where life is constantly breaking down until it is at rest: the law of increasing disorder. I suppose spiritual sleep is the state of spiritual rest like the Garden of Eden, where we can be at rest, but we cannot grow.

It amazes me that I spent SO many hours being submerged in the environment of the Gospel, just going through the motions, before anything permeated my heart. I feel my spiritual awakening only began 4 years ago when I desired to change, and I made commitments to God that I was willing to pay what ever price necessary to become what / who He wants me to be, and to be able to live His will. It takes me back to that quote where Elder Eyring said in a talk called “Hearts Knit as One” that the gospel brings about the same changes in all of us. I think spiritually we are all born into a state of sleep. A child’s innocence is an example of this, as they are spiritually in the Garden of Eden. In ignorance or innocence, we simply do not know what we do not know and God is merciful to forgive what we are not yet accountable for. I suppose an external force of ‘being awakened’ is the only logical conclusion to find as to why this change comes about. In being awakened physically surely anyone in the physical world can do it, sometimes pleasantly, sometimes unpleasantly. To awaken our spirits, it must be done by a spiritual being on the other side of the veil, and most likely the Father of our Spirits at that. I believe God to be the only one who can awaken us out of a deep spiritual sleep.

In my own situation, I think I began to awake about the times of Presidential Elections 2008 because of pain and desire. I wanted so badly to know my Savoir and to learn my mission. That was the seed. How it got planted is God’s mystery. At first I had to come to a knowledge of the awful state of the world. I studied, almost in an addiction state, the problems we face as a nation. I came to know the players involved and the context of the big picture we are all a part of. Since then I have become awakened to my mission and what I can do to be a part of the solution. It is still a growth pattern of challenge, but there is no where else I’d rather be. Stagnated growth is probably my biggest fear, and progress and ‘becoming’ my biggest fulfillment.

12-22-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 2

I like verse 16. As a missionary desiring to share the gospel with those ‘of the world’, it’s hard sometimes to know where to begin or how to go about it. In this verse, the Angel of the Lord tells Alma where to focus his attention, “To remember the captivity of his fathers” giving two examples. I think this is a great place to start for the people of a nation who may have forgotten God. In order to remember the ‘captivity of our fathers’ we must look to history to learn of their plight and how God delivered them. If God is the same yesterday today and forever, then surely He will deliver us too if we obey the same way our Fathers did.

I like v. 22. This helps me know where to focus my efforts in fasting and prayers. The specific what they prayed for was “that he would open the mouth of Alma, that he might speak, and also that his limbs might receive their strength” and the WHY they prayed for was “—that the eyes of the people might be opened to see and know of the goodness and glory of God.”. This is SO much our need today. If the people ‘know the goodness and glory of God’ they will know the character of God and Hi s dealings with the children of men, then they will come to know who they are and remember and do what matters most.

This one just takes the cake:

36 And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer.

This is what I long for : to be an instrument in the hand of God to bring many to a knowledge of the truth and to a knowledge of their Redeemer. I think this would just about solve all the evil and chaos that we live in today. I know it couldn’t happen overnight, but gradually and people come to know their Redeemer they would come to live his doctrine and learn to apply it in their lives.

*Love your enemies

* Do good to those who use you and persecute you that they may BECOME the sons and daughters of God.

*If we all were to Keep the 10 commandments would reduce the need for the court system by at least 90% I bet. That would be interesting to calculate and research.

*Every man would seek to give others ‘that which they were due’ and to live peaceably.

It is our challenge in these times to try to figure out how to get the attention of a people who are addicted to ‘idolatry’ weather is be of those on the silver screen or the face they see in the mirror. “We have all gone astray” and “every man seeketh after that which is his own”. If every man but ‘knew their Redeemer’ we would all find peace and unity under His law- He too would be ‘their Jesus’ and we would rejoice together.

Hilary Weeks “Greater Miracles” Where do we turn when we need healing? Such is where our faith is and will determine our results and the bounty of our harvest.

“Did you know that He can heal the widows broken heart; that his love can change your life; save a world torn apart. Did you know that He holds the earth and sky at His command, but when you feel forgiveness come then you’ll understand: that’s the miracle, the Greatest Miracle. Do you burdens weigh you down? Go to him He will lift them. As your brother as your friend, he has love enough love for all men. Trust in Him, Take His hand. And he will lift you up and make you whole. And if you put your faith in Him, you shall greater miracles than these!”

I know how it feels to wonder how it feels to wonder how I can trust that which I do not see. Another song by Hilary Weeks called “He’ll Speak Peace” describes by feelings too. Right now in my day today I struggle as a Mother to give a ‘soft answer’ and keep peace in my home by merely being peaceful. I understand the struggle it is and the pain. But I also know that at times I must wade into the Red Sea up to my ankles before it will part. This is the trial of my faith. … and perhaps yours too.