Wow, I finally finished posting my 12 Step journal.
If you are reading this, It will be helpful for you to know that I read the revised edition of "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. I have compared it to a newer version and it seems to be the same wording, except the "Day 1, Day 2, etc" are marked on the revised edition where as they are not marked on the older edition.
As you will notice this blog is posted in reversed chronological order. If you are reading the book with me, start at the bottom and work your way up to present day.
I hope you will find this helpful on your journey. I am looking forward to hearing your story when you are ready. I love you!
1-8-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.177
1-8-12
“He did deliver me from
bondage” p.177
I
have also been dreading this goodbye. I
like her words that goodbye means God be with you.
p.178 This part about self-help seminars and
self-affirmations is interesting to me.
I have struggled a lot in my mind about this idea as someone who wants
to give seminars. I like how she says
it, “They are good as far as they go, but they do not go far enough.” That is SO true! It seems like all we ever do is talk about
principles and talk about learning, but we are missing the application. I have been searching for my next step and
what I need to do to get the Garden School
Assignments
for the rest of my life:
1- Capture one scripture every day and make it my own. (The LEARN step) This sound awesome. I knew this wasn’t going to be ‘goodbye’. I will keep capturing and working to remember these principles. The biggest thing I think this does for me is that it puts into perspective how I see myself. I have learned recently that I will not live my public mission through being ‘great wonderful and perfect’-looking and being ‘all that’- because my pride cannot handle it and I would succumb to the temptation to lift myself up to self-elevation. For me, I must learn to live my public mission through this first sphere of personal victory- through being a student. I feel like it is part of my mission to use my struggles to help others overcome theirs. I am reminded of Anne Lamott in her documentary Bird by Bird. She is so real; so honest. I want to be like that and let go of all the things I think I have to do because of my perfectionism addiction or because of the game of the Inner Ring. It will be an interesting challenge that will keep me engaged- for the rest of my life
1- Capture one scripture every day and make it my own. (The LEARN step) This sound awesome. I knew this wasn’t going to be ‘goodbye’. I will keep capturing and working to remember these principles. The biggest thing I think this does for me is that it puts into perspective how I see myself. I have learned recently that I will not live my public mission through being ‘great wonderful and perfect’-looking and being ‘all that’- because my pride cannot handle it and I would succumb to the temptation to lift myself up to self-elevation. For me, I must learn to live my public mission through this first sphere of personal victory- through being a student. I feel like it is part of my mission to use my struggles to help others overcome theirs. I am reminded of Anne Lamott in her documentary Bird by Bird. She is so real; so honest. I want to be like that and let go of all the things I think I have to do because of my perfectionism addiction or because of the game of the Inner Ring. It will be an interesting challenge that will keep me engaged- for the rest of my life
2-
Continuous prayer to learn ‘all things what so ever I should do’. I guess this is the Ask step? I have been learning to do this more. The other day when I wrote about taking Jesus
with me throughout the house after I say my prayers in the bedroom, I have been
asking the Spirit how to do this and how to solve my challenges with the
children. I really feel Him help me
learning how to think through them. He
is helping me learn how to apply this new Accountable Kids program that I have
started. In the past I think I have used
the idea of ‘continual prayer’ for a continual plea for help, but I am
realizing more and more that the power lies within me and not only in
Him-- now that I have been changed and ‘God is with me’. I have to ASK so I can learn how to figure
out my challenges so that I can grow enough to overcome them. Every step I get stronger and the amount of
resistance increases to keep me in the learning zone, because too much or too
little will not help me grow, and that’s what my heart longs for. Amazingly enough this process of learning to
apply this is not only helping me learn to apply what the Spirit is teaching
me, but also giving me the tools I need to be able to gain control over myself
and help my family in a loving way, while at the same time learning to let go
of the things or people I cannot control.
It is a miracle to me the way the Lord leads my life to find the tools
like this book and this program to help me learn to apply the gospel in my
life. I know it’s sad to say, but I just
wasn’t getting it from the scriptures.
Now that I have these tools, I can see how the scriptures mean more to
me. I think that is a great sign of
success for any program: if it leads others to find more meaning in the
scriptures.
3-
Covenants- Remember weekly through the Sacrament my baptismal covenant, go to
the temple ‘often’ (weekly if possible) to Seek from the Lord how to build my ship. Hum. I
was just noticed in my head I was thinking of excuses why I couldn’t go
weekly. That’s interesting. I think if I wanted to do this bad enough
that I could figure out a way to make it happen. I have had young nursing babies almost
continuously for the past 8 years that it has been a challenge to get to the
temple monthly. We live 70 miles from a
temple so we usually go as a family for the weekend when my husband has the
time off. I have felt powerless (like a
victim) because I have not taken this by the throat to demand from life what it
is that I want and need. I have a friend
who goes weekly, a couple of friends actually.
I could get rides if I tried. I
have another friend who I think may be willing to baby-sit the kids, but I feel
like ‘weekly’ is a really big commitment, especially at this time… it’s all fluff. I could make this happen. It’s as Patrick Henry said in his ‘Give me Liberty
4-
Personal revelation through journal keeping- this is so true for me. It’s almost like I can’t think or hear what
the Spirit is telling me until I use my fingers to write it down. This journaling is critical for me. I was just telling my husband that I can’t
think without writing. I need it and I
believe it needs me too. I love what she
said, “We all have the ability to write by the Spirit of revelation.” If that’s true then it means this is possible
regardless of religion, or membership status.
I love how this levels the playing field. If we all have the ability to do it, then it
is up to each of us to ‘apply unto thy gift’ so that we can grow it through the
principle of WORK! Love it!
