My 12 Step Journal: September 2011

9-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

In answer to her question, of course it’s right and necessary to ask God to change our hearts. There is no other way we can be truly changed.

Mosiah 5, verse 2:

which has wrought a mighty ^achange in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do ^bevil, but to do good continually.

I am starting to see that it is really not a matter of how good we are, but how much good we DO. If we have been changed, deeply and truly, then we will bring forth fruits; actions just not intent. This to me means living my mission and doing those things that will be hard for me to do, but that He has shown me are possible. Because of this book, and the power of God, I do feel like my heart has “wrought a mighty change and I have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” But the thing that is stopping me from moving forward isn’t my disposition or intent to do them, it’s the negative voices in my head that tell me I’m not doing enough or not good enough. They try to get me down and trying to keep me from breaking free. Yes, I am free from my pit. But now it’s time to truly show I’m free and spread my wings to fly.

The thing that is most curious to me is that Mosiah is teaching us how to live an abundant life: to always rejoice and retain a remission of our sins. This means that these cycles are not required; I do not have to suffer under them as a victim but I can rise above them. Through this power I can always rejoice. There is definitely something more here I need to learn how to do. These are the things he says to always remember in order to achieve this state of mind:

Mosiah 4:11

The Greatness of God
Your own nothingness
His goodness and long-suffering toward me, an unworthy creature
Humble yourselves even to the depths of humility praying daily
Standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come

If we do these things, then the promise is:

12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the ^alove of God, and always ^bretain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the ^cknowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

Alma Ch. 5: 6

Sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers
God’s mercy and long-suffering towards them
That He hath delivered them from hell

I want to get out from under these cycles and move forward to my vision. I don’t know how much of that desire is realistic. Part of me says that it’s a part of life to accept. Another part of me hopes in this scripture that someday this may not always be the case.

9-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

Mosiah 4

The way I pray without sincerity for forgiveness seems to go in cycles. Right now I am seeing it in family prayers with children. It used to be my goal to cry every day during morning scripture study, to try to cultivate a soft and tender heart. I think I have forgotten that. I have been doing a lot better since I read Mel Fish’s book, “Unconditional Love”. That really sunk in.

Am I showing the children how to pray sincerely for forgiveness?

After yesterday morning’s study I was thinking about sincere forgiveness throughout the day. I realized I need to do better at showing the children how to ask for forgiveness more sincerely. Then after I got angry in the morning at one of my girls, I had the perfect opportunity. She was so sweet, and quick to forgive. I was completely sincere and even cried a little as I told her that I was sorry. It was a sweet moment, and asking for her forgiveness disarmed her ornery attitude.

It feels like I am just holding on until I can get to General Conference next week. I need it so badly.

"He did deliver me from bondage" p.93, day 1

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 1

1 N 14:1

1 And it shall come to pass, that if the ^aGentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in ^bpower, in very deed, unto the ^ctaking away of their ^dstumbling blocks—

What strikes me about this is the taking away of stumbling blocks. I feel like I have been working my way through a swamp lately, or trying to move forward in a car with square wheels. Getting my mission in motion is SO hard! I am having to break through many comfort zones. I have hope that once things are in motion the resistance will decrease, but at the same time I know the resistance will always be matched to my strength just as a weight lifter needs to increase his resistance to get stronger.

No answers today, only questions…

As I was working in the kitchen this morning, the word “Arizona” triggered a guilty memory. I used to have a friend who was very good to me. For the 10 years of our friendship she accepted me and loved me when I felt like no one else did. One of the ways she used to show me that she loved me was in giving gifts. She gave me things all the time- birthdays Christmas and sometimes just because. But gift giving is a very difficult thing for me I still have not worked through even to this day. I was not raised with giving gifts (for birthdays or otherwise) because we were so poor. Come to think of it- my best friend growing up also did the same thing. In each case it seems that they gave and gave and gave without reciprocation until they had nothing left to give – then they walked away. They might say it was other reasons. I know it wasn’t really about the gifts per say, but about the reciprocation of love. I was empty and did not know how to give. I was broken and could not give love I had not received or believed was real from God.

