My 12 Step Journal: 10/27/11

10-27-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.116, Day 3

Yes, I have seen people both forgive and people who have been hostile to me in my attempts apology.

v.21 http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/24?lang=eng

“What does this verse teach us about our resolve to be “defenseless” even in the face of such hostility?”

I like v. 18 even better:

18 And this they did, it being in their view a testimony to God, and also to men, that they ^anever would use weapons again for the shedding of man’s blood; and this they did, vouching and ^bcovenanting with God, that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would ^cgive up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands.

I think I have not been willing enough to suffer the retribution of the pain I originally caused. I was not willing to accept any reaction either way, but only wanted forgiveness to get it over with. That is for my benefit, but what about their path to healing? I had a responsibility in causing a downward cycle that hurt someone else. I chose to hold offense for many years and it discolored my whole world view, and soured many relationships. Then in my attempt to healing my own pain, I blamed without having first seen my part in it. I wish I wouldn’t have said anything until I was totally healed. Now I see differently. I see them differently, and me differently. As children we were both hurting and starving for love and acceptance. Like an addict, I was desperate to get it from any source that would give it. I got it from boys. The acceptance was temporary and superficial. I have seen in my life that if a child does not get acceptance from home that they will never feel truly accepted anywhere else they go. This other person still feels rejected in our own family, and I do not feel accepted either. The pain is very deep and silent. I ruptured and amplified their pain when I tried to apologize without recognition of my own error. Now they feel rejected even more and I have deepened their pain. How do I make it right? What rejection and repercussion must I willing to suffer so that they can see I am sincere and have buried my weapons of blame and offense? I am now healed by the Savoir of the pain of the past, but they still hurt. My heart weeps for them. What can I do? Maybe I will have to suffer their rejection for the rest of my life, but I must still return kindness and love. I must remember that the outward behavior is a manifestation of their inner pain and not take offense to it, but understand it and have compassion for it. With full intent, I am now willing to prostrate myself before their mercy of what ever reaction they may have, so that they may see my sincerity in repentance and hopefully eventually feel my love and acceptance for them. Then and only then I will be at peace having set right the cycle I once started.

10-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.116, Day 2

If I were to “zealously strive to repair all the injuries which I had done” what would I do? Who would I go talk to?

As I have been working thorough these 12 steps, I have been making amends as best I could to people along the way. After the “Inventory” I feel free of my past. I feel like I have come to a place where I am able to live in today and repair the injuries of today as I go. There are still those in my past who have not forgiven me, but that is not in my control. I could do service for them if I were more zealous in striving to repair the damage, but because of the ‘dirty windshield’ I fear my actions may be misinterpreted.

10-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 115, Day 1

“Becometh as a child” means to me is a process of humbling gradually by continual submission. We are Heavenly Father’s children and if we are to do as Christ, then we too must be about our Father’s work. During my day when I need help trying to figure out how to discipline the children it’s a matter of “Do I ask ‘What do you want me to do’?” so that I can respond or do I react as the natural man by the arm of the flesh. When I think of being “willing to submit in all things” I imagine a twig floating down the river who is happy to go by the flow instead of trying to go against God’s will. Or I can imagine a bendy straw that I can put into just the right position that I want it to be. If we are willing to submit in all things then we trust God explicitly to know that He knows best and He wants us to be happy and that He is leading us there. If we can stand in the narrow way we can have joy in all things because we have perfect hope of deliverance. With that perfect brightness of hope we will feel the peace now as if it was then. (This is what Leslie Householder teaches - to visualize what you want and feel gratitude for it as if you already have it. Then you are able to be lead to the things to do in order to get it, with peace or to have a genius idea that will get you there. It’s because we feel peace that we are led to the harvest. We have to choose to believe. See Jackrabbit Factor)

10-22-11 Continued “Pride”, Benson

conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.”

