8-12-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 60, day 3

I had a funny thought while reading Mosiah ch 4. Now that I have come to believe Christ, and feel His atonement on me- having accepted my weaknesses and the mistakes I make, it seems to be a futile goal to continue to sort through the garbage and focus on all that I am not within myself. Focusing on the problem is the problem. I know it’s there. I want to change, but I cannot will it to change. Like yesterday – I recognized that I want to stop being so demanding with all the things I think have to be a certain way, and how quickly I get irritated… I know Teren is how she is (demanding) because I am demanding. Yet, I CANNOT WILL IT TO CHANGE. I want to change it, but I cannot see how. There is something that I need to let go of and focusing on all that I am not will not help me achieve it.

One thing not acknowledged here is the separation between the natural man and the spiritual man. When we contemplate how we view ourselves, if we have come to see our nothingness before God, for me has to be separated from who I am in the moment (my natural carnal self) to who I know I can become (my big huge wonderful spiritual self.)

Again, also it is not acknowledged the influences the evil spirits are having on us when we choose to believe these negative de-habilitating things about ourselves. Who I see my self as inside my head is changing as I am able to recognize that those evil spirits want me to believe that I am not powerful- when I really am, and that’s why they are trying to stop me. Not happening! Not today!!! The resistance here is all I can do.

Do I look honestly at myself? Yes, but I don’t want to focus on it to amplify it. I am willing to accept feedback anytime the Spirit or others choose to give it, but continually asking for it and feeling like I am doing something wrong by not getting it is focusing on the problem- all that I am not. I am open to it. When it comes I will be humble, but I will live out of my powerful self and focus on the solution- which IS who I want to become and all the good I can do: my vision of what I want life to be.

I totally acknowledge that ignoring the problem is not the answer. This is not what I mean. If there is something that needs to be dealt with, the wedge will fester and the infection grow until it is carved out and removed. But this cannot be the whole total focus of my day, or else I focus on the problem and make it grow. With my cross-hares set on what I want to create for my life, I need to repent of what I do in today that will not help that vision come about.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 60, day 2

This seems to be referring to the box of self-deception, as described by the Savoir in the Sermon on the Mount when he said to ‘agree with thine adversary quickly while thou art in the way with him, lest he get thee and deliver thee to the officer and the officer delivers you to prison- where you can pay no money and have no power to get yourself out.’ This is a pattern of all human psychological behavior. When we become angry our vision becomes distorted. We do not see things as they really are (truth) but through our own warped way of interpreting them. Our feelings of blame and hurt are a result of having denied the truth- or lying to ourselves or to God.

The thing that concerns me about this principle is that the evil enticings are not acknowledged. It is our choice to believe at any given moment, but those ‘voices’ DO come from an outside source. (See “My Dot People” by Kirk Duncan and 2 N 2:16) In that moment when we choose to believe a lie (not just speaking a lie) we are thrust down to hell, having denied the truth. It IS the adversary that whispers these lies in our ears. We choose to believe either because of doubt or fear. Hence why Christ said, ‘Doubt not.’

8-11-11

Memory on resentment? I just went through a cleansing process to let go of resentment toward my brother. I think I have now totally let it go, although I still have guilt from having expressed my negative feelings to him. He is hurt and offended and our relationship ruptured. I need to remember that I only have a 50% choice in any relationship. The harvest and fruits of the relationship can only be what effort and work that we both put into it. With my brother, I was holding onto a lot of resentment from our childhood. He teased me a lot. In combination with my low self-esteem it hurt a lot. I recently wrote him a letter to get it all out. I got feedback from my Power Training friend on my thought process to try to understand why my brother was offended. I was very accusatory, scolding, and made him feel rejected. He just wants to feel love and accepted just as I do. My friend helped me to see him as the little boy he was, instead of the father-figure I had been hoping he would be. I did need to write the letter to get it out of me, but now I think giving it to him was the wrong thing. I have guilt when I hurt people. I have learned in order to help them grow toward the Savoir, my job is to praise accept and validate them. I have also learned that it is very dangerous to give unsolicited feedback. I still don’t understand the process of how these things should be reconciled. I did have a healing experience in this respect with another friend. She wanted to heal the relationship too, maybe because of the love of another mutual friend. Anyway with my brother I’m pretty sure I was able to let it all go. He was a little boy, and I was expecting him to be a man. He was hurt and needing love just as I did. I was expecting him to give what he had not been given.