What
need I say more. Her words are perfect
for the occasion:
“Well, I guess that is it for
now. Thanks for blessing my life with
your love of the Lord. I hope the
blessing has been mutual. One more time:
I love you.”
I
have been realizing lately that I have a fear or a block of expressing the love
that I feel for others. I had the
thought last time I taught a lesson in Gospel Doctrine that I needed to share
my love for them, then after the lesson was over I realized I forgot to do it. So in the name of ‘facing up to your problems
what ever they are’ (Dr Suess- “Oh, The Places You’ll Go) I want to share my
love with you.
It’s
so difficult for me to explain this feeling I have inside me, or why I feel
this way. The only thing I can think of
is that it is a pre-mortal longing… that I want to come to know those who I
knew before. Tears are streaming down my
face now as I sit here trying to face up to this challenge of sharing my feelings
and my love for you with you. I love you
as Don Quixote loves Dulcinea: pure and deep with love from a far. I love you without knowing how or why. (Poem from Patch Adams ) I love you more than I have words to express,
and this is just one of those times when words just aren’t enough. It is a collective love for all mankind that
fills my heart with longing for you to know the Savoir. I pray that the Spirit will carry the truth
of this message to your heart to bridge the gap of what I cannot even partially
explain.
When
I was a little girl, I remember gazing out of my bedroom window thinking of all
the people ‘out there’, and for some unexplainable reason I felt a longing to
know them and be close to them. That
desire grew to form a bud four years ago when I prayed to know what I could do
to help be a part of the solution with the challenges we face as a nation. Where some may give permission at this point
to be forgotten, as my mission in life I desire to travel with you. I want to know you. I want to know what burdens you carry and
what you struggle with. I know I cannot
do everything, nor would it be prudent for me to do so. But I do want to do something. I want to help you lift your burdens and help
you find solutions to your struggles. I
know I do not know the answers to all the lessons, but I have learned some of
my own lessons that may be able to help you learn your own. Your challenges are your responsibility, just
as mine belong to me. We have them so
that we can learn to grow from them. What
lessons I have not learned yet you may be able help me learn. I know you have to find your own answers
inside of you. I hope to help you by
showing you the pattern that I have seen in the way that I have learned. I believe I do not see it fully yet because
my own personal experiences offer only the suspicion of a theory, but together
with you and your experiences I believe I can define the pattern and clarify
the path for others to travel on after us.
As for my part I want to be transparent so that you can see the Savoir
through me, and at the same time reflective so that I can shine with His light
and power.
I
want to leave you with one final story that reminds me of my love for you in
your struggles. One day I was watching Spirit
the stallion horse trying to find a message that would inspire others. I had not yet learned the lesson that in
order to inspire others we must first be inspired, and that to change the world
I must first change myself, but that’s entirely beside the point. As I watched the movie a couple times I was
inspired to see that the story of Cimarron the Stallion horse as the story of
the American people going through growth, struggles, bondage, and freedom. The point is that it deepened my love for
you, and ignited my belief in you. In my
study of history I have seen the struggles and slavery of the American people,
and I realize we are headed in that direction again if we do not change
collectively. But even though Spirit the
stallion horse was caught under the oppression of tyranny and even gave up for
a time, he finally found the courage to fight back, and he again won his
freedom. I believe such will be true of
us. I pray that our struggles will turn
us once again toward the light of the Son, that we will remember God and
publicly and privately choose to live the 10 commandments so that we can have
peace and prosper as a nation. I have
faith in Elder Eyring’s words that when the Savoir returns we will be prepared
as a people to receive Him having established Zion
1-6-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.175
1-6-12
“He did deliver me from
bondage” p.175
The
thought of ‘conscious contact with God’ is jumping out at me today. I don’t think I am doing this throughout the
day as a Mother. It’s like I say my
prayers in my room and then leave God there while I go about my chores
elsewhere in the house. I need to ask
Him to go with me so I can stay ‘sober’ by having this conscious continuous
contact with Him. Elder Corbridge said
that “everything depends on getting and keeping the gift of the Holy Ghost in
our lives; everything depends on that.”
I believe that is true. My power
to stay sober will depend on my ability to get and keep the gift of the Holy
Ghost in my thoughts, words, and actions.
There
are many things I need to learn to let go of to let go of, especially my
addiction to perfectionism. Now that I have
realized that the addiction is to perfectionism and not the resulting anger, I
feel I need to start this process all over again. It has helped me grow so much. Maybe I can take it with me and add in and
apply my parenting course to these studies somehow.
p. 176 “And this zealousness, this enthusiasm (the
root entheos derives from the Greek expression meaning “God in us”), will not
leave us, even thought life might go on to administer more “wounds”.
Wow
!!! I love this. Once in my past I had associated a bad
connotation to the word zeal because I was referred to a talk called “Zeal
without Knowledge”. I took it too
personally at the time. Certainly zeal
without knowledge is like a wild water hose spraying wildly on full blast, but
also knowledge will never be gained without the zeal to seek it. I realized in reading this that I do have
zeal. I feel an incredible desire to
reach and learn. I think it may be the
same feeling that drove Abraham Lincoln to take books into the field, or that
drove Thomas Jefferson to study 15 hours a day.
Who knows what we can or will each become in 25 years? Is it not possible that with the Lord we too
can do great things? They were just
living their missions, just like God has asked each one of us to live ours. They heard the call and did the work He asked
of them. I believe if we do the same
that the ripple effect created by God will be all that it needs to be to
glorify Him with our lives, and to me that’s all that matters.