I think I need to work on my unrighteous dominion. I still see myself trying to motivate and control my children through fear or force because I get tired or run out of patience and forget to ask for more… The way that I notice it is because the children do the same thing to each other, and when I see that it’s really bitter. I abhor it. I want to see them talk nicely to each other and motivate through kindness. In this I still await the grace of deliverance… What must I do to overcome it?

Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

This was literally my prayer this morning because I am giving a seminar today to obey the commandment of the Lord to me.

Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is‍ the universal sin, the great vice.

Pride is also contagious. I have noticed that the more prideful I am, the more prideful my husband is. I have also seen the converse to be true. Humility is also contagious. I have seen my husband become more teachable as I have become more teachable. The best advice I could give to myself is that if I see that someone else needs to change something, then change that thing in myself and see what happens. The Lord asked me to do this last summer. Maybe this is what it means to ‘Do to others as we would have them to do us”. It is truly amazing. As Steven Covey says, “We see not the world as it is, but as WE are.” I have really found this to be true.

we must prepare to redeem Zion. It was essentially the sin of pride that kept us from establishing Zion in the days of the Prophet Joseph Smith. It was the same sin of pride that brought consecration to an end among the Nephites. (See 4 Ne. 1:24–25.)

Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion. I repeat: Pride is‍ the great stumbling block to Zion.

Yes, it may be that ‘we must’ but how much do we want it? If this was the thing that we wanted more than anything else, I believe we would go though all the pain of whatever it takes to really let go of all our pride. Yes we may say we want Zion, but what do our actions show that we want more?

After reading it today, I couldn’t help but think of President Uchtdorf’s comments on this. They kind of need to be discussed together. Here’s the link on Uchtdorf’s

http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/pride-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng&query=(pride+OR+benson)

Pride is sinful, as President Benson so memorably taught, because it breeds hatred or hostility and places us in opposition to God and our fellowmen. At its core, pride is a sin of comparison, for though it usually begins with “Look how wonderful I am and what great things I have done,” it always seems to end with “Therefore, I am better than you.”

All of these things help us recognize the sin of pride in ourselves, but how do we overcome it?

They look for any flaw and magnify it.

Am I looking for strengths or weaknesses in others? What is my vision? We will eventually get what we desire and work for.

As priesthood bearers, we must realize that all of God’s children wear the same jersey. Our team is the brotherhood of man. This mortal life is our playing field. Our goal is to learn to love God and to extend that same love toward our fellowman. We are here to live according to His law and establish the kingdom of God. We are here to build, uplift, treat fairly, and encourage all of Heavenly Father’s children.

I love this idea of the same jersey. Especially as connected with the things taught on the Sermon on the Mount.

We can be grateful for our health, wealth, possessions, or positions, but when we begin to inhale it—when we become obsessed with our status; when we focus on our own importance, power, or reputation; when we dwell upon our public image and believe our own press clippings—that’s when the trouble begins; that’s when pride begins to corrupt

It seems like gratitude and humility are the antidotes for pride. If we are focused on Zion and unity then we will desire to lift others up.

by design, the Lord chooses “the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.”¹³‍ The Lord does this to show that His hand is in His work, lest we “trust in the arm of flesh.”¹⁴

I feel this so strongly today because of my seminar. I feel so weak, yet I am willing to do what He has asked.

So how do we conquer this sin of pride that is so prevalent and so damaging? How do we become more humble?

It is almost impossible to be lifted up in pride when our hearts are filled with charity.

Here’s the question I asked earlier.

The moment we stop obsessing with ourselves and lose ourselves in service, our pride diminishes and begins to die.

Maybe this is why the Lord has asked me to do this today, so that I could loose my pride…

… let us follow the example of our Savior and reach out to serve rather than seeking the praise and honor of men. It is my prayer that we will recognize and root out unrighteous pride in our hearts and that we will replace it with “righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, [and] meekness.”²⁷‍

It seems with my focus on living my mission that I have a desire to be an instrument and to serve. As the Spirit leads me along this path, I see my pride being rooted out. The more I feel the acceptance of my Heavenly Father, the less I feel a need to be liked or accepted by others. I love this talk. It clarifies so much for me.