I am truly a different person today. I may still have some of the same weaknesses, but at least I am learning to let go of some of my selfishness to be able to reciprocate the love that others give me. I am seeing some results that others feel loved, and it is making all the difference.

So to these two amazing women, somewhere out there, please know that I am sincerely sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you as you loved me. I’m sorry that I lived out of my victim-ness and reactive paradigms. Please forgive me. I love you. The past doesn’t matter except what we can learn from it. I love you.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

Alma 38 Verse 5 strikes me this morning:

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your ^atrust in God even so much ye shall be ^bdelivered out of your trials, and your ^ctroubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Something in my learning path is helping me see right now how to focus on the solution to be able to see that no amount of ‘beating myself up’ about all the things that I lack will do any good. (I define good as those things we do that bring us closer to Christ.) This is the scripture that I need to trust right now.

How do we put our trust in God? The inventory worked so completely that I still have no more guilt of my past. I could be wrong and being prideful, but I feel I have received a remission of my sins.

Last night right before bed as I was praying I got up to write down an idea that came to me. I wrote:

I am curious of the phenomenon regarding the degree to which we love those in the 3 different circles of influence: Spouse, children, and others. You’ve probably heard the saying (or noticed in your own life) that it’s hardest to show love and be patient to those ‘we love the most’, or that we’re closest to. Most of the time, it’s easy to be nice to our neighbors; harder to be nice to our kids; and hardest to be nice to our spouse.

Why is it I seem to feel a greater desire to serve those outside my home than in? Am I being like Naham again and trying to do ‘some great thing’? Is this out of alignment? Where is the balance between being an example of service and serving my kids? There seems to be something I am missing.

If in my life I am striving to be mission focused, how much of that focus should be on doing ‘good being anxiously engaged in a good cause’ in moving forward with my mission verses how much focus needs to be on improving the relationships in my home. I think I need to reassess. I’m not beating myself up, I just think I need to work on home a little more intently, -for no other success will compensate for failure in the home.

I am trapped between the desire to want to SHOW my children how to live their missions and move past my comfort zones, and the need to love them and bring them with me. I don’t feel like I’m explaining this very well. Maybe I shouldn’t explain at all… If you get it you get it.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 92

I like this last idea on p. 92. In my previous studies of the tree of life I came to the same realization that “taste” is acquired over time. I think this has much to do with our willingness to set aside our carnal desires. Then after a while we come to realize that the fruit (the love of God) is the most sweet thing in our lives. But I completely agree that it does take time to be able to recognize this. Truly the world cannot even hold a candle to the brightness of the Son.

9-22-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 88

I was at a seminar last month that told a story, then I read the same story in a book last week called “Unconditional Love”. It was a story that illustrates this point about agency and accepting those things we cannot change (because we chose them in the life before this one).

The story went something like this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a young man who was struggling with bitterness and anger because of his current life conditions. You see, he was trapped inside a deformed little body. He felt it was not who he was, and he felt he was capable of so much but lacked the ability to do them. During his struggle he was praying to understand, then one night he had a dream. In his dream he sat in his wheelchair beside an angel who directed his attention toward two men talking at the far end of his view. The angel said, “You see those two men over there? Go listen carefully to their conversation. The very brightest One is your Heavenly Father. The other one is you.” As he approached the two figures, he began to hear their conversation. He heard the brightest one speak first, “So you think you’re ready to go down?”

“I hope so,” replied the man. “We’ve talked about all the challenges I’ll face and the family I’ll go to. Do you think I’m ready?”

“Well there is one more thing we may need to discuss.”

“What’s that?”

“What is it that you want most to learn in your lifetime?” Asked his Heavenly Father.

“I’m so excited,” answered the man. “I want to learn how to serve and help others. I especially want to learn how to live my mission and make a contribution to the world.”

“Um, hummm.” Nodded his Father.

“Is there anything else you think I need to learn?” questioned the man.

“Well, yes. There is one thing. What is it you want the very most?”

The man looked down and thought carefully for a minute. Then he answered looking into his Heavenly Father’s eyes, “What I really want is to become like you. I thing I want the most to be like you.”

“That is good,” his Father answered. “I am concerned that your pride will get in the way of that.”

“Isn’t there something we can do?” asked the man with a concerned look on his face.