On
this paragraph I also find it interesting with her use of the word
‘administer’. It seems that inflict
would be more appropriate. But actually that
seems to create a victim. If wounds are
administered then they are intentionally and carefully placed. I am going through what seems to be a strange
phase in my learning right now where the things that I suffer seem to become
more insufferable every day. I am
becoming more and more impatient with all the extra stuff in my home that I
don’t need that bogs me down. I am
creating more conflict in my home with the purpose of laying down rules and
establishing order, but it is a period of chaos that will create order. Somehow I must decide to just keep walking
forward doing the right thing for the right reasons and let them come
along. Creating this contention is very
hard for me because in my heart I want to be a peacemaker and have everything
be nice and sweet all the time… but that is not reality, especially not my
reality. Even though I am not excited
about it, I think this may be the only path we can take in order to get out of
this addiction and this ‘tradition of our fathers’.
It
seems that every year when I go to the Clark County Fair, I learn some amazing
life lesson. For some reason it seems to
be a time of testing for me to see if I am going to keep going in life
regardless of the resistance I encounter.
This last year my husband decided he wasn’t going to go and I had
pre-purchased tickets for the kids to go on the rides. I was committed and didn’t want to waste the
money. I tried to get some help but
nothing panned out. I ended up going
into the fair with 4 kids under 6 years old, by myself, in the cold after the
snow (yes snow here in Overton seems to happen once every 4 or 5 years). I was determined to find a way to make it
work, and we did it, happily even. It
was a test of my attitude, and this time I passed.
The
year before that was another story. I did
not want to be there and felt obligated (victimized) to go for other people’s
reasons. I felt like a victim in many
areas of my life. I remember getting out
of the car trying to keep from loosing my temper, getting the kids loaded into
a wagon. Every one was fighting and
everything was going wrong. As I was
walking from the last row of cars about a mile out pulling the wagon on the
dirt parking lot, I had to keep stopping to take care of something with one of
the kids or to stop a fight. Something
snapped in me and I realized that either I could stay there in the parking lot
trying to fix problems, or I could keep on going through chaos to reach our
destination. Progress is too critical to
me so I decided to keep going even though everything seems to be going
wrong. The Spirit has brought back that
experience to my mind many different times when I am tying to decide to fix
problems or move forward toward my vision.
The thing that I keep learning is that it is pointless to try to fix
endless problems, but there is a lot of value in fixing problems that remove
road blocks in the path toward our vision.
Hum. I just had a cool little epiphany. To put into perspective how to describe the
vision of the Garden School
Wow,
I have been praying for this for so long.
I think the seedling if finally beginning to break through the surface
of the ground. I’m so glad I took the
time to write it down.
1-5-12 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.174
p.174 I am reading this just sobbing. I imagined myself giving a ‘what I’ve learned
in the 12 step program talk’ and this would be the closing. It is everything I have been trying to
convince others of this past 4 years, but I still have not learned to fully
apply to myself. I know she can say this
with the power that she does because she has done it. I am ready now to fully apply this ‘in all
areas of my life’; in every thought words and deed. Now I am ready to begin again.
Hilary
Weeks “Tender Behind the Mercy” He is by
my side: not because I deserve it, not because I’m elect or perfect ‘having no
need for repentance’. I beat upon my
chest and pray for forgiveness. He is
here because I need Him, and because of mercy.
I am so undeserving.
“He
loves me”
p.173 “There is only one way that… the perfection
addict can stay out of the life-damaging tenseness and desire to control which
their compulsion creates.”
I
have been realizing more and more that it is not anger that is my
addition. I laugh at my folly to confuse
the consequence with the stimulus. At
least I CAN laugh now, where as before I would have gotten angry at myself. I can because I have learned to forgive though
the Atonement. I laugh at my ‘slowness’
to recognize my weakness. As I read this
it struck me. Then after I got done
studying, it came back into my mind. This
whole time I thought I had an anger addiction.
Now I see that It is not anger
that plagues me but perfectionism.
Maybe that’s why the Lord has been leading me to learn righteous
influence. I mean, if this weakness is
turned into a strength then my tendency or desire to manipulate to get my way
will turn into a powerful win-win situation, because I refuse to ‘lose’. I started to read a small book yesterday
called “The little green book of Getting what you want.” Through this 12 step process I have learned
at least to get my heart right before God: to want the right thing for the
right reason. Now I need to learn to get
it in the right way, so that it leads others to Christ.
1-5-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 169
“I believe that each of us in our
own way, with our own unique talents, will awaken to the desire to participate
in this great effort to help others come to Him and acknowledge His complete
supremacy.”
This
is another quality that ‘seems to be common to us all’. This is part of the pattern of
discipleship. After He has filled our
cup, we give freely.
“It might give our closest loved
ones some much-needed space in which to practice their own moral agency.”
I
still don’t know for sure where this line is.
I want to, desperately, but in my heart I don’t ‘own it’ like I know the
law of the harvest or the principles of opposition or work. What must I do to understand this? What must I change? I want to see the truth and allow others this
space, but continually in my actions I observe myself stepping over the
line. It’s so much easier to see this in
my past actions, but from what I’ve learned in the past that means it is in my
current actions-- only I can’t see it because I am blinded to it. I feel like I’ve grown so much and that I
should have already learned this… but
maybe it’s like charity as the final crown.
I am pleading and praying and I know God will guide me to come to
know. He will. He has in the past time and time again, and
He will in the future. That I do
know.
2N
8:11 Can I change the last of this scripture to
promise me that control and anger shall flee away? This is what I want- to sing
everlasting joy in Zion
“The dreadful abuse my children
lived with from both their parents had ended, and a gradual but steady healing
is taking place.”
I
wish I could say the same. I feel like
now I have learned much, but I still must go and apply ‘in all areas of my
life’ so that I can own in truth what I have learned in theory.
[1-19-12 It has now been a couple weeks since I wrote
this, and since then I have seen evidences of this promise coming true. I am learning to control myself and good ways
to lead and enlist the obedience of my children. I don’t say so in order to say that I have it
all figured out now, but only to celebrate the small victories that we all need
to remember to look for every day.]
p.172 I love this last full paragraph on this page.