In the area of guilt: I have the most guilt when I hurt other people and then when they will not forgive me. This is an area of concern, but not an area within my control. It is not my choice. I need to give it to the Lord, after all that I can do.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 60, day 1

Step 4

Yesterday I went into my storage room to pull out some herbs. This is the most disorganized room in the house and I feel so much anxiety when I’m in there. When I am stressed out in the moment, I “table” stuff here to deal with it later, because I am not able to in that moment. I know it’s a bad habit and I am working on putting stuff away. I am better with other areas in my home, but this is my dreaded room. Yesterday when I went in, I wondered about the parallel process that seems to be happening in my body and in my spirit or my proverbial heart. I wondered if there is not one last room in the home of my heart that I am trying to disclose to avoid pain; a dead uncircumcised part of my heart. Through this 12 Step process I have been slowly opening up those rooms and facing the demons in my closets. Yesterday was a break-through of facing and dispelling the negative voices in my head with Kirk Duncan’s “Dot People” CD. I am fighting a good fight right now. I’m not sure if I’m ready to open up anymore rooms yet…

I’m sure there are still places in my faith that lack confidence. If I had no ‘fear anger resentment guilt or other negative feelings’ then I would have perfect faith and as the Brother of Jared could not be kept from within the veil. I agree that these could be the result of rooms where I was choosing ‘to harbor’ these feelings. I love this sentence:

“To ‘circumcise’ our hearts, we must be humble enough to reveal our innermost self.”

This has been my hearts’ desire all my life. I want to be free and live uninhibited of these feelings being free of fear and all the other negative feelings. I think that’s what it would look like to be emotionally free from bondage. Yes sometimes God is angry, but it not about Himself. He gets sad because of our actions, not because we ‘are not obeying’ Him as I tend to do with my children. For Him it is NOT about self-anything. It is all FOR us. I want to live with this kind of benevolence and self-mastery. I will keep pushing forward and in time I will win the prize. I love that picture of revealing our innermost self- being totally free.

Wow! I just found a scripture that confirms this!! (the thought about perfect faith and rending the veil of unbelief). 2 N 9:23 “having perfect faith in the Holy One of Israel, or they cannot be saved in the kingdom of God”. So we CAN have perfect faith! And we must in order to be saved and victoriously accomplish our mission here on this earth. Even though we must trust our ‘perfection’ as in our complete and whole self to Christ while in this life, we CAN have perfect faith! (I am hearing a victory tune- dan-ta-da-da!)

Hum… “one memory in each of these areas – fear, resentment, and guilt – that has not been totally cleansed from your heart.”

Well, fear is easy. I have been realizing I have a lot of fear in what other people think of me. It completely effects the way I interact with people, the way I see myself, and the power of influence I do or don’t have in my life. I have been hearing the whisperings of the Spirit to “fear not what man can do” and to “love God above all else”. I have been taking big steps to overcome these fears by sharing my feelings with others. I have offended some people. Now that I have some courage to open up my heart, I see that those unpleasant feelings need an outlet only to God and Him alone. I have offended them because they fear being rejected by others just as I do. I have hurt them because they want to be loved and accepted just as I do. These feelings make them feel my disapproval and rejection which drives them away from unity and into loneliness; away from the Savoir, if they do not choose to take their negative feelings to the feet of the Savoir. This process has increased my commitment to praise, validate, and accept and has brightened my determination. At the same time Elder Oaks gave a talk called Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=570

He said that there is a balance between love and acceptance and standing for truth. I am trying to learn that balance now. So fear—yes it’s there. But focusing on it will only make it grow. I must focus on the antidote solution in order to overcome the fear. And I know that antidote is the affirmations I learned yesterday with Kirk. These will change my heart of fear and disbelief (about myself) to a state of being believing and tender.

Side note:
Council with the Lord in ALL thy doings… do I ask Him what goals He wants me to achieve? Do I ask Him what needs to be done for today? This idea is permeating deeper and deeper saturating all areas of my life. I did not ask today, and I did not feel joy of doing what was most important. There was something else the Lord wanted me to do, and I did not deviate from my ‘planned schedule’ in order to do it. I listened to the song “Give ye to me” by Hilary Weeks and I saw in my mind a beautiful shining bulls-eye representing the way my life is when I live and obey the Spirit. There is one way in following the Spirit. Today I was off a few degrees. I did what I thought I needed to do, but there was something more important that I should have been doing. I want to live in this one right place and not outside it in disobedience. I want to do what He wants me to do. I need to submit my will more to His.