“Yes there is, but it won’t be easy.”
”What? I’ll do anything! What can I do?”

His Father paused for a moment then answered, “If we give you a deformed tiny little body, you will be able to overcome your pride.”

“Wow.” The man said as he sat down with a heavy sigh. “That is hard.” Thinking for a moment he asked, “but it would help me to become like you, right?”

“Yes, it would.”

“And I could still do all those other things to be able to make my contribution?”
”Yes you could.”

“Then I’ll do it.” He said resolutely. “I’ll take the body! I want to become like you Father. I love you!”

His Father proudly pulled his son in for a big bear hug. They held tightly for a long time. Then Heavenly Father answered. “Now I think you’re ready. I am so proud of you. I love you.”

Tears were mingled and their hearts united. The man now felt he was ready too.

As the young deformed man in the little body sat watching, the realization of seeing his very own choice quickly dawned on him. He felt the confirming truth burn in his heart that this really happened, and he really chose his circumstances. He wept freely as all the bitterness bleed out of him. When he was done, there was nothing left but understanding, gratitude, and resolve. Now he knew what he had to do, and he was going to do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so I ended up adding some of my own perspective and mission focus to that. In writing this my own tears streamed down my face. It is truly amazing how the Spirit can help me write. I do know for myself that we each chose our families and our circumstances, knowing the risks that revolved around others choices. I am so grateful for the peace and consolation that comes from trusting this truth.

9-20-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.85

9-20-11

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 85

Paragraph 1

I totally believe this. I have seen it in my children’s behavior and the Spirit testifies to me that it is a future pattern: The way I try to discipline them is the same way they will learn to influence others- their own children, friends or otherwise. It becomes a deep part of their character. I think this (how we influence others) is the most significant “tradition of the fathers” that gets passed down.

“Deeply entrenched in the “creeds” of my own parents about how to relate to and influence others (by using shame, blame, coercion, manipulation, and outright force if necessary), I repeated their “style”.

I think the way I parent is the most significant indicator to show if I know and follow Christ. This is behavior rooted deep in the principles that are believed in the heart. I am now up against the task of how to change this ‘tradition’. I have been praying for guidance. I have been looking for sources to study. I am trying to change my heart, but still I must wait for these principles to sink deep within my soul. I started reading “Christ-like Parenting” but it didn’t go deep enough into the principle behind the behavior. It seemed to be more of a behaviorist changing point of view. I need something deeper if I want it to sink down to the origins of ‘the traditions of my fathers’. I think this is my answer, which is ironic because I was looking for something else when the Spirit told me that this is the one right thing that I need to study right now. Yet another manifestation that when we cast our net in the one place he directs when he directs, then he will fill our boat with fishes to overflowing. (John 21:6) http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/21.6?lang=eng#5

Like her, it is also amazing to me that I lived so much of my life without really applying the gospel to my life.

“Though I read the scriptures, listened to the modern prophets, and knew well the old adage… I still believed in and applied the methods of behaviorism, rather than the truths of Christ’s gospel.”

The only explanation I can think of is that I was spiritually asleep.

Paragraph 2

This gives me a deep desire to change for the benefit of my children and their children. I have been trying to understand and apply for a long time D&C121. I think it is a mystery that has been locked to me. I want to change and understand it now, and I really think I’m ready. I see I need to

Reprove be times with sharpness on a 7:1 ratio of positive affirmation, focusing and praising the good behavior.

I noticed yesterday that I must be completely connected to my vision in order to keep my focus on the positive and not the negative. I became disconnected because I had not done my learning time. Last night after I read the first few gripping chapters of “Portal to Genius” I felt alive again, and had the power to lift my eyes. Most of yesterday was spent focusing on the negative and pointing it out to others. I know this only makes it worse, but I was stuck in the mud and I felt it dragging me down. It felt like I was trying to move forward with square wheels on the car. The resistance was so great. Sluggish doesn’t even begin to describe it. After my morning scripture study, I did my vision board but I didn’t feel it, not really. I did my affirmations, but I still felt stuck. The adversary is trying to drag me down to keep me from living my mission, and I feel God allows it so I can learn to rely on Him in order to have power to break free.