10-20-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 115

Regarding the paragraph of the Anti-Nephi-Lehites being fanatics as from the perspective of ‘the world’ I completely agree. In my perspective, they had given up the game of “The Inner Ring”. They decided to fight against it by continues and conscious effort by deciding it didn’t matter what other people thought. I think it is true that few people ever choose to do this, but I think it’s what Christ meant when He talked about forsaking the world. It is a real game and I see it everywhere, and even sometimes in myself. I have to constantly remind myself of my loyalties to my Heavenly Father and if I am right before Him then nothing else matters- even if I am rejected for saying what He wants me to say by the whole of society, or all my family. It’s a really awesome article – not very long. Here’s the link if you want to check it out.

http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php

“Beware of Pride” by Benson

http://lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

I remember the first time I read this talk I was in college. It broke me to the dust and I was devastated with the knowledge of my sins continually before my face. I did not know how to trust all of that to the Savoir, so it broke me. For about two days I moped around campus shuffling my feet and wondering how people could even smile knowing that we were so prideful- because I felt like I couldn’t smile. I was in a depressed state anyway, but the talk just made it worse. I could only see the condemnation in it and not the hope.

Thoughts on Benson’s talk:

At the end of this world, when God cleanses the earth by fire, the proud will be burned as stubble and the meek shall inherit the earth.

I wonder what test would be required to make all this happen. What would this look like that a single event would cause a duel outcome? I know from past experience that when the Lord prophesies something it looks wondrous, but sometimes the reality of it may look quite simple. Simplicity to me is wondrous. Maybe it would be something that would require the meek to kneel where the proud would not. Then again, it may be that the meek will literally be lifted up off the earth because of meekness proven in times past. Just fun food for thought…

Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.

Don’t we all sin in ignorance? I mean if we were sinning knowing it and not changing then that would be rebellion and that is outright pride. I guess there’s a quite pride, and then there’s a loud pride.

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

This is the game of the inner ring.

As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.”

I think the X model of obedience if very applicable here. (see entry on 10-13-11)

They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge,

I think this was one of the first lessons that I learned that enabled me to pass though the cross-roads of the X-model. I came to realize then and still remember every day that God knows all truth and I know nothing. I am constantly aware of all that I do not know and it keeps me relying on God’s knowledge.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.

This is one of the major things I see about today’s TV world- that humor is aimed at degrading others. It’s so sad to me and I fiercely avoid it, although I do have a problem doing it still with my husband. How sad is that? The one who I’m supposed to be the nicest to gets the worst of me… Guess I found the next thing I need to work on.

The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7; D&C 30:1–2; D&C 60:2.) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?”

The game of the Inner Ring

Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?

If we are focused on living our true Missions, then pleasing God will be our focus.

When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment.

Z Model !

There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up

This was my problem in college.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.

I can’t help but wonder if pride is the symptom or if is the root cause of the problem. I think it’s a symptom… The commandment is to love God above all else, and love our neighbor as ourselves. What is the root cause? Something to do with enmity…

The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily.

I learned this lesson this past year. Now I feel like my heart is continually open to receive correcting because I want so much more to change and become better. I have the acceptance of the Savoir and I no longer fear rejection from men.

Confession:

I keep feeling like I cannot be offended, but I allowed myself to be last night. I am trying to find a way to forgive. I want to see it from their perspective but my hurt and disappointment is in the way. Maybe it is not important that I completely avoid being offended, but that I find a way to work through it every time I am. Why was I offended? How can I let go of the part of me that wants to take offence?

I was offended because someone who profess they care about me and support me said they could not take actions to do so. It feels like lip-service. I just wish they could take off the mask and be real with me. There is too much professionalism and it feels like dishonest emotions. I rue fake emotions.

Maybe I am judging, because I certainly do not know their whole heart, especially if I am being offended.