8-9-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 58

“in the circles just outside that bull’s eye, those circles marked “church, home, family, spouse”

I am intrigued by this image of the bull’s eye. The Spirit has revealed it to me over and over again in relation to priorities and also with relationships. In her writing style here, it seems to me that she makes an assumption that others know this: that they already know what she’s talking about. It would have been my tendency to explain what I had learned, but she does not. As I read this, the thought popped into my head about Garden School lessons. Perhaps I am complicating this much more than necessary. Maybe the lessons themselves do not need to be anything great and wonderful. It is my goal to facilitate learning in natural systems through the Spirit. My mind caught hold on this thought and I have been hardly able to think of anything else: “The Spirit will reveal the same truths and images to their mind and heart, just as He has to yours.” So there aren’t “lessons” at all that I need to create, only the environment. I know there is a space between freedom to learn and structure that inspires thinking and connections. How do I create this space? There must be some structure else the mind wanders and has no thought to focus on. Perhaps the journal questions are the lessons, and then to facilitate the learn and share discussions on those to see what comes about. Oh this is beautiful ambiguity! It does allow the Spirit to be in control and for us to learn through faith. If they seek not it will fail, they will see no value here, and they will not learn. It puts complete responsibility for the learning process on their shoulders where it should be. Perhaps that’s the assumption I need to make, that they will, and they are seeking- just go on it like it’s a forgone conclusion. They will. They want to learn. The Spirit is urging them to know the truth. They know it’s their way out of their prison. This is not a blind assumption. This is a choice. There may be exceptions, but as I speak to the group with this assumption, others will rise to the occasion if nothing more than to be like the others. That ‘need to be included’ will override any fears or hesitations.

Maybe this is what it means to love your neighbor as yourself- to make the assumption that they want the same things that I want based on the same basic four needs of every human heart. Maybe we are not as different as the adversary would have us believe… Maybe this is how to create my own world with my own rules like the guy on “Life is beautiful”. Hum, very ponderous…

I suppose that if they do not seek and they will gain nothing from the Garden School, then I could recommend to them the 12 step class, as it will circumcise their heart and humble them to the dust to bring them to a place where they will be able to gain as they seek.

p. 62 Looking ahead to the next chapter: Step Four seems to be a repeat of step 1. That’s funny because just the other day I was thinking I need to go back and review the steps. How quick I am to forget my own nothingness…

8-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 59

I have recently come to a place in my mind and my heart where I have learned that ALL I can do is to do my best today, and “continually repent”. I have learned to accept my shortcomings and submit myself to the discipleship of Christ and the tutelage of the Spirit. I do trust him. I know His power to save me is greater that my lack. I am learning now to trust Him above all others, and fear only God; not what man can do. Yet still there is something in my deep subconscious that is afraid that all my sins of the past of treating others badly will come back to haunt me.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 59 (end of 2^nd paragraph)

“I have received His assurance that there is nothing I have ever “stolen” from anyone, or failed to give anyone, for which He will not compensate. He will restore their loss tenfold as soon as they are ready to look to Him for recompense (recovery).”

I have worried in the past if there is not some past mistake or sin in the way I have hurt other people that I may need to go back and repent of. This worry is not going to help me make it better. Moving toward the Savoir and being healed will. All I can say is that I didn’t know any better. I received traditions and paradigms from my ‘”fathers” through no fault of my own that gave me the parameters of my past life. There are things that others also believe and do through no fault of their own.

I was a different person then. I did not know the love of God in my life and my heart did not know His healing power. I hurt others because I had been hurt by others. I perpetuated the evil traditions of the fathers because I knew not God. (Even though I was a temple attending person, I was not ready to receive then what I can now.) A person can only grow one day at a time; line upon line, a little bit at a time. I have seen the plants in my garden grow slowly this way. This is the only way for strength to be stabilized so that life can continue. The roots and the top must be balanced or else the plant will fall over and die. All I can do is live in today and continually repent of my actions today. I committed to the Lord yesterday that I will go to Him every night to ask for feedback and learn how I need to repent and change today. I can also ask during the day when I have a challenging moment to learn what I need to learn or change in order to overcome the challenge. ALL I can do is all I can do. Then I can stand still and trust the Lord after all I can do.