I also see I need to consult the Holy Ghost before reproving with sharpness. I am getting better at this. A couple of days ago when someone in my family had a temper tantrum I tried not to revile again. I tried to speak words of truth afterward, but I should have prayed harder first so that I could have spoken the words of the spirit and not just my own emotions.

p. 87, 1^st paragraph

“Because it means that, just as the prophets have taught, our life is less about what happens to us and more about the way we choose to respond to what happens.”

I LOVE THIS TRUTH!! It is part of my Z model and I know choice determines which way we go in life- either toward the light or into darkness.

As an author, I love her metaphors!

“The answer stands like a solid granite monolith rising from the fog of mortality.”

I am so excited about this chapter. I think it’s what I have been missing. Gotta go for today.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 83, Day 7

I read in a book a couple weeks ago called “Teaching children Charity” that ‘there are no perfect solutions’. I mentioned this in sacrament meeting last time I bore my testimony and then the next person said that Christ is the only perfect solution. I think in the realm of finding solutions there is a short-term solution which is a temporary coping skill, and then there is a long-term solution which is what will change the root cause. This idea is also applicable when healing the body through herbs. Treating the body with herbs is the short-term answer. Changing the food that goes into the body to create a condition where sickness cannot live is the long-term solution. This is the ultimate prevention of sickness. If you have a clean body there is no junk for the body to need to clean it out the garbage. I am not into quick fixes. I understand the Law of the Harvest and I am willing to work and wait. I know real changes that happen from the inside out are slow and permanent. The slow change is solid. A fast change has fast rebounds.

So in this scripture what they did was ‘yield their hearts to God’. I’m guessing that was because of the persecution from their so-called church members they learned to ‘not revile again’. They were learning true meekness: to allow wrongs to happen to them without recourse for justice.

http://www.1828-dictionary.com/d/search/word,meekness

MEE'KNESS, n. Softness of temper; mildness; gentleness; forbearance under injuries and provocations.

1. In an evangelical sense, humility; resignation; submission to the divine will, without murmuring or peevishness; opposed to pride, arrogance and refractoriness. Gal.5.

I beseech you by the meekness of Christ. 1 Cor.10.

Meekness is a grace which Jesus alone inculcated, and which no ancient philosopher seems to have understood or recommended.

Their eventual result was the ‘sanctification and purification of their hearts.’

About a year ago I was going on a trip to St George with my family. While we were driving around in St George I was trying to do a phone conference that I had previously scheduled, much to the dismay of my husband. I thought I could both take care of my family and talk on the phone. It turns out that I was putting my family on the back burner while putting the phone call first. I only woke up to realize my priorities after Josh got so made that he broke the phone. I’m not saying that what he did was right, but I did learn much from it. On the hour drive home I realized I had a choice. The week before I was studying meekness and came across this definition. On the way home I was trying to work through it with the Spirit, and I came to realize that I could keep my pride and loose my marriage or I could loose my pride and keep my marriage. Somehow gradually through a long painful process since then I began to learn to be meek and revile not again. That is the day I decided to stay married and truly began my journey to learn how to be meek as Christ is- to truly become as He is. It is a hard and painful journey, but the results are amazing.

I now feel like I have the marriage I have always wanted. We are not perfect and have anything less than perfect circumstances. I realize that we do have all that we truly need. Through prayer and submission, grace and mercy, I am slowly learning. I have seen that as I change myself, others around me change too. The opposite does not work. Changing others is a way to avoid true change, from the inside out. In the wrong frame of mind, we think the world has to change then we will. If you want to change the world then change your self. This is the journey to Christ. I have seen this is true in my life.

9-18-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, Day 6

As Melvin Fish said in a book called “Unconditional Love”: “The past has no value except for what we can learn from it.” If we did something in the past that we regret, all we can do is to change our course for the future by learning from the past. Beating ourselves up about the past has no value. Guilt has no value for good except to motivate us to change our present course. I think in my past my guilt and regret kept me in my pit. It was over-board because I wasn’t trusting in the Savoir to be able to reach all the way down in my pit to save me. Since the past ‘inventory of sins’ I have no more of this guilt or regret. It truly has been swept away. Jesus Christ’s atonement has truly removed the stains of my past that they bring me no more pain. I have a deep commitment in the present moment to ‘keep my sword bright’ and never fall away from Him again, but sin will come because I am not perfect. All I can do is learn from the past and look to God that I might live.