To be continued…

10-19-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.114. Conclusion to principle 8

“We must be willing to bury our weapons permanently – our weapons of pride (self-will, competition, and enmity), fear (self-pity), and self-righteousness. We must not allow ourselves to use them ever again…”

I am willing… but to have this self-expectation seems to be once again trying to ‘white-knuckle’ my way to perfection. I am willing, but I know I am very imperfect and some weaknesses I must overcome one step at a time so that the change is real and permanent. I suppose all I can do is to do my best every day, even praying for strength beyond my own so that I may be endowed with that which I yet lack so that those around me can be blessed.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng&media=audio

This was a fitting talk for today.

Hilary Weeks “All the Good”

JS Quote p. 78 “I told them I was but a man... bear with my infirmities, I … theirs.”

10-18-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 106, Day 7

I listened to this talk this morning:

https://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/cleave-unto-the-covenants?lang=eng&signmein

I love this quote:

My grandmother Ellen Hanks Rymer was a young mother in 1912 when she received her patriarchal blessing. When I read her blessing, these lines jumped off the page and stayed in my mind: “Thou wast chosen from before the foundation of the earth, and a chosen spirit to come forth in this day. … Thy testimony shall be magnified and thou shalt be able to testify. … The destroyer has sought to destroy thee, but if thou wilt cleave unto thy God, he [the destroyer] shall not have power to harm thee. Thou through thy faithfulness shalt have great power and the destroyer shall flee from before thee because of thy righteousness. … When the hour of fear and trials come upon thee if thou wilt retire to thy secret closet in prayer thy heart shall be comforted and the obstacles removed.”²

This talk in a way shows the opposite of what it looks like to separate ourselves from God.

She says to write about how does past hurt cause me to separate myself from the Lord.

I think in a very real way the difference is where we turn in our thoughts when we hurt. If we look down we doubt and feel pain because of doubt. If we look up we feel hope because of faith. In moments of remembering past hurts the natural man in us tends to want to lick our wounds and feel sorry for ourselves. This is separating us from God. We keep our burdens to ourselves and do not ask Him to heal us. We fail to trust in the Lord.

p.111 I like the imagery of the word “kinks”. I often get kinks in the water hose and it stops the water either a little or a lot. When we hold offence, grudges, resentments, or feelings of estrangement then we stop the flow of the Spirit or the love of God in our lives. This seems to answer her question above.

p.111-114 This is such a beautiful parable and dream she had. I think I want to send it to everyone for Christmas. I wonder if I need permission?

10-17-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.106, Day 6

3 N 12:9 “Blessed are all the peacemakers.”

I am familiar with what she says about “making ourselves have these traits.” It is painful character development and is mostly grit. I have found that living the gospel of Jesus Christ and receiving His grace increases the leverage and moves the fulcrum. It becomes easier when we are yoked with Christ; His grace helps make up all that we lack.

This morning I felt this grace. I said my prayers in the morning asking that I might be given strength beyond my own to bless my children to overcome the anger cycle in their generation, as I do too. Within the first few moments of being out of bed, Teren started throwing a temper tantrum because the string on her pants was in a knot, then it was because the dress wouldn’t go on the hanger… she gets easily frustrated because she has such passion to achieve her vision. The frustration is because a lack of the problem solving skills to be able to attain her vision. Anyway, I kept my calm and talked to her smoothly and gently. I told her what I expected of her to “ask nicely” so I could help her. When she chose to continue throwing her tantrum, I walk away. It is getting better the more I learn to control myself.

It’s strange the curve balls we encounter in life to learn the lessons we need so we can live our missions and realize our visions. The other day I read a story about a visiting teacher who was helping a sister that was having marital problems. She prayed for direction on how to help the Sister, and the Lord told her to learn and share with her about the law of Tithing. That seems to have no connection to me at all- tithing in answer to marital problems??? It turns out that the marital problems were a symptom of the financial problems. The relationships were strained because of financial stress. After the sister listened and obeyed, doors were opened and the stress was alleviated. That is just amazing to me that when we have a problem in one area, God sends us a solution that looks like a spider which is really the best long-term solution to solve the root cause of the problem. The spider thing is from a blog I read the other day by Leslie Householder. http://www.positivethinkingtips.org/ It is so true.