With this my guilt is being swept away, and my armor becoming stronger.

8-7-11 Sunday

START ASKING AM questions EVERY DAY:

Why? “Come unto me. Learn of me, and listen to my words…”
How does this help me focus on the Savior?
How does this help me get to know my Savoir? What characteristics does it describe?

Elder Wirthlin, “Guided by His example” said

“Perfection is worth striving for even if it is ultimately unattainable in this life.” This confirms what I was feeling the other day when I said something about striving to become perfect as a mortal can be, even if I cannot achieve it in this life.

What do I need to DO today to BE more like the Savoir? Internalize and ask. Record your answer.

Relax and let it happen naturally. Listen to the Spirit and learn as you live.

8-5-11 “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” (Bottom of p.46)

You may not understand this, but I have to try to share it with you anyway. I have no words to describe the change of events that occurred in my mind and heart yesterday. Last night as I went to sleep I imagined burying my old dead self. It is dead and gone. I literally saw my skin from the outside of my body piled in a wrinkled heap on the ground.

Elements of thought in the balance:

I have been working on creating my house of order for over two years now. It has been my focus of time and energy. This week I climbed the proverbial mountain of abundance and realized that all I want in my house is everything I need, and nothing I don’t. I learned a couple months ago that having anything more than what I need is a burden. When I give my excess and burden away it becomes someone else’s blessing. I love the line on the movie little women when after the old aunt has died they are looking at her house and the inheritance she left to Jo. The wise Mother says, “The house became a burden because she didn’t share it.” Shortly after this, Jo gains her vision to turn it into a school and share it with open arms.

So this week something in me clicked. The amazing part is that Josh feels it too; we are shoulder to shoulder and eye to eye in realizing all the ‘stuff/junk’ we have that we don’t need and we don’t use. We just store it, and it’s a heavy burden. This week we have been getting rid of stuff in preparation for a community “Free Bay” event. I feel motivated big time to give all my extra stuff. I have had an image in my mind of loosing or sluffing off dead skin. It’s really more like coming out of a shell from metamorphosis. This is the physical evidence of an inner change.

Another element: Yesterday morning I was heavy into self analysis. I had been asking my friend from Power Training for feedback on my family. Her words sunk deep into my heart and I was praying, like the Nephites, to be able to understand all her words for I felt there was much that I could not. I feel I have finally come to a place where I can accept me for me right where I am because I can only do is all I can do in this moment, and that is enough. Through my friend at Power Training I learned to accept others right where they are too, though I still have so far to go. At least it’s a beginning… I came to see my brother as the little boy he was when we were kids, not the father-figure I had been hoping him to be. I let it go. It’s done and gone.

With my friend from Power Training she said I had been trying too hard with my family, and to just accept love and praise them and let relationships develop naturally. Well, with my background of lacking of examples in how to develop relationships, there was nothing natural about it. So I was trying my hardest and it was too much: it was beyond the mark. All of my life I have been focused on the problem. That part of me is now dead. I will focus on my vision, which is the antidote solution to the problem!

Another element: I have been working on for the past year or more getting my body free and clean of toxins. I have been slowly increasing and learning how to eat healthy. I have continually been pushing upstream to exercise my body since Spencer was 6 months old. I have learned much of discipline and learning to focus my balance around my center, Jesus Christ. The past few weeks I have been starting Dr Christopher’s extended herbal cleanse. Yesterday I felt my body releasing some old junk. I feel my body getting cleaned from the inside out.

Another thing swirling around in my head, possibly the catalyst of all this, is Leslie Householder’s “Jackrabbit Factor” ideas of faith to bring the miracles and the Vision Board stuff from Kirk Duncan. This is right for me because the Lord led me to it now at this time in my life. I am ready to finally understand this because of all the days of preparation before today. Last night I watched Leslie’s “Stick People” presentation. I truly feel like I have broken through a barrier!!!

Last night I wept to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to become changed. My heart is now still overflowing (and my eyes too) with gratitude for the new me: partly by will and partly by grace. It is faith; it is the harvest.