9-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 82, day 5

There is this evil little voice in the back of my head constantly trying to get me to seek glory for myself; to build myself up; or to try to sound profound. It tries to get me to think in a way in my learning mentality that will “change them instead of me”. I suppose it is trying to get me to not live my mission which is to “Change me, not them.” There is no real influence in arrogance. I’m sorry if this comes out sometimes. I also am constantly fighting the temptation to think of myself as better, more advanced, or superior in any way to any of my heavenly brothers and sisters here on the earth. I easily see my own desire of who I want to become and my reality in my heart is that person I see in my mind. Then I have a double-standard to see others for who they are today. I see their weaknesses or actions that are not becoming of who they truly are and I see them for who they are today. This is not what I want. I want to truly be Don Quixote. I want to see others as I see myself: for the potential of their eternal selves. I am fighting against it, but I have not yet overcome it. This seems to be one of my weapons of rebellion. I pray for humility but it is slow to release me. I will continue to seek and wait for deliverance.

I would rejoice if I could stop fighting against God; that if my every thought and every action were to glorify Him, and not myself. I would that I could see all the ways I fight against Him, but I am blind. He shows me only what I can change in today. I want my life to be as the Savior’s was: to do the Father’s will not His own.

I know in seeking the Father’s will, it is truly what is best for us personally and completely. Not only us individually on the micro-scale of our lives, but also on the macro-scale of how everyone’s lives weave together. I know that living His will for us is truly what will help us to be happy. Yes, I desire to lay down ALL my weapons of rebellion. Someday I hope God will grant me victory.

9-9-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.82, Day 4

“Why do you think God can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are softened?”

I have a story that can illustrate the answer to this question. I was at the library one day because my computer was down and I needed to type something. I was at a stage in my learning path where God was helping me to desire to understand others and see into their hearts. He taught me this lesson to help me understand why it is such a hard gate to get through. I was pounding away at my computer when someone else I didn’t know came to sit at the computer beside me. As my fingers were flying over the keyboard when I noticed he was kinda a hunt-and-peck typer. At first I was feeling “pretty cool” (prideful) that I could type so much better than him. (I have since repented of this pride.) Then thoughts like these went through my mind of “I wonder how much typing experience he has had? Maybe he hadn’t ever had a typing class, or had that much time at the computer. His ‘tool box’ of experiences has given each of us just the skills we have right now. Why do I feel like that makes me better than him? Maybe he has not had the same opportunities for learning to type as I have. Maybe that is not part of his mission or what he is good at. I’m sure there are other things he is really good at that I am not very good at. With that my pride was swept away and I was able to focus on own work I had to do. Sometime later, the sacred nature of the human heart began to dawn on me. To me it all made perfect sense in my mind and heart at the time- all flowing together. The epiphany struck me when this question entered my thoughts, “What kind of Father would He be (meaning God) if He were to let ‘just anyone’ into a heart when they were not willing to truly understand them?” I realized that to truly understand others at heart, we have to be willing to pay the price to strip ourselves of pride and seek through the Spirit of truth to understand them. This was a gift I wanted and I have been paying that price since that day two years ago.

The way I see that this is the same principle is by what I call “the Law of More” described in Alma 12:9-11. Here’s a link to the full text. It will help immensely to read these two verses to see this. http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/12?lang=eng

It is the same price that must be paid for more love, money or truth. If we desire to gain MORE light and truth then it is earned on the principle of obedience. As we “do the best we can with what we have” we qualify for more; if was waste, then less will be given to us. You see, God feels His gifts are very sacred and precious, just as He feels about the sacred nature of the human heart. He wants us to treasure them so that no misuse or damage comes to them. He feels hurt and sad when we trample on that which He holds so precious. So, He gives us a little bit at a time to test us to see what we are going to do with what we have been given. Do we use our gifts and resources to gratify self or to serve others? Have we proven ourselves worthy of more? What will we do with it? How will it affect us and others? Will it lead us to greater pride or more humility? Will it help us grow closer to Him?