So with Teren after I walked away two times, she started another tantrum in the living room about her shoes. I came down on her and told her that I was not going to put up with it. I told her more harshly before and in a mean voice the rule that she and Saria share shoes and she cannot choose shoes that are someone else’s feet. She could go choose shoes from the shoe box. After I told her my expectations in no uncertain terms, I calmed my voice down and told her it’s ok and she could choose some different shoes. A neighbor boy was over and my parents are here. I felt tension in the air and they watched and listened. I wonder if it’s a lie in my subconscious that I have to ‘be hard’ on Teren. I think I get stern with her like that because I think she really needs a solid fence. I have been uncertain and inconsistent with my rules and boundaries in the past. Perhaps it will get better with time and I increase my integrity in doing what I say. I read this quote this morning from Silva Alred’s talk in Women’s conference:

President Monson teaches: “Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.”

I am just wondering if I am having charity for Teren when I have to give her a stiff boundary. To accept people as they truly are is a tricky concept. I believe the temporary of what is seen is not who people really are, but who they really are is who God sees they will become- their true eternal selves. So when I see mud on someone’s feet or when they act in unlovable ways, even though it is what is seen, it is not who they truly are. That remains in what is unseen.

10-15-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p. 105, day 5

10-15-11 p. 105, day 5

28 And they did look upon shedding the blood of their brethren with the greatest abhorrence; and they never could be prevailed upon to take up arms against their brethren; and they never did look upon death with any degree of terror, for their hope and views of Christ and the resurrection; therefore, death was swallowed up to them by the victory of Christ over it.

29 Therefore, they would suffer ^adeath in the most aggravating and distressing manner which could be inflicted by their brethren, before they would take the sword or cimeter to smite them.

I think when we truly repent of a sin, the very way we look at it becomes changed. I used to have a problem with morality and now my attitudes are night and day different about it. I used to take lightly sacred things (jokes or movies), now I am very sensitive when I am in a situation where others are being vulgar about sacred things. I used to dress immodestly because I lacked love and acceptance, and respect for myself. Now I have it from my Heavenly Father and nothing else matters.

There is one person whom I’ve offended that I know has not forgiven me. I tried to apologize to them and they said that I had done the damage and to save it. I was humiliated and hurt. I went to pray and ponder it and the answer came back to suffer it and be meek. The Spirit gave me the power then to still have an open loving heart toward them even though I was rejected. I can’t say I have continued to feel that way ever after but I do understand their pain. I rejected them first and they were hurt. They were only reacting according to human nature to give what they had been given. I do not blame them but I do long to repair the damage and see their heart healed.

I am still at a loss as what to do. I asked the advice of a friend a couple months ago and she said they needed a lot of space: to wish them a happy birthday and merry Christmas and leave them alone. I didn’t wish them a happy birthday directly but I did send them a love sandwich (from Mel Fish’s book). I saw them in my mind’s eye a sent them my feelings of apology and asked for forgiveness. I have fasted and prayed (which I can’t fast anymore because I’m pregnant.) I am waiting for the door to be opened.

I would be willing to suffer any degree of humiliation so that they would forgive me. I suppose any negative reaction could not be worse than has already happened. However, I don’t want to cause any deeper pain to them. My fear is that I will say something more to offend them and drive them further away. What more can I do? I do long to be cleansed of regret and pain, but I do not have control of their side of the relationship. I can only ask and wait. Any pain I suffer after that can be swallowed up in the Atonement. I don’t know that rehashing it here will do any good. If I must apologize again I will. I wrote a letter, but I’m not sure it’s the right time to send it. I want to, but I need to do it when the time is right. Maybe I could tell them to save it till they are ready… searching for answers…