Then this morning as I am reading in “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” (Bottom of p.46) I read this:

“Christ says, “Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down… Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked – the whole outfit. I will give you a Myself: my own will shall become yours,” (Elder Robert L Backman, quoting C S Lewis, Ensign, Nov 1991, p.10)

From this day on I promise myself and God that I will focus on the solution, I will put in my mind on my mental movie screen the image of what I want to create for my life and work toward it through faith. I will no longer focus on the problems and everything that is wrong with me. I will no longer succumb to the temptations of Satan to believe that others don’t love me or that I have little value. THROUGH THIS FAITH I WILL BIND AND CAST OUT THE POWERS OF EVIL IN MY LIFE FOREVER! NEVERMORE WILL I ALLOW HIM TO PULL ME DOWN. I WILL PUT MY TRUST IN JESUS CHRIST FOREVER.

Step 3 transformation complete: DONE! And still working on it =)

Kirk Duncan: Attitude check: from the Dot People CD set

Am I ACTING like “do you want me” in a needy way repels- takes life

Or “This is what I can do for you.” Confidence leads & guides- gives life

“I love my life. I have worked hard to create the space around me that I love.”

8-4-11 “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” p.44, Day 7

Alma 5:13 What does true and living God mean to me? Where am I putting my trust? Where do I turn for comfort and strength? Sometimes anger. Sometimes prayer. I need to pray more.

http://1828.mshaffer.com/d/search/word,true

TRUE, a.

2. Genuine; pure; real; not counterfeit, adulterated or false; as true balsam; the true bark; true love of country; a true christian.

--The true light which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. John 1.

3. Faithful; steady in adhering to friends, to promises, to a prince or to the state; loyal; not false, fickle or perfidious; as a true friend; a true lover; a man true to his king, true to his country, true to his word; a husband true to his wife; a wife true to her husband; a servant true to his master; an officer true to his charge.

4. Free from falsehood; as a true witness.

5. Honest; not fraudulent; as good men and true.

If king Edward be as true and just--

6. Exact; right to precision; conformable to a rule or pattern; as a true copy; a true likeness of the original.

7. Straight; right; as a true line; the true course of a ship.

8. Not false or pretended; real; as, Christ was the true Messiah.

God is faithful and true. He is loyal and will keep all his promises. He gives genuine love and acceptance. His balm is true and the only true bark that can heal my malady. He is a true friend. I hope to be a true servant. True, straight, perfect character; a true pattern made exact with precision. When I think about the process God when through to become God I see and have gained a witness that it is the same process I am going through.

living

LIV'ING, ppr. [from live.]

1. Dwelling; residing; existing; subsisting; having life or the vital functions in operation; not dead.

2. a. Issuing continually from the earth; running; flowing; as a living spring or fountain; opposed to stagnant.

3. a. Producing action, animation and vigor; quickening; as a living principle; a living faith.

These were not the definitions I thought I’d find. My understanding of what I thought these words meant were different than what they really meant. I wonder if the bible dictionary would pull up something different. But I’m out of time for today! To be continued till tomorrow.

8-4-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 44, Day 7

Alma 5

I read the words ‘mighty change of heart’ and in my mind I checked this off my list because I’ve done that… What a minute! (I thought to myself) Is this something that can be checked off a list? Why am I feeling like I’ve veered two degree’s off course? (Pres Uchtdorf story about a plane crashing into a volcano because they were two degrees off course.)

v. 4 They were in bondage and “they were delivered out … by the mercy and power of God.” Mercy is given when we do not deserve it. Am I recognizing this mercy? Do I feel like I deserve or have earned by my own merit the deliverance I have received thus far? Am I recognizing God’s hand in all things? Or am I letting Him once again give anonymous service?

v. 6 “Have you sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers? Yea, and have you sufficiently retain in remembrance his mercy and long suffering towards them? And moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has delivered their souls from hell?”

I am enjoying some amount of peace as I set my life and my house in order. My children sleep well. After 4 long years, I am getting a full night’s sleep. My house is clean. I am finding the discipline and focus to get done what I intend to do. It could be very easy to get comfortable in this place. Comfort to me is death.

I’m curious what audience Alma is talking to. Here he is talking to them like they have had a mighty change of heart, and later he says that they are murders. This seems to be a people who is both (maybe a wide spectrum in the audience) apathetic and cold, but who had once been in a very tender place of mercy who knew intimately of the mercy and love of the Savoir. Am I becoming apathetic? Is this my two degrees?

v.7 “He changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God.”