So to answer the question in the book, “Why do I think God can share the mysteries only with those whose hearts are softened?” After we gain more, we are accountable for more. We are growing in stewardship responsibilities.

9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 3

“What weakness do I hold on to?”

This is so ironic! I used to be so focused on the problem that I couldn’t see anything else. Now I seem to be so focused on the solution that I cannot see my weaknesses.

I really feel like God has given me a gift to have good desires. I don’t have to work very hard on that part. I pray for them and they come as I work hoping they’ll come, and they do. I do have to work on the follow-through and believing that I can solve problems. Sometimes I just have to WILL myself to believe. Doubt comes so easy. I have to choose to put out the darkness and decide I am going to believe.

Oh! I got one! Growing up planning and problem solving was really really hard for me. I muttled through my problems doing the best I could cut lacked the desire or capacity to go figure out something better. I used to have good ideas and talk about doing nice things for others, but when it came right down to it they didn’t get done because I lack follow-through. Well, yesterday I had a victory moment! Last Christmas I told my Mom that I wanted to redo her bathroom. I had good intentions, but it’s now September and nothing has been done. Well, I needed to borrow some money and she said I could work it off by doing the bathroom. I’ve gotten slowly better at planning and writing down what I need to do. Recently I am gaining the follow through to actually DO the things I plan on doing. So I had written in my planner that yesterday I was going to call Home Depot to see how much renting a wallpaper steamer is. I know it sounds stupid and silly that this has been my block, but there is something in the ‘figure it out’ that I had not been able to conquer. I mean, how do you see how to do what you have never done before? If there is no one there to show you how, and if you don’t ask for help all you can do is remain stuck- muddling through as best you can. That’s what I used to do. But today, I changed and actually researched the solutions. I did it! And then I got online to see a ‘how to’ video which helped me see the tools I needed to bring or buy. I now have a plan and feel confidence that I can figure it out. I know I cannot foresee everything. I have a tendency to over-plan and never act. So now I’m jumping in with my best foot forward. I know I’m going to make mistakes, and I get to learn from those. It will be great.

This weakness also applies to the way I approach meals in our home. I also do not enjoy creating beauty in our home because I don’t want to stay here. Meal-time has been a mountain that I believed I could not move for a long time. In this I am still on survival mode. I tolerate the existence of food because obviously we have to have it. I just have not learned yet how to enjoy making it or eating it. This is where I have to decide to conquer. The pain grows the longer I procrastinate. I have done some research and now it has come down to time to act. I have to try making new recipes, which I really do not enjoy. My husband does and I have gladly let him cook for 8 years. But I also feel victim to his choices. I am trying to get away from eating meat, and want to eat more fruits and vegetables. He is still in the mode of past thinking meat and potatoes. It’s so hard to switch our brains to think differently. So really it’s up to me to change our food habits. If I see it needs to be done, then I have to be the one to do it. It is wrong and puts unnecessary stress on our relationship to expect him to follow-through with what I am want him to do. He doesn’t see the need, I do. I think he will be willing to change if I get into action.

9-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.81, Day 2

2 N 4:31 “O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? … Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?”

Thoughts I had never considered... The only real remission of our sins- a real change of desire – the removal of the addiction because we now abhor what we used to crave. It brings to mind another scripture that ‘truly their hearts were changed’. Sometimes in my rebellious ways, I like doing the wrong thing- like getting that feeling of swearing like I was cool, or the psychological ‘kickers’ we get when we talk about other people. There may be a temporary high in doing the wrong, but surely it cannot last because ‘wickedness never was happiness’. Every person who has ever taken a mind-altering drug into their bodies knows about this type of high. Yet even while taking it they know that they are going to have to come crashing down later. But later doesn’t matter because now we crave the addiction.

