My 12 Step Journal: 01/10/12

12-31-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.160, Day 6

I think verse 5 gives a clue to the answer to her question. As I was reading this verse, the words “retain their brightness” jumped out at me. Its a natural condition of morality that the human mind easily forgets, in the same way a garden will become overrun with weeds when not cared for. It is the principle of work that keeps us swimming upstream in the river of life. If we do not work, we get weak and float down stream. As we work to share with others, it keeps us in a learning mode. Also I have noticed that in the past when I have shared with others the principles I am learning, the Spirit recalls the words to me for me to apply in my own life. It ignites my integrity to feel that if I am telling others to do it, then I better get myself in gear. I know none of us are perfect and I can’t perfectly do what I share with others. It all comes down to Gandhi’s words to “be the change I wish to see in the world.” This is living from the inside out. When we ‘give advice to others’ especially words we have not lived we are living from the outside in.

I just had a little insight into why my writing felt off yesterday. I think my heart was in an authoritarian mind-frame, so that I thought of myself as the teacher. Today as I am writing I am consciously working at trying to remember I am a student simply sharing the discoveries I have made. This puts me in the application mode of truth, rather than the un-relatable position of a Guru teacher. I think I am being tempted into pride by seeing myself as someone who possesses wisdom. The truth is that wisdom is not owned, it is seen through work as we apply truth in our lives- and belongs only to God. We all see truth from our own individual perspective and only the Spirit can translate what that means for each of us. I will never be able to say the perfect words for someone else to hear because of all the ‘wisdom I have’. As I was talking to a friend yesterday, I wondered if I had possibly said something that may have helped her. Often times in my past I have thought of the things others have told me and wondered, ‘why didn’t they say it this way? It would have meant so much more to me then.” I realized that no other mortal can say the exact words we need to hear in the exact way we need to hear it. It is only the Spirit that can interpret those words to our hearts so that they hit their providential target. It’s not my job to try to ‘declare the word of soberness to the world’ as a teacher or one who has arrived. I am a student; I am a recovering addict who has problems just like everyone else. I struggle with temptation and this is a perfect example. I have learned much and come to a place the path that is a little more visible, but the struggle and the work are still a part of life. I love what Elder Corbridge said in a talk called the way: http://lds.org/ensign/2008/11/the-way?lang=eng “Life is hard for all of us-- For everyone everywhere. Life is hard but life is simple. We have only two choices. We can either follow Him and have His light… or we can go some other way and go it alone in darkness doubt grief and despair.”

12-30-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 5 continued

I didn’t notice this yesterday about the Book of Mormon, “Encouragement to seek and obtain this “mighty change” is the very plea of the Book of Mormon.” I never realized that. I knew it’s purpose was to testify of Christ and invite all men to come unto Him, but ‘seek and obtain this mighty change?’ How come I’ve missed it all these years? It’s not as if I never read the book before, I have- a few different times. It really just amazes me that I staggered around half asleep in the gospel for so long. Why did I awaken now? It that an internal thing that happens when someone is ready and ‘the baby fully developed’? Or is it really a process of being awakened by God, somewhat of an involuntary thing? I had never equated being born again with being baptized before. I’m not sure that it is essential or prerequisite to receiving a mighty change. King Lamoni had a mighty change when Alma taught him. He hadn’t been baptized yet, but I’m sure was soon thereafter. I’m sure there are many people who are not baptized members of this church who have begun to have a mighty change. I think baptism may be a key, and after we are baptized with one who has been given authority from God then we still have to learn to use the key to open the door. I’m not sure. I still don’t understand in my heart the real separation between the light of Christ that is initially given to every person born into this life and actually receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. I know the missionary explanation about the glove and the hand (is that the one?) but my heart doesn’t “Get” it. I guess I don’t see people outside the church as so different than myself. I believe that if we are both Christians then we are siblings. Any friend of Christ, where ever they may be found, what ever stage of life or learning, is a friend of mine. If we both want the same thing (to seek to know Christ and learn of Him) then we are on the same team, regardless of one’s official status of baptism.