It seems the lesson here for me is one of remembrance and gratitude. If I remember to be grateful for having been delivered out of bondage, then I recognize it was by God’s merciful hand, and that puts me in a place of debt, and one of gratitude. I need to get back to the temple. Last Sunday’s lesson said we can veer two degrees and not know it when we don’t get to the temple often enough. It’s only been a month, but it seems like three.

8-3-11 PM thoughts

What do I need to do to Focus on the Savoir better?

When we study a picture to focus on it, we get very close, become very quite, intensely observe and wonder. Questions start coming to mind which makes us observe more closely. We become one with our object of study. Do this with my Jesus.

START ASKING AM questions EVERY DAY:

Why? “Come unto me. Learn of me, and listen to my words…”
How does this help me focus on the Savior?
How does this help me get to know my Savoir? What characteristics does it describe?

What do I need to DO today to BE more like the Savoir? Internalize and ask. Record your answer.

8-3-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 44, Day 6

Patience in suffering

Mosiah 24:14

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, go visit my people in their afflictions.”

I think the Lord has done much to ease my burdens by studying this book, not to mention it is helping me with my mission to see how I can create a learning journal for others. I think having patience for myself and accepting my best- whatever ‘widow’s mite’ it is, is beginning to help me let go of the need to become angry. The other day when the kids were fighting I felt released from the obligation to ‘make them stop’ fighting. I know they fight and yell because that is how I have shown them how to solve their problems. I am changing from the inside out. As I continue to try my best each day, one more marble of good goes into the hose. Deliverance is on the way, it is an eventuality if I continue to change, they will change. Then I will not “[need to]” suffer that my children fight and quarrel.

I guess I should explain the hose thing. In my process of learning in the garden, and learning about delayed gratification, the Lord planted an idea in my mind of an analogy. Change is like a garden hose and marbles: As you sew, so shall ye reap; Work now, reward later. This process helps us learn faith and patience to be able to bring about the promises the Lord has promised us. If I have a garden hose that is full of all black marbles and I want it full of white marbles, the only thing I can do is put one marble in the hose at a time. We are creatures who learn slowly. Plants only grow one day at a time. Why should we expect more of ourselves? Everyday I read my scriptures I am effecting change from the inside out: the slow way. I seek to change my heart, and change myself. My actions through out the day are a result of who I ‘am’ in today. It is as if every day when I keep my promise to study my scriptures that I am putting a marble into the hose, one each day. Depending on how long the hose it, then it will take that much work before I see the results come out of the other end. There is a period of faith that a seed must germinate under the soil unseen and in the dark before it can emerge from the ground. Both conditions are necessary in order to create the environment for the seed to grow. We must plant with hope, work with patience, and then we will see the fruits of our labors. By imagining this hose in my process of change, it helps me to have faith in the eventuality (not just a possibility) of the harvest. If I do what the Lord asks, His blessings will be mine eventually, not maybe.

So that takes me back to Leslie’s Jackrabbit factor. This is where we are grateful in today and trust the process, imagining that those blessing are already ours.

Epiphany from “When you least expect it” song by Hilary Weeks:

We all have cycles of up and down times. If we join together in synergy, then we can lift each other up in those moments of doubt; and the work collectively will never have to be hindered by a momentary doubt individually because synergistically we our strengths will cover our weaknesses. We will constantly progress toward the promises of the Lord: which are a sure eventuality if we are faithful. Together we will be stronger.

8-2-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 44, Day 5 on Mosiah Ch. 7

Mosiah 7:15 “We are in bondage to the Lamenites… and now, behold, our brethren will deliver us out of bondage…”

I think too often in the victim-mentality we want others to rescue us, not realizing the power to rescue lies with One only. We think someone else can snap their fingers and with ease deliver us. But there is a price that must be paid; a lesson to be learned so that we don’t return “as a dog to his vomit.” What got us into bondage? Why are we still here? What must I do to get out? What price must I pay? And where will the Mighty arm of Grace rescue me after all I can do?

v. 18 “Oh ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be is subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain…”

He had great faith is his rescuers, and great hope despite the long time they have struggled in bondage.

“yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.”