(It starts with “I tried it.”)
Especially her prayer,
“Lord, I’m being so tempted to
feel…, or think…, or do… I have no hope but Thee. O Jesus, Thou Son of God, deliver me! Father, apply the Atoning power of Thy Son.”
I’ve
realized more and more lately that I am going to have to do this in writing--
to write down all the negative voices to bleed and clean them out. [As in Kirk Duncan’s dark dot voices.] I just haven’t yet been able to recognize the
temptation in the ‘very moment’ it comes.
I recognized the feeling that comes as a result, but the thoughts are
currently obscure to me. I supposed this
is part of the gift of discernment I must pray for.
I
must add my witness to one point here to build on this idea of thoughts that
tempt us. She said that she thought she
was a bad person if she had a bad thought, but she learned that this idea was a
lie. I totally agree. I have felt that too. She also said that she believes we ‘can’t
just eliminate them’. I’m not sure I
agree with this. If we, like Christ, are
to ‘overcome the world’ and bind Satan with our faith in Jesus Christ, then will
we not eventually overcome these dark thoughts and eliminate them? It will take work, but I believe it will
happen. One added truth I have learned
beyond what she is talking about here is from Kirk Duncan about the dark Dot
Voices. I truly believe that these come
from a source OUTSIDE of ‘self’ and not from within ‘self’. There are minions of the adversary around us
who whisper lies into our spiritual ears, and if we are not aware of their
influence then we are under their influence.
I realized this one day as I was coming home from church. I had been struggling with a negative belief
about myself that ‘I was judgmental’- that it was a weakness that I owned. As I was driving out of the church parking
lot when I had a judgmental thought go through my head about someone who
happened to be coming out of the building.
I brushed it off, ignored it (resisted it existed as she says) and kept
going. After I resisted this temptation
to entertain this thought, on my way home while thinking about Kirk Duncan’s
work, I realized that the thought did not originate from within me; it was not
mine. It was from a dark dot voice. And if it came from a source outside of me,
then it was not in me and I was not the one who was judgmental. It was a temptation I had succumbed to, but
it was not from inside me. It was no
longer mine! The lights went on and I
realized truth and no longer owned the sin of ‘being judgmental’. It changed completely how I saw myself and my
‘weaknesses’. I know if we turn to God
in every moment of temptation, we can be delivered. I am just trying to recognize that
moment…
“When I first began to practice
soberness, I would often be challenged by another human being who was filled
with fear, anger, resentment, etcetera; sometimes, before I knew it, [and then]
I was staggering “drunk” again… Do you want some too? And I would succumb.”
This
is exactly my problem with one of my children!
I didn’t recognize it until she said this, but wow! I feel like I need to start these 12 steps
all over again. This is SO me. I don’t feel like they are in my heart enough
to be able to practice all of them all of the time, or even one
moment at a time. I can do one at a
time. Maybe as I start again, I will
think of snowballing instead of doing them individually one step at a time.
1-3-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 167 & Eyring "Hearts Knit Together"
1-3-12
“He did deliver me from bondage” p.
167 & Eyring "Hearts Knit Together"
Mosiah
27:25 The phrase of “changed from their
carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness” stands out to me. This reminds me of my visual of the carnal
man in the box and the man of light on the respective left and right sides of
the Z model. Having a mighty change of
heart is the whole point. After reading
the Book of Mormon we 1st come unto Christ to gain a testimony that
He is the way, the only way, 2nd We read daily to align and purify
our lives to ‘become’, and 3rd eventually receive a mighty change of heart.
Everything Alma and his people were inspired to do was pointed
at helping people choose to have their hearts changed through the Atonement
of Jesus Christ. That is the only
way God can grant the blessing of being of one heart. (Bold added)
It
all makes sense to me that if we are to become one we must each go through this
process. It is my pinnacle desire and I
am now weeping because of the deep desire I have for this vision. I pray there may come a day in the church
when these things will become part of the general conversation: in thought,
word, and deed. That ‘all that we do’
will be pointed at renewing our own change and helping others to find theirs
through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I
know there is no other way.
What will become more obvious to us is that the Atonement brings
the same changes in all of us. We become disciples who are meek, loving, easy
to be entreated, and at the same time fearless and faithful in all things.
I
have been looking for this quote for months!
I’m so excited that I re-listened to this talk!
Because their hearts were knit, they were
magnified in their power.
I
love this talk! I also like that he said
the first principle of unity is revelation, and the second humility. This is good stuff, but I gotta go for
now. Time to be a Mom.
1-3-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.161, Step 12
1-3-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.161, Step
12
I
have to tell you, I have been very anxious to get to this part. I am anticipating some good stuff! I really love her writing style and depth of
her thoughts.
I
was curious about this phrase she mentioned yesterday that is again here in
step 12 of “to practice these principles in all our affairs”. I was hoping that these scriptures would have
enlightened something about this but they didn’t. I have been noticing inconsistencies between
theory to practice either in my life or those around me. I really want to be able to align all my
thoughts, words, and deeds to be able to live what I believe. It like James Allen says in “As a Man
Thinketh” (somewhere around page 57) that we will get what we want when
everything that we want is in alignment.
Sorry it’s not an exact quote (a friend is borrowing that book right
now.) I think the power to share with
others and convince them of lies that
they may be trapped in, the crux is that we first apply and do in our own lives. Convincing others becomes so much easier once
we have convinced ourselves. This is
what the Savoir was talking about when He said, “First cast the mote out of thy
own eye, then thou shalt see clearly to remove the beam out of thy brothers
eye.”
p.162 “At the very least, we’ve
come to realize that there is no other name, way or means (power) that can take
us all the way to a state of healing and peace equal to the challenges in these
last days.”