Let me describe the kind of life that the Lord has given me now that my heart is changed. By no means do I mean to say that I have no more sins. I know there are, but I also know that I am changing through grace as fast as I can, and that is all I can do. To some extent, I do feel that my heart has changed and I have ‘no more desire to do evil’. I am working on being focused in my time and my energy to live my mission which is my small part in God’s great plan. I am focused on the solution and making adjustments toward doing better. I no longer abhor myself. There is no more guilt. I can really say for the first time in my life that I love myself and I love my life. I have never felt like this before. I feel like I am on fire in ‘doing many good things to build up the kingdom of God’. I still have to put out doubts all the time. The dark dot voices still try to tell me I can’t do it and that my contribution doesn’t mean anything to others, but I am fighting it. I am swimming upstream and I am getting stronger. Like Rapunzal said on the movie ‘Tangled’, “No I will never stop fighting you. Every second for the rest of my life I will never stop trying to get away from you!” In the fight I have victory in the moment; as long as I keep on going I will win.

9-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 81, Day 1

It is interesting to note that the bad comes in only after we turn away from the Lord. I believe this truly happens in the moment of choice: When my kids are whining (there’s nothing that drives me nuts quicker) for attention or impatient for food: Do I get impatient and be annoyed or do I pray for strength beyond my own. The cycle is set up because we fell into a trap and make the wrong choice therefore leading us down to captivity. I know every time I let myself get angry it is because I am not “looking to the Lord to live” as I ought. Joy is there, but I have to choose it by looking to Him.

9-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 80

9-7-11

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 80

Yet knowing “that it is in harmony with the principles of the Gospel to be self-disclosing to others about our weaknesses” will not help us feel safe enough to do it. We first need to be healed by Him, and then He fills our cup. Then we will have security from within that no man can neither give nor take away.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 75 - 78

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 75

Thoughts from p.75

I think before I was being honest, but at the same time not having forgiven myself. The result was a feeling of guilt as I confessed my sins, thus communicating the feeling of my prison. Now that I have forgiven myself and placed my ‘inventory’ on the alter, when I am open and honest now there is a feeling of liberation communicated because of forgiveness: thus hopefully giving them the desire and hope of liberation too.

Epiphany while exercising today:

p. 78 JS quote “I told them I was a man and they must not expect me to be perfect, … but if they would bear with my infirmities and the infirmities of my brethren, I would likewise bear with their infirmities… I don’t want you to think I am very righteous, for I am not very righteous.” (think of how this would effect the people’s attitudes if this were the attitude of political figures who are good and moral.)

Do I want others to see me as righteous? I think in the past for sure, especially with my family, I wanted them to accept me and see the good in me- that I was righteous. I think the result of that was that they perceived me as self-righteous. The desire for others to see me as righteous is a bad seed. Yesterday when I confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness of our ward, I wanted them to see me as ‘one in the struggle’ (Eyre’s) a ‘struggling mortal’ (this book) just like them. I think that portrays a more honest and real feeling of equality. The result was that they saw that I was striving and I had a desire for charity, which is worthy of note. The scripture comes to mind: “He that exalted himself shall be abased, and he that abaseth himself shall be exalted.”

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 74

I had not considered that trying to ‘appear to be perfect’ would put one in an emotional prison. We were talking about prisons yesterday in our lesson on charity, and how Christ said that we are to visit those in prison. I am struggling to figure out this principle because of my daughter who often hurls herself there in her temper tantrums. My husband says that we should not ‘wallow’ with someone in their prison who does not want to move on. Perhaps he lacks the compassion or patience to love them in these unlovable moments. When I was in prison and felt this way I wished that someone would have been there to show me the way out. But really I had to be left alone so that I could turn to the Lord, knowing that I had no other options, and let Him help me figure it out. I think this is part of the necessity. We have to pay our ‘utmost farthing’ to get out of prison, and He is the only one that can get us out.

I used to feel my Husband was cruel in the first years of our marriage. My victim mentality blamed him and I felt abandoned. But the very fact that he let me alone was exactly what I needed so I could figure it out with the Lord, and thereby win my personal victory and gain the Savior’s power and love.

I have notice lately, even people like Elder Cook, who by confessing their humility and weakness doesn’t make me love them any less. The fear that I will subject myself to public disapproval by public confession in a myth. When Elder Cook was here for Stake Conference last month He said that he feels so inadequate to fulfill his calling. He shared his struggles and helped us feel like he is a ‘struggling mortal’ just like the rest of us. He is an Apostle of the Lord, and we felt as He ‘witnessed’ of the Savoir that he really has seen Him face to face. His confessing his ‘small-ness’ before us did not decrease our opinion of him, but in reality helped us to elevate our own status up to his level. We did get a feeling of equality, but it was not because we were wallowing in the mud. It was elevated and beautiful.