He knows of the price that must be paid. Last night I was reading in “Jackrabbit email tidbits” and Leslie Householder was talking about changing from the inside out: that after we change on the inside, the outer circumstances are an eventuality. Changing my heart from the inside out is the price I must pay. I want my transformation to be complete, and not just temporary. I know that real change will bring real lasting peace, and not a temporary peace. (Reagan quote about peace.)

v. 19 “Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God…”

Last night Leslie (Jackrabbit author) said that changing from the inside starts with putting ourselves in a state of gratitude, even though the outside circumstances have not yet changed. It seems that this is what Limhi is asking his people to do. This is where faith germinates and breaks forth into life.

v. 20 God is good and has done many things to preserve His people “and behold, it is because of our iniquities and abominations that he ahs brought us into bondage.”

I love how he is not making any excuses, but taking full responsibility. Same thing in v. 25

“for if this people had not fallen into transgression the Lord would not have suffered that this great evil should come upon them.”

v. 32 “And now, behold, the promise of the Lord is fulfilled, and ye are smitten and afflicted.

33 “But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.”

Thoughts on “He did deliver me from bondage” p.44 day 5

Yes, I see this process. I trust the process. I know it can not happen all at once. I know that the faster change happens the faster the rebound. Slow change is permanent change though the Lord. I saw this in my garden while growing green beans that young tender plants are easily moved and changed. The tomatoes are probably a better example. Young plants can be trained. Old plants break much easier with the stress of change. But I read that if you stick an old t-shirt under the part you want to move to create slow change, that even an old limb can be safely moved without damage.

My studies in the garden also brought me to see the Law of the Harvest, and that God’s judgments are just. We reap according to that which we sow. God created for us this environment here on earth to learn through life’s experiences, both good and bad. It is all a part of God’s plan. We are on course. Just because we experience pain does not mean everything is not in alignment. Pain brings motivation to change; it is a great teacher to create permanent change. It’s all part of the process. I know He loves me and is leading me to that permanent change to deliver me out of bondage, where the temptations of Satan can no longer sway me.

Overcoming the power of the adversary to bind Him with our righteousness is no small task. This is how Zion will be brought about. It can only happen one day at a time, through slow real change.

7-31-11 “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” p. 43, day 4

Mosiah 3:19

I picture the child in this scripture about Allie’s age. She is now 6 and has a mild temperament. There are occasions when she gets stubborn, but it is easily overcome as I tell her “Don’t smile!” If I remember to bring in laughter, then her heart is softened. It’s when I am ornery that is making her ornery that it becomes a problem and then we feed each other’s stubbornness.

I was thinking about this scripture the other day. When it says “even as a child doth submit to his father”, I think it may be referring how children submit to their Heavenly Father. As times it seams that Heavenly Father is in complete control of the attitudes of my children. They are happy when I am happy and they are defiant when my patience and long-suffering need to be tested.

“Write about how young a child you are willing to become to your Heavenly Father and just how far you are willing to submit in all things that He might see fit to “inflict” upon you.”

I think my current spiritual age in this respect is probably somewhere around 14. (Remembering the goal is to grow from an ‘old grumpy man’ to a submissive child, then getting spiritually younger as we go.) I have grown out of my 16-18 stage of thinking I know everything. I know there is so much I don’t know and so much I lack. I have learned to trust that God knows best, that He sees all- especially when I cannot, and that He is ‘making me complete’. I trust this process. I know who I am because God told me. I know what He wants for me, and I know where He is leading me; I trust that. There is no pain, emotionally or physically, that I would be unwilling to suffer if it was His will. My intent and willingness to suffer is not generally where I lack, (at least I don’t think it is. I am constantly checking myself on my motives and intentions.) Where I do lack is in the limited perspective of “the moment” of pain, which is where I tend to get angry.

I know God is good. I know I am His child. I know He wants me to be happy and all that He has created in me and around me is leading me to reach my full potential: my weaknesses will in time be turned to strengths- as I continue to submit to Him in all things.

7-23-11 “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” p. 43, Day 3

Jacob Ch. 4: I was surprised when I read this chapter that he said “beloved brethren” or “beloved” or “brethren” so many times. He feels a very deep love for those he is speaking to.

“Write in the form of a question something that has been troubling you, addressing it to the Lord. Then listen and record the answer you receive.”

Wow, isn’t this ironic. Here I am struggling to learn how the Lord would have me build trusting relationships, then I have an opportunity to see my actions through others eyes because of some feedback from a couple of different people.

Hum, let’s see, how do I form my concerns in a question to the Lord? This feels a little weird putting my prayers in my journal…

Lord, I am concerned that my actions which I intend to be sharing and building experiences will be misinterpreted and cause offense. How do I work though these barriers and create trust and understanding?