I
think as the difficulty and trials of these ‘times that try men’s souls’ goes
on that this will become increasingly true.
I long to see others turn away from distraction and sin and turn toward
the Savoir to drink from the only living waters that can truly heal them. I see such pain in people’s lives, but it’s a
result of choice. I hope we can all come
to recognize our choices and the results we are getting because of those choices.
“It’s my hope and prayer that you…
have turned to the Book of Mormon and allowed it to bring you close to Heavenly
Father.”
That
reminds me of one of my goals this year, is to turn to the scriptures for
problems solving. Elder Scott gave a
great talk on this last conference. If
fact, the first two talks confirmed the same principle in using the
scriptures. I know this is definitely
going to improve my ability to spiritually see and hear.
I
like how she expresses her feelings and thoughts in approaching how to write
this last chapter. I like emotional
openness.
p.163 “It was only when I stopped
trying to fix myself and admitted my need for the Savoir that I began to
experience such love and kindness, such empowerment and redemption from Him,
that changes—heart deep changes—began to happen.”
I
really love this truth and I can witness the same in my own life. This is the seed of changing the world. Did you notice that she felt compelled to
share after she had changed herself? I
think this is the natural pattern of discipleship, missionary work, and living
our personal missions. The pattern I see
is to I Change yourself through Christ to gain personal victory, II Build
Family Unity and gain the power of the team, learning mission and vision
individually and collectively, and lastly III is to reach out and share, to
invite, even toward the end of building synergistic communities; in other words
Zion.
“But gradually, my efforts failed
and I realized I couldn’t live in this half-measure effort to repent.”
I
remember this feeling: like I had tried everything else to fix myself and knew
without question that I had no other options.
I don’t know why I didn’t try the sure one first and I had to put myself
through all that suffering by kicking against the pricks. The sad part is that I kept myself closed off
to joy. The good part is that now that
I’m here I know it without equivocation: that He is the ONLY way. I too would feel it a privilege to declare
this before the world.
“Only then was I prepared to
receive His gift: a remission of my sinful nature, a complete
change of disposition and desire to do harm to myself or others.”
I
really love this. To me this is the
state of BE that we are in: our character of who we are to date. I do think that a desire to harm others or ourselves
by feeling sorry for ourselves or punishing ourselves so that others will feel
sorry for us is a state of BE that we pass on to our children without even
knowing it. This disposition to do good
is what they learn and absorb into their psyche and become. I think this is one of the most important
‘traditions of our fathers’ that can be handed down for good or evil.
Wow,
I love this quote by Benson:
p.166
”When we awake and are born of God, a new day will break andZion
”When we awake and are born of God, a new day will break and
May we be convinced that Jesus is
the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him,
consumed in Him, and born again.”
This
is how we will establish Zion
Wow,
is she saying that missionary work is our path to joy? As well as our key to retaining a remission
of sins? Did I hear that right? In the back of my mind sometimes I have been
afraid of sounding like I’m being self-righteous, but she is saying is it our privilege
and our obligation. Hum.
Last
paragraph on p.166:
Is
she saying that being born again is more important than baptism? This is kind of what I was trying to say the
other day about baptism that it will all be worked out eventually. The important part is what is happening on
the inside, not necessarily when the ordinance is preformed on the
outside.
I
really do feel like I missed out not being able to attend a group with this 12
Step process, but I can only hope that this has been a needed part of my path
and necessary for me to learn to apply these principles to me. I think it’s gone deeper for personal
reasons, and not for reasons of showing others or telling others… Maybe someday I will yet me able to attend a
group.
1-2-12 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.160, Day 7
1-2-12
“He did deliver me from bondage”
p.160, Day 7
40 But behold,
they have received many wounds; nevertheless they astand fast in that bliberty wherewith God has
made them free; and they are strict to remember the Lord their God from day to
day; yea, they do observe to keep his statutes, and his judgments, and his
commandments continually; and their faith is strong in the prophecies
concerning that which is to come.
“How must we respond
to these “wounds” if we would “stand fast in that liberty wherewith God has
made us free?”
I think the rest of this verse answers our question:
1. Because they were
“strict” to remember the Lord their God from day to day
2. and OBSERVE to keep
his statues, judgments, and commandments continually
3. As a result of their
work they received the fruit of unquenchable faith to hold with all their might
to the prophecies of things to come
I see this applies to me in what I must do to
1. Be strict with myself
to continue to get up every day at 5 am to study & be a
good student
2. Continually look for
ways in my home and my life that I can better apply what I know so that I may
grow to “practice these principles in all our affairs”
3. Hold fast with all my
might to the vision of Zion
Also
I must apply the doctrine of the Sermon on the Mount
1.
Love others when they hurt me, do good to them that use me, and pray for them
who persecute me so that they may come to join God’s team and receive joy in
this life and salvation in the world to come
2. Forgive instead of take offense and allow
them to grow. For me this is a matter of
remembering that we are all in the process of becoming. We are not today who we will yet become and
to forgive those moments of infirmities in myself and others will help us grow
toward that vision of Zion
3. Remember that God is the ultimate judge and
He will make all things justified. If
there is a wound I have received in my discipleship of Christ I will suffer it
for Christ’s sake even allowing them to hurt me that they may see the effects
of their violence and turn away from their darkness.
Other
talk appropriate for today:
Bednar “Quick to observe”
Bednar “Quick to observe”
There are two stories here that I love. One about a man who dresses to “show the Lord
He loves Him” and another that “must stand” to pray. I love that both of these actions as evidence
of their inner commitment. I’m not so
sure that the action itself is necessarily applicable for everyone at all
stages of the path but it’s the commitment they demonstrate to be faithful in
all their capacity. It seems to be equal
to my own commitment to get up everyday at 5am to
study. What do you do to show your
commitment to the Lord to follow Him?
