12-20-22
and 12-21-11 Step 12, Day 1
I
love the idea that in v.8 Enos was given ‘passage’ to go because his faith had
made him whole, but he wanted to stay so he could pray over the ‘welfare of his
brethren’.
It
fills me with wonder that Enos had so much charity for his enemies, even though
they were too blood thirsty in his generation to receive the gospel, that he
would pray with so much desire and faith as to bind the Lord to preserve the
records for their future posterity.
“How has coming to know the
goodness and mercy of God affected your desire to share these truths with
others?”
I’m
not sure I can pinpoint all the stepping stones along the way. I have to work harder to look at the pieces
of the whole but most the time everything just seems to flow in and out of the
other. For me it has been in the overall
reflection of the person I AM, from the end to the beginning. The best way I know how to communicate it is
with the two images that represent first the person I used to be, and second,
the person I want to become. (My
computer drafting skills are limited, so I’ll describe them.)
The
first image is of a stick man inside a box.
He is closed off, or should I say she?
When I was in the state of being, I was so fearful of what others
thought or of being rejected that I didn’t even share with my husband the
thoughts and feelings of my heart. I
thought mostly about myself, and more often than not I was in a state of self-deception
where my emotions were lies because my thoughts we lies. My world-view was so warped that everything
that came through the filter of my perception got tainted and warped. When I saw others, or interpreted their
actions, it was like the funny mirrors in a fun house. They were a reflection of my reality, but not
of the truth. I think it important here
to note that I believe that reality is of our own making. We create our reality through our thoughts
and beliefs and they come back to us in the form of events and
circumstances. I used to believe that I
was a victim to those circumstances and that I had no choices. That is a
lie. This image is a reflection
of the total state of BE and belongs on the left side of the Z model.
The
second image is of course opposite to that, positioned in my mind on the right
side of the Z model. It is an image of a
person with representational light ray shooting out from him like an aura or
energy field around their body. This
person is service focused: they have worked to become an asset with a great ability
to give. I heard a quote the other day
that our worth lies not in the value that we have, but in our ability to
give. This person is mission focused and
faith driven. They are focused on
creating the reality around them that they want to see. They are compassionate, Christ-centered, and
service oriented. They give without
regard for return. Their ultimate desire
is to glorify God and do His will in their lives. They want to fulfill their stewardships with
honor and strive to do their absolute best.
They are filled with light and truth.
Their perceptions are clear. They
see things through the eyes of truth: to see things as they really are. Their light shines forth to others as a
beacon in the darkness of the world.
So
to answer her question: in the first state, my desire and ability to share with
others the most vulnerable part of myself (my thoughts and feelings) was not possible. I was guarded and afraid. In the second state, I feel like I can give
freely, even if others decide to ridicule or reject me. It doesn’t matter because I rely on God’s
approval more than man’s opinions. I
figure if I write a book and He is the only one that approves, then I have been
successful at writing it- which ironically enough I started to do last
night.
I
have known for some time that there is a book (or two) inside of me and I need
to get it out. Last night I watched a
documentary movie of Anne Lamott and she said that if I don’t get it out of me
then it’s going to make me sick. I don’t
know why, but her words inspired me and took some of the perfectionism out of
me, which had me frozen in paralysis. I
just decided to write badly- instead of trying to write a classic I think
worthy of repeated study. I think there
is a lie inside me that I don’t want to write poor stuff. You know the saying that ‘if it’s worth
doing, then it’s worth doing well’.
Well, my desire to write my Magnus opium (as Charlotte’s Webb
would say) is keeping me from even getting started. So I just have to throw it up, and then I’ll
clean up the mess later. (nice analogy
huh?) I really like what she said last
night. She said that a person’s first
draft usually is really bad, and then it is the work of creativity to chip away,
like Michael Angelo with the “David”, all the extra stuff that is not what you
want it to communicate. I think for me
it is a matter of getting it into alignment until it clearly expresses what I feel
and what I mean to say, so that at least other people can understand my
perspective, even if they still hold to their own.
So
my bad writing career has begun. C'est la vie! Come what may.