My thoughts about my baptism: I was still so young and unprepared. It is awe inspiring to me to think that 8 years old is the young age that God has ordained for one to be accountable and be baptized. I was in a primary teacher’s training once when the teacher asked something about “Is 8 yrs old enough to be accountable and be baptized?” She asked it in such a way that really made us wonder. There was about a half and half split with people who thought 8 yrs old was old enough to be accountable, to others that did not. The teacher affirmed that if we as parents prepare our children properly then they will be ready to receive the Holy Ghost even at this young age. I just think of all the things I didn’t do or become because I wasn’t prepared. I was born into a generational cycle of acceptable Mormon addictions and the effects of them. Mine is a life time to change all that I can. My children? I have such hopes that they will be able to fly as I never could. I know it is their choice and their responsibility, but I have such great hopes and I am working to be the example I hope for them to follow.

D&C 93 looks like it has a lot of answers to what I was just wondering.

http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/93.31?lang=eng#30

I feel like this was written for me right now in my path. I just search ‘agency’ in the scriptures so that I could figure out how to better understand and avoid anger. I love the part about truth, and seeking learning; And being friends in Christ. I never knew that we had a record of John the Baptist’s record of Jesus’ baptism! I guess it is really appropriate for this day about baptism hum? It is amazing how the Spirit can lead learning. It is a true marvel to me and I love it.

Hilary Weeks “Closer” One more step closer to Him is one step, regardless weather or not that step is baptism. I could be wrong but I just figure all that will be worked out eventually and is not the main point. The point is to grow closer to Him, one day; one step at a time.

Hilary Weeks “Give ye to me”

12-29-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.159, Day 4

Alma 7:14 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/7?lang=eng

I love this phrase in v. 5: “my joy cometh over them after wading through much affliction and sorrow.”

I think I have finally come to accept the juxtaposition of the opposition of life. I am coming to a place of acceptance not only with opposition but within myself. I am learning to accept and love who I am. Words cannot begin to describe the difference I feel in my heart. It is making a huge difference in my home and role as a Mother. I am so thankful for repentance; that I can change and grow.

I love how Alma perceives through the Spirit the current state of the people’s hearts in this city so that he knows how to speak to their needs.

v.6 says “ye look forward for the remission of your sins, with an everlasting faith, which is to come.” I wonder if it was much different for them in their time in history before Christ was born in the development their faith in the way they had to ‘look forward’; if it was different than us who have to look back in time and believe that He was the Christ. I suppose it all boils down to faith either way.

I love the pattern in v.17 & v.18. Well maybe it’s not so much of a pattern as it is a manifestation of faith. Alma has a righteous desire for his brethren; “desire that ye were not in the state of ^adilemma like your brethren, even so I have found that my desires have been gratified.” It is beautiful to me when righteous desire have been fulfilled because it is the fruit of faith: seeking what do, praying for desire, finding the way through Christ… it is the ultimate joy that comes in seeking and doing the will of the Father. So beautiful !

So now to v.14: being born again. I love the comparison of physical birth to spiritual rebirth. I have been through full-term pregnancy and birth now 4 times. I love this comparison because there is so much truth is natural systems. I have observed through this process many times the similarities between the two. It is also much like that of a seed (also a natural system of growth). A seed is dormant (as in spiritually sleep) until it is awakened to the power of God and life begins to germinate. It remains hidden in darkness under the ground just as a baby is hidden in the womb. It is ironic to me that the moment life springs forth no one but God alone is aware of it. Maybe it is His special moment of bonding with that new life. The seed must grow hidden for a period of time until it gains enough strength and growth to break through the surface. It is also interesting to note that most seeds will not spout unless they are in the dark. When I sprout grains, like wheat, it grows best at nighttime when it’s dark and is most similar to the environment of what it is like under the real soil. I noticed in my own life in the beginning of learning some new truth that there is a timeline where we feel uncertain but hopeful. If we to share with others our new found truth before it is sufficiently strong, it’s vulnerability to be crushed is too great. I remember a period of learning through the Spirit when I thought it was true but I wasn’t sure. I had to continue to learn and apply what I was learning so that I could gain more and experiment enough to be able to see the wisdom of applied truth. After we see the fruit we are sure that it was a good seed, but while it is in those first tentative stages life is so fragile.

I wish being born again was something we talked more about at church. Then again, it seems to be one of those mysteries that remains locked until we see it with our own faith and live it. I just wish I could find more people to share the journey with to be able to identify the truth better… maybe that’s just my lack of faith and trusting God.