12-31-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.160, Day 6
12-31-11
“He did deliver me from
bondage” p.160, Day 6
I
think verse 5 gives a clue to the answer to her question. As I was reading this verse, the words
“retain their brightness” jumped out at me.
Its a natural condition of morality that the human mind easily forgets,
in the same way a garden will become overrun with weeds when not cared
for. It is the principle of work that
keeps us swimming upstream in the river of life. If we do not work, we get weak and float down
stream. As we work to share with others,
it keeps us in a learning mode. Also I
have noticed that in the past when I have shared with others the principles I
am learning, the Spirit recalls the words to me for me to apply in my own
life. It ignites my integrity to feel
that if I am telling others to do it, then I better get myself in gear. I know none of us are perfect and I can’t
perfectly do what I share with others.
It all comes down to Gandhi’s words to “be the change I wish to see in
the world.” This is living from the
inside out. When we ‘give advice to
others’ especially words we have not lived we are living from the outside
in.
I
just had a little insight into why my writing felt off yesterday. I think my heart was in an authoritarian
mind-frame, so that I thought of myself as the teacher. Today as I am writing I am consciously
working at trying to remember I am a student simply sharing the discoveries I
have made. This puts me in the
application mode of truth, rather than the un-relatable position of a Guru
teacher. I think I am being tempted into
pride by seeing myself as someone who possesses wisdom. The truth is that wisdom is not owned, it is
seen through work as we apply truth in our lives- and belongs only to
God. We all see truth from our own
individual perspective and only the Spirit can translate what that means for
each of us. I will never be able to say
the perfect words for someone else to hear because of all the ‘wisdom I
have’. As I was talking to a friend
yesterday, I wondered if I had possibly said something that may have helped
her. Often times in my past I have
thought of the things others have told me and wondered, ‘why didn’t they say it
this way? It would have meant so much
more to me then.” I realized that no
other mortal can say the exact words we need to hear in the exact way we need
to hear it. It is only the Spirit that
can interpret those words to our hearts so that they hit their providential
target. It’s not my job to try to
‘declare the word of soberness to the world’ as a teacher or one who has
arrived. I am a student; I am a
recovering addict who has problems just like everyone else. I struggle with temptation and this is a
perfect example. I have learned much and
come to a place the path that is a little more visible, but the struggle and
the work are still a part of life. I
love what Elder Corbridge said in a talk called the way: http://lds.org/ensign/2008/11/the-way?lang=eng
“Life is hard for all of us-- For
everyone everywhere. Life is hard but
life is simple. We have only two
choices. We can either follow Him and
have His light… or we can go some other way and go it alone in darkness doubt
grief and despair.”
12-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 5 continued
12-30-11
“He did deliver me from bondage”
p.159, Day 5 continued
I
didn’t notice this yesterday about the Book of Mormon, “Encouragement to seek
and obtain this “mighty change” is the very plea of the Book of Mormon.” I never realized that. I knew it’s purpose was to testify of Christ
and invite all men to come unto Him, but ‘seek and obtain this mighty change?’ How come I’ve missed it all these years? It’s not as if I never read the book before,
I have- a few different times. It really
just amazes me that I staggered around half asleep in the gospel for so
long. Why did I awaken now? It that an internal thing that happens when
someone is ready and ‘the baby fully developed’? Or is it really a process of being awakened
by God, somewhat of an involuntary thing?
I had never equated being born again with being baptized before. I’m not sure that it is essential or
prerequisite to receiving a mighty change.
King Lamoni had a mighty change when Alma
My
thoughts about my baptism: I was still
so young and unprepared. It is awe
inspiring to me to think that 8 years old is the young age that God has
ordained for one to be accountable and be baptized. I was in a primary teacher’s training once
when the teacher asked something about “Is 8 yrs old enough to be accountable
and be baptized?” She asked it in such a
way that really made us wonder. There
was about a half and half split with people who thought 8 yrs old was old
enough to be accountable, to others that did not. The teacher affirmed that if we as parents
prepare our children properly then they will be ready to receive the Holy Ghost
even at this young age. I just think of
all the things I didn’t do or become because I wasn’t prepared. I was born into a generational cycle of
acceptable Mormon addictions and the effects of them. Mine is a life time to change all that I
can. My children? I have such hopes that they will be able to
fly as I never could. I know it is their
choice and their responsibility, but I have such great hopes and I am working
to be the example I hope for them to follow.
D&C
93 looks like it has a lot of answers to what I was just wondering.
I
feel like this was written for me right now in my path. I just search ‘agency’ in the scriptures so
that I could figure out how to better understand and avoid anger. I love the part about truth, and seeking
learning; And being friends in Christ. I
never knew that we had a record of John the Baptist’s record of Jesus’
baptism! I guess it is really appropriate
for this day about baptism hum? It is
amazing how the Spirit can lead learning.
It is a true marvel to me and I love it.
Hilary
Weeks “Closer” One more step closer to Him is one step,
regardless weather or not that step is baptism.
I could be wrong but I just figure all that will be worked out
eventually and is not the main point.
The point is to grow closer to Him, one day; one step at a time.
Hilary
Weeks “Give ye to me”
12-29-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 4
I
love this phrase in v. 5: “my joy cometh over them after wading through much affliction and
sorrow.”
I
think I have finally come to accept the juxtaposition of the opposition of
life. I am coming to a place of
acceptance not only with opposition but within myself. I am learning to accept and love who I
am. Words cannot begin to describe the
difference I feel in my heart. It is
making a huge difference in my home and role as a Mother. I am so thankful for repentance; that I can
change and grow.