Share your concerns. Share your motives. You can tell others that they don’t need to filter their feelings or thoughts with you, and invite them to be open with their feelings. Promise them you will not be offended. Share how you try to see their words through their context of understanding to see how they see the world. Review Ballard’s talks on building relationships. Ask again later and continue to learn line upon line.

Wow. That was pretty incredible. This is like building a ship one step at a time…

Guess I know what I’m going to study tomorrow.

7-22-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.43, Day 2

We’ve been having a lot more spills lately. Heavenly Father knows that this is a weak point for me and it sends me flying. I truly believe God is in control over the daily circumstances of my home, even down to the children’s reactions or behaviors. I’ve been learning to have more patience with my own mistakes because I’ve been the one spilling the stuff! Unpleasantly ironic. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

2 N 10:24 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.”

conform, v.t. [L., to form, or shape, form.]

1. To make like, in external appearance; to reduce to a like shape, or form, with something else; with to; as, to conform any thing to a model.

I remember a couple of years ago I was studying with my Ward Family in a class held on weekdays to study the Ensign talks together. I can’t really explain how it happened, but I remember gaining a witness of bending my will to the will of God. We were talking about prophets and becoming self-reliant. Whatever happened I gained a witness that following (doing in deed what He asks) the Prophet is like holding onto the iron rod with one hand, and aligning our lives to scripture is like holding onto the rod with the other hand. I went through an evaluation process with a handout I got that night and marked each section with one of the following:

Doing OK
Need to work on
Will have to wait for later

I made a written checklist of the things I needed to change in order to conform my life to the council of the Prophet. It was sobering to realize where I was, and the specifics of what I needed to DO in order to adapt myself to the word of the Lord. I already had the desire. I was just self-deceived thinking that I was doing what the Prophet asked, when it was only a desire or intention.

Since that time I have gone to work on conforming my life to the will of God. I know there are many blindnesses that I cannot yet change because I cannot see my own pride in greater degree than I have the power to change myself in today. The part that I can do is I pray every morning that in my studies (in my living and my learning throughout the day) that the Lord will help me align my thoughts and actions to truth. It’s like pulling weeds. I have so many weeds I could not pull them all in one day. But when I am able, I work on it for a little while. Recognizing weeds in our thoughts is like a psychological process of weeding out the lies in our mind. I believe that we become unhappy because we have succumbed to believe a lie Satan planted in our mind. Believing these lies causes depression, suicide, and many other abnormal human patterns of sadness and destruction.

One of my many weeds that I recognized only a couple of years ago was that I believed as a child that I was made from inferior raw material; that somehow I was inherently flawed and it was not possible for me to be as smart as everyone else. I went to ‘resource’ (got pulled out of class with the regular kids to go learn in a smaller group with the dumb ones) and was teased much as school and home. I came to believe the mean things people teased me about and blocked out the good things they said. About 4 years ago there was a crack in that block because the Lord led me to go to Power Training. www.powerwithinus.com Those three days changed my life, and opened a door of belief for me. It broke down the hard shell I had built around myself and helped me see so many indescribable things. So “Now” (Hilary Weeks) I see- at least in greater degree than I could then. Now that I have a believing heart (at least more than I did then) I now have learned the truth about how God sees me. I learned for myself 1^st hand from Him how He feels about me and what He wants for me, and that was the beginning of my being able to trust Him.

It is a slow process that requires humility (a willingness to adapt our thoughts and actions to the word and the will of God), a willing heart and mind, and then the grit and conviction to conquer or die- yet the commitment to victory must be that great. Conviction and determination grow as we do our best in today, then tomorrow we will have more. Our will to obey grows as we obey.

2 N 10:24 “… remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.”

I guess the “law of more” is where grace comes in- that as we do all we can do, then he blesses us with a greater power to do. I don’t see this as a submissive grace, like the grace of repentance that washes you clean. This is more like a working grace that we have to earn after we get off our knees. It takes grit and determination- however much you have today, more will come tomorrow if you do all you can do. Then we receive the washing-over-us-grace that increases our determination and conviction. [When I say we, I mean this is what I have seen happen in my own life and I know the law applies equally to anyone else as it does to me. Therefore it becomes a “we”.]

It is God that makes us good through this willingness to conform, after all we can do.