My 12 Step Journal: 12/12/11

12-7-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.140, Day 6

Spiritually when I stop to think about it, I know the gift of the Holy Ghost is the most important thing. With out the enlightenment of the Holy Ghost my natural woman is so inclined to focus on all the problems of the muck and the mire. I get so snappish and impatient with my family, then I start to hate myself and then I get angry for the things that I have done. Then I spiral downward into my pit. With the power of the Holy Ghost I somehow find the fortitude to look up and find purpose in my pain. He blesses me to see that it will not last forever, and trust the all-seeing plan of the Lord. With His companionship I am comforted; I can forgive myself, and even love myself and others despite the mud I have on my shoes. This is not who I really am. In time all that is not me; all the ugliness; all the sin will wear away and I will be like my Savoir…. Someday in time, because the gift of the Holy Ghost to burn the fire within that can sanctify and purify my ugliness. The Holy Ghost is that one seemingly small gift that turns the hinge on the whole of who I become, and how I feel about myself all along my journey.

How pitiful I must look to God when I pray for the ‘thing I most desire’ that is a new house. Is it really what will make the difference? With the Holy Ghost, I can learn to use what I have and get the results I want despite my circumstances. I don’t know how, but I know that’s what He does. To me it seems impossible; that I am trapped in these circumstances, but even in my pain I know there is a reason why I have been given these circumstances. They are mine and I trust that God is good, that He gave them to me for me. When I stop and Be Still, I can see that the gift of the Holy Ghost is REALLY what I need that will make all the difference. I need to work harder to receive this gift.

2 N 32:3

If the Holy Ghost can “tell me all things what I should do”, then why do I need to study so hard to learn for myself? I think perhaps this is the duty of my path, so that I can gain light and knowledge- showing my children how to gain their own educations. Yet in my current state of ignorance I am grateful for the Holy Ghost that can teach me all things I need to do now. His grace IS sufficient for me.

12-6-11 "He did deliver me from Bondage" p.