I
love how Alma
v.6
says “ye look forward for the remission of your sins, with an
everlasting faith, which is to come.”
I wonder if it was much different for them in their time in history
before Christ was born in the development their faith in the way they had to
‘look forward’; if it was different than us who have to look back in time and
believe that He was the Christ. I
suppose it all boils down to faith either way.
I
love the pattern in v.17 & v.18.
Well maybe it’s not so much of a pattern as it is a manifestation of
faith. Alma
So
now to v.14: being born again. I love
the comparison of physical birth to spiritual rebirth. I have been through full-term pregnancy and
birth now 4 times. I love this
comparison because there is so much truth is natural systems. I have observed through this process many
times the similarities between the two.
It is also much like that of a seed (also a natural system of
growth). A seed is dormant (as in
spiritually sleep) until it is awakened to the power of God and life begins to
germinate. It remains hidden in darkness
under the ground just as a baby is hidden in the womb. It is ironic to me that the moment life
springs forth no one but God alone is aware of it. Maybe it is His special moment of bonding
with that new life. The seed must grow
hidden for a period of time until it gains enough strength and growth to break
through the surface. It is also
interesting to note that most seeds will not spout unless they are in
the dark. When I sprout grains, like
wheat, it grows best at nighttime when it’s dark and is most similar to the
environment of what it is like under the real soil. I noticed in my own life in the beginning of
learning some new truth that there is a timeline where we feel uncertain but
hopeful. If we to share with others our
new found truth before it is sufficiently strong, it’s vulnerability to be
crushed is too great. I remember a
period of learning through the Spirit when I thought it was true but I wasn’t
sure. I had to continue to learn and
apply what I was learning so that I could gain more and experiment enough to be
able to see the wisdom of applied truth.
After we see the fruit we are sure that it was a good seed, but while it
is in those first tentative stages life is so fragile.
I
wish being born again was something we talked more about at church. Then again, it seems to be one of those
mysteries that remains locked until we see it with our own faith and live
it. I just wish I could find more people
to share the journey with to be able to identify the truth better… maybe that’s
just my lack of faith and trusting God.
So
let’s compare spiritual birth and physical birth. The heart or a baby is grown in a period of
seclusion, growing in self mastery; going through many labor pains. The hormonal changes and wide mood swings,
the changes in the body (getting bigger very slowly one day at a time till you
can no longer tie your shoes or reach your feet to put on your pants)- and so it
is that I have seen this process spiritually.
I have had slow and steady growth, even in the stage of not knowing for
certain if I was ‘pregnant’. I have
grown in obedience and listened to the Spirit to ‘prove’ myself worthy of the
‘more’ that He had in store. I have felt
my mission slowly grow inside of me until now it feels so big that I am going
to explode unless I get it out of me and DO something with it. I must become useful to God and prosper His
plan or my life is of no worth.
I
am noticing as I write today that something is off. I say so only so that I can come back and
read this later to try to figure out what it is. It seems I am mentally in more of an
analyzing mode and not a discovery mode.
I tend to explain too much analytically; where discovering is about the
reader learning truths and asking questions to provoke thought.
It
seems even though I think I have been through this process that there is still
more for me to learn or apply because my tongue (or fingers in the case) are
not getting to what I mean to say. It
feels like I am relying more on the arm of the flesh and my will than on the
Spirit. Perhaps it is a necessary progression
in learning the fragile balance interdependence.
I
bet Colleen will say it better when I get there.
12-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.A-55
Traditions of Our Parents:
Psalms
27:10 http://lds.org/scriptures/ot/ps/27?lang=eng
I
was just thinking as I read verses 1-10
of David’s father. If I remember
correctly, didn’t he try to kill David? Saul was jealous of the 10 thousands
that David’s army had killed and he had not killed as much so he banished him
to the desert for a while and then tried to have him killed? Talk about forsaken by your father. If anyone knows he does! I wonder how much love and nurturing he
received as a child; if he felt rejected and unloved. Still being a prince, there must have been
someone to tell him of his greatness and prepare him to be King.
These
are the words of Korihor. He is so good
at taking what he is doing and twisting it to be his enemy’s sin and not his
own. I like v. 27. It reveals exactly his own intentions, not Alma
Again
the words of unbelievers in Samuel the Lamenite’s time. I’m not following their line of reasoning in
choosing these scriptures…
Pretty
good description of the mother harlot who is the whore of all the earth and her
effects on the children of men. I think
this is deeply connected to Colleen’s idea of codependency and CS Lewis’s Inner
Ring. Because codependency is the
strongest in families, these evil traditions of trying to play this game are
taught without words. It is also quite
strong between families, possibly the second strongest, so that families like
the Rothchild’s and Vanderbuilts have passed on these traditions for hundreds
of years in their thirst for power. (Referring
to the Establishment within our government, i.e. the modern day Gaddianton
Robbers. See the movie “The End Zone” by
Alex Jones)
I’m
confused. I thought that the sins of the
children were answered upon the heads of their parents. I guess I must be thinking of before 8 yrs
old. This is talking about Adam and
Eve’s transgression (the parent) being upon the heads of the children. Oh! I
get it. It’s the other way around. Meaning that we are not ‘living in sin’
because Adam ate of the fruit. This
refutes the belief some other churches have where (something to the effect of)
we are living in a fallen world and cannot be redeemed. But this says that Christ’s atonement atones
for the sins of this original guilt- meaning all generations thereafter do not
have to suffer because of his choice.
