6-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 13, Day 1

2N 9:39: to be carnally minded is death, to be spiritually minded is life.  This scripture also reminds us to remember the prison of pain.  When we sin against the Holy Ghost, we are captured in the bonds of sin.  This feeling of loss of light is spiritual darkness.

carnal a. (1828 online)

1. Pertaining to flesh; fleshly; sensual; opposed to spiritual; as carnal pleasure.

2. Being in the natural state; unregenerate.

The carnal mind is enmity against God. Rom. 8.

3. Pertaining to the ceremonial law; as carnal ordinances. Heb. 9:10.

4. Lecherous; lustful; libidinous; given to sensual indulgence.

Carnal-knowledge, sexual intercourse.

I get this definition in relation to knowledge.  I know that there is knowledge of this world which does not include things of the world to come.  And eternal knowledge that includes both things of this world and things of the world to come.  (Orson F Whitney quote from Flinders book: Teach the Children)

I have learned in my study path that I have to trust that there is one right place that I can cast my net as directed by the Spirit that will give me the perfect thing I need to learn right now.  But if I try to study by the arm of the flesh, I get overwhelmed and feel like there is SO much I have to do right now.  I start to compare myself with everyone else thinking that they know so much more than I do, and that I will never get it all.

I know there is So much I don’t know, and SO much I have yet to learn.  The things I need to learn both spiritual and temporal are part of my learning path.  I am learning from the inside out; the slow way; the way only the Spirit of the Lord can direct.  Change is slow but permanent. And it includes the right thing at the right time with all things considered.  When I trust in that Spirit that leads me to learn, it is perfect and complete, and amazingly beautiful. 

Now, regarding the instruction on page13, “Think of its definition as it applies to our own efforts to solve our problems.  Write about an area in your life in which you are guilty of being “carnally minded” in regard to seeking solutions.”

This is an application of carnal I never would have considered.  Hum, carnal problem solving…  I think it has only been in the last few years that I have learned at all to find solutions.  Before all I could see was problems.  In the past, I did as this author and tried to do it all myself, then ask of God.  But not in a way that I would ‘study it out’.  In the way that I would try to find a solution, or find truth, “somewhere out there”, as the Lehi’s vision Living Scriptures version says.  All my life I have been trying to find happiness, or the way to happiness.  I have been through a myriad of searches -- all fruitless.  I have learned for myself that truth is not ‘somewhere out there’ for I have found the source of truth through the Spirit which the Lord has put within my own heart.

As this applies to my situation today, we often in our home struggle with a contest of will’s.  When we pull against each other it is carnal problem solving with each person trying to get their own way.  Spiritual problem solving on the other hand requires seeking the will of the Lord.  If each of us seek to do it God’s way, we will agree to communicate, compromise and find the best solution.  I know that God wants us to be happy.  I know as we seek the Lord’s will for our problems that He will lead each of us to the BEST solution for ALL of us.  Therein is unity and peace.  The trick is getting each person on the same team to desire to seek the will of the Lord. 

There are times when I get all steamed up and I think I have to have things my way.  I think everything has to be ‘just so’ because of this or that.  I need to find a way to let go of what I think, and trust the Lord.  There is something wrong on the basic foundational level of my thinking.  I think I do not understand the principle of Agency, and how to allow others their own choice.  I think I am trying to dictate my children’s choices and I HATE it when I see them do that to each other.  “You are not the boss” is a common phrase currently in my home. 

6-12-11 Day 2

Day 2                 6-12-11

Today I was lead to read 2 N chapter 4.  I felt through “Nephi’s Prayer”.

I cried in my field,  (v.27-28)

“And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh?  Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil on e have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mind enemy?

“Awake my soul!  No longer droop in sin.  Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.”

I imagined my spirit commanding my body and mind and heart of obey the will of my spirit, subjecting the flesh to the Spirit. 

Introductory Discussion:

p. 3 “What are my qualifications or credentials?  They are stated perfectly in Mosiah

My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and the bonds of iniquity.  I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God.  My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  (Mosiah 27:29)”

She has walked the path I desire to walk.

p.4 “In fact, not only have I not found it wanting, I have found it to be one of the simplest, most straightforward tools for connecting my confused and rebellious heart to the heart, mind and will of the Lord.  In the process of coming down into the “depths of humility” (not just skimming its surface), and “becoming a fool before God” (losing every single ‘trapping’ of the traditional Mormon woman – my marriage and “happy” home), my heart has been purified, freed from idolatry, from reliance on fragile, earthly sources of well-being and validation.  Gradually, in a very human, very imperfect, ebbing and flowing process, I have watched my heart transform.   Though I have not crossed hundreds of miles of earthly wilderness in my personal trek, I have crossed light-years of mental, emotional and spiritual wilderness.  And through the power of Christ, in the course of my scripture-based, Twelve Step-directed recovery, I found a change of heart I can only identify as Zion.”

I like the way she blends logic with the convincing power of the Spirit.  As Lehi did when he talked to his children from his death-bed: (2 N 4:12 “according to the feelings of his heart and the Spirit of the Lord which was in him”

6-11-11 "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage"

I read the introduction and cried as I identified with her story.  Though we have different addictions, we are on the same journey.  I am a struggling mortal, and so is she, trying to survive the effects of the fall, and thereby the flesh.

6-12-11 Getting Committed

12 Step Journal

“He did deliver me from bondage”

WHY I NEED TO DO THE 12 STEP PROGRAM:

1. To overcome my anger addiction
2. To learn to accept and apply the atonement
3. To learn to love myself
4. Because Teren needs me to change and show her the right example of love not fear
5. To further understand how to obey D&C 121; To learn how to inspire not require
6. So I can better obey the command to love my neighbor as myself
7. To bless my children and their children

WHAT WILL I HAVE TO SACRAFICE OR ARRANGE OR OVERCOME TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE?

1. Josh’s support
2. Get a babysitter
3. Prioritize and plan for and around it

I NEVER MADE IT TO THE CLASS THOUGH I DESPRETLY WANTED TO BE THERE.  INSTEAD I AM DOING THE HOME STUDY COURSE WITH THIS BOOK.

Introduction

Welcome to my 12 step Journal. 

I want to share this deep inner part of me with you because I want to become transparent.  I want to let go of all my pretentiousness.  It does make me vulnerable.  In doing this, I let go of being afraid of what you think of me (my selfishness) and allow you to see all of me, for better or worse.  I hope that you come to see into my heart and come to understand me and not judge me.

You will likely observe my self-righteousness and judgmentalness.  I hope that as this journal progresses that these qualities in me diminish, but if not then know they are my weaknesses.  I know they may never completely go away, and I will keep pushing forward to fight against them trusting the grace of the Only One who has power to cover my weakness with His love.  I hope you can make yourself better by learning from my mistakes.

You may be curious as to my intended ‘audience’ in writing a personal journal.  Since I was a little girl and when I first started writing in my journal, I have always felt my heart I was reaching out to help someone out there; not knowing where and not knowing who.  I have always intended to share my journals with others.  I hope it will do more good than harm.  I hope this journal will be of benefit to you in your journey toward happiness in knowing God and knowing yourself.

Even though I hope this journal may be of help to you on your journey, I realize the power lies in you.  I invite you to walk this journey with me.  Find the book and start writing in YOUR  journal.  It is my hope that then we will feel of one heart.  I would love to hear from you.  Please, walk with me.