So let’s compare spiritual birth and physical birth. The heart or a baby is grown in a period of seclusion, growing in self mastery; going through many labor pains. The hormonal changes and wide mood swings, the changes in the body (getting bigger very slowly one day at a time till you can no longer tie your shoes or reach your feet to put on your pants)- and so it is that I have seen this process spiritually. I have had slow and steady growth, even in the stage of not knowing for certain if I was ‘pregnant’. I have grown in obedience and listened to the Spirit to ‘prove’ myself worthy of the ‘more’ that He had in store. I have felt my mission slowly grow inside of me until now it feels so big that I am going to explode unless I get it out of me and DO something with it. I must become useful to God and prosper His plan or my life is of no worth.

I am noticing as I write today that something is off. I say so only so that I can come back and read this later to try to figure out what it is. It seems I am mentally in more of an analyzing mode and not a discovery mode. I tend to explain too much analytically; where discovering is about the reader learning truths and asking questions to provoke thought.

It seems even though I think I have been through this process that there is still more for me to learn or apply because my tongue (or fingers in the case) are not getting to what I mean to say. It feels like I am relying more on the arm of the flesh and my will than on the Spirit. Perhaps it is a necessary progression in learning the fragile balance interdependence.

I bet Colleen will say it better when I get there.

12-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.A-55

Traditions of Our Parents:

Psalms 27:10 http://lds.org/scriptures/ot/ps/27?lang=eng

I was just thinking as I read verses 1-10 of David’s father. If I remember correctly, didn’t he try to kill David? Saul was jealous of the 10 thousands that David’s army had killed and he had not killed as much so he banished him to the desert for a while and then tried to have him killed? Talk about forsaken by your father. If anyone knows he does! I wonder how much love and nurturing he received as a child; if he felt rejected and unloved. Still being a prince, there must have been someone to tell him of his greatness and prepare him to be King.

Matt 19:29 http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/matt/19?lang=eng

Alma 30:25 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/30?lang=eng

These are the words of Korihor. He is so good at taking what he is doing and twisting it to be his enemy’s sin and not his own. I like v. 27. It reveals exactly his own intentions, not Alma’s. Pointing fingers come full circle.

Hel 16:20 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/hel/16?lang=eng

Again the words of unbelievers in Samuel the Lamenite’s time. I’m not following their line of reasoning in choosing these scriptures…

D&C123:7 http://lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/123?lang=eng

Pretty good description of the mother harlot who is the whore of all the earth and her effects on the children of men. I think this is deeply connected to Colleen’s idea of codependency and CS Lewis’s Inner Ring. Because codependency is the strongest in families, these evil traditions of trying to play this game are taught without words. It is also quite strong between families, possibly the second strongest, so that families like the Rothchild’s and Vanderbuilts have passed on these traditions for hundreds of years in their thirst for power. (Referring to the Establishment within our government, i.e. the modern day Gaddianton Robbers. See the movie “The End Zone” by Alex Jones)

Moses 6:54 http://lds.org/scriptures/pgp/moses/6?lang=eng

I’m confused. I thought that the sins of the children were answered upon the heads of their parents. I guess I must be thinking of before 8 yrs old. This is talking about Adam and Eve’s transgression (the parent) being upon the heads of the children. Oh! I get it. It’s the other way around. Meaning that we are not ‘living in sin’ because Adam ate of the fruit. This refutes the belief some other churches have where (something to the effect of) we are living in a fallen world and cannot be redeemed. But this says that Christ’s atonement atones for the sins of this original guilt- meaning all generations thereafter do not have to suffer because of his choice.

My Conclusions:
While I like the idea of a group of scriptures on this subject, this is not the scriptures I would have chosen. My beliefs about ‘The traditions of my fathers’ have come from the ones talking about the curse being on the children to the third and fourth generation. I once wrote an article I submitted to the Ensign on the Traditions of our Fathers. It didn’t get printed, but it helped me clarify some of my beliefs on the matter. I have felt it is my choice and challenge to break this generational cycle. I see it in my sisters too. We are each trying to improve and purify upon the traditions we were given so that we can give our children an improved heritage.

I think there is more here I’d like to explore later, possibly gathering my own list. It will probably come up on my Parenting course this year.