My
Conclusions:
While I like the idea of a group of scriptures on this subject, this is not the scriptures I would have chosen. My beliefs about ‘The traditions of my fathers’ have come from the ones talking about the curse being on the children to the third and fourth generation. I once wrote an article I submitted to the Ensign on the Traditions of our Fathers. It didn’t get printed, but it helped me clarify some of my beliefs on the matter. I have felt it is my choice and challenge to break this generational cycle. I see it in my sisters too. We are each trying to improve and purify upon the traditions we were given so that we can give our children an improved heritage.
While I like the idea of a group of scriptures on this subject, this is not the scriptures I would have chosen. My beliefs about ‘The traditions of my fathers’ have come from the ones talking about the curse being on the children to the third and fourth generation. I once wrote an article I submitted to the Ensign on the Traditions of our Fathers. It didn’t get printed, but it helped me clarify some of my beliefs on the matter. I have felt it is my choice and challenge to break this generational cycle. I see it in my sisters too. We are each trying to improve and purify upon the traditions we were given so that we can give our children an improved heritage.
I
think there is more here I’d like to explore later, possibly gathering my own
list. It will probably come up on my
Parenting course this year.
12-27-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.A-55
Confusing of Boundaries:
Matt
13:21 I
find it pretty ironically funny that because I struggle so much with not
understanding boundaries that I totally don’t get what this scripture has to do
with this subject…
Gal
6:4-5 This
is more helpful. I like the phrase
‘prove his own work’. Last night I read
that Thomas Jefferson said something to the effect that is it so easy and quick
to give advice to another person, but yet the giver still cannot solve his own problems. I like this phrase of ‘prove his own work’
because in a small way this is what I am trying to do with my experiments on
truth: to apply my own advice to see if it works- to prove it and thereby
create an asset worthy to share with others.
True what works for me may not work for others, but at least I am not
(or at least have decreased the frequency of) giving advice to (or attempting
to teach) others on things I have not yet applied in my own life. I think my goal this year can be summed up
in Gandhi’s words to “Be the change I wish to see in the world.” Not because I think I’m all that, but because
I can only change me.
Obviously
somewhere is my reasoning of understanding the truth I error because I still
fail to keep my temper with my children.
I believe if I truly understand and live the law of agency I will no
longer feel a need to get angry but having ‘done all I can do’ will be able to
let go and let others choose, even and especially my children.
Hel
14:30-31 Maybe because my children are
all under the age of 8 with me still being accountable before the bar of God
for their choices puts me a little over the line, or moved the line. Maybe the line isn’t straight as I had
assumed. Maybe as they grow older and
become accountable for themselves I will come to better understand how to work
within their agency and God’s will and better be able to allow them to ‘choose
for themselves’. For now, I am doing my
best but feel like I’m failing miserably.
Oh well, as long as I keep failing forward then I’ll make progress by
and by.
It
must be difficult as a parent watching one of your children choose evil and
still allowing that choice. It’s
probably one of the worst pains there is.
At least with the pain of my own ‘victim-ness’ it is something I can do
something about. I know the choice is
all mine. But with the choice of a child
who is accountable … it is not something that you can do anything about but
pray and hope and wait. I think it
requires more faith to believe that they will come back and the promises of the
temple be fulfilled that one day they will be eternally by your side- to hope
beyond hope even though the actions we see are totally contrary evidence. It’s like someone explained in our Gospel
Doctrine class that when we are in these close up moments of life it’s like
we’re looking at one frame of a film strip.
The film passes at something like 20 frames per second and we get stuck
on one frame. But if you step back and
look at the whole film real at the same time you can gain perspective to see
that there have been hard times before and there is much more film yet to
come. God is good and will deliver us
out of the trials of our bondage if we continue in faith. The quote that keeps me holding on is (I
think it’s from Featherson) that if we are faithful to our temple covenants
then our children will be with us in the eternities. It puts the responsibility and control back
on us to change us and helps me let go of the need to get angry at them and
just love the good I see in them now- to accept them as they are even though
they have mud on their shoes, and love them toward the light. (Here I go giving advice on that which I have
not yet applied. Hopefully I can use it
when I need to remember perspective in my own life.)
Ether
12:37 I find it ironic that God commands us to ‘pray
with all the energy of thy soul’ for the gift of charity. Then we take our prayers to Him like Ether
and then He says ‘if they have not charity it mattereth not to thee.’ The answer that comes in my head is, “No it
may not matter to me directly, but because of the great love you have been
blessed me with to feel this love and compassion for them it pains me to see
them in trials. I mean, what good does
it do to sit down in the mansions prepared for us if we sit there alone? I suppose that as we pray for others with
charity we must still remember that it is God decision to bless whom He will,
and leave our prayers as requests on the alter and allow Him to fulfill them as
He wilt.
I
really do love this format of study: to take questions, concern, or a problem
to the scriptures and put together a group of scriptures on the subject then
journal about them. It is very helpful
is the psychological process of belief and increasing testimony. This is also one of my goals this year- to do
this and take my problems to the scriptures.
Then I’m going to make a journal book about the journey. I need to focus on learning better in my
parenting stewardship, so I’m going to focus on that stewardship. I know parenting holds in life for us the
greatest joys and the deepest sorrows, and that we’re never ‘done’ learning to
be parents. So I thought for me and
others who want to learn with me, that it would be helpful. The coolest part is that I have these tapes
from BYU that my Mom got when she was in a child development class. I have listened to a couple of them and they
are so founded in deep principle and truth they are truly classics. They’re like auditory gold. I’m going to connect these tapes to the
scriptures and test and prove my own theories through scripture. It’s going to be great! I’m so excited!
Hilary
Weeks “He loves Me” He loves me right here right now, when I’m weak when I’m
strong; when I stand when I fall… Maybe
I have trouble doing this for others because I have trouble believing that God
really does this for me. This song is
working a miracle in me.
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