9-5-11 Public confession

9-5-11

Yesterday was fast Sunday. I wasn’t planning on it, but I got up to bear my testimony. The Spirit had been whispering things in the back of my mind that I had not fully recognized until I was taking the Sacrament. I wrote down a couple thoughts. I didn’t know how I was going to say what He wanted me to, but I went anyway. I did it. I said what the Spirit had whispered to me. One of the things was the thoughts from the “Love Sandwich” from the book Unconditional Love. I forgave, and asked for forgiveness to those in the congregation. I looked right at someone I felt I have offended when I asked. He was looking down and didn’t see me but I feel liberated anyway. I now know that my sins are truly in the past and I have done everything I could possibly do. If there is any offense of the past it is no longer my burden or responsibility.

I think my openness and honesty makes some people uncomfortable. I think in the past I used to be inappropriately open and divulged too much. I think I have learned that balance now, but I still get the feeling they are squiring in their seats a little. One Sister told me the other day that she is a very private person and doesn’t like to disclose things about herself. That surprised me SO much because she is SO cheerful and service oriented. She courageously reaches out with open arms and loves others and expresses her joy uninhibitedly, yet still I see now that she is still reserved about herself- and that’s ok. That’s her personal preference and where she is right now. I just had not thought that the two were possible in the same person, but they are. I hope that as we grow closer to Zion that we will each come to feel safe enough to share our feelings: about truth, about gratitude, and about ourselves. As someone said in church yesterday: your heart has to be broken so the Lord can fill it. It’s all part of the process. Another amazing thing that was said was that because of the Savoir and the atonement; that He is perfect, that it releases each of us from the needed of having to be (and I would say appear) perfect.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 7:

I don’t think other people at church know this scripture. =) I share my challenges all the time and they say I am too hard on myself. I think they are uncomfortable with me being so open, but maybe because that’s because in the past a feeling of guilt has been associated with this confession. Maybe now since I have let go of the guilt, they will be able to feel that I have forgiven myself and then they too can gain the power to be open and honest. This would be my ideal society: If all people were sincerely open and honest emotionally. I truly think that it would disarm and destroy the Inner Ring game, at least in these ‘circles’ where it was practiced. I really think it would strengthen us as the people of God, and allow us to ‘lift one another’s burdens’. The question is, What can I do to create this environment?

I want to explore this more later, but my kids need me now…. More later.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 6

I think it was about January or so that I got up in church and made a public apology of my judgmentalness and other mistakes. I think I got the courage to do this because other guy before me was so open and honest. It was so beautiful. Some people were uncomfortable with the openness of the meeting and said it was a ‘sad’ meeting. Because of that day, I have felt forgiveness from others from my mistakes and gained the power to change them. Last night in that book, “Unconditional Love” he said that guilt is the most powerful destructive feeling. Admitting my mistakes to others helps me to let go of the pressure of trying to be perfect, and gives me the power to forgive myself. In this there is no more guilt; it is truly ‘swept away’ as Enos said.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 5

“Are you ready to take responsibility for my past choices? Why or why not?”

In working through this process, I felt the Lord promise me that He would hold my hand to help me have courage to see all my darkness. With His promise I had the courage to ‘open up the closet’ to do the inventory. Now that I have given Him that burden and feel like I have truly changed from the inside out, I feel these things are really in the past. They are not part of me anymore. Yes, absolutely I would be willing to take responsibility for them. I don’t want others to hurt because of my past actions. That is the opposite of truly being a Christian and everything that the Sermon on the Mount teaches. By this very repentance process we reverse the downward spiral and change the flow from destructive to constructive.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 4

“Is my desire to know the Lord becoming stronger than my fear of being honest?”

Absolutely. I am willing to pay what ever price is necessary, cut and carve myself (talk by Oaks on desire) so that I can know the Lord. It is my deepest desire, and some of my desires run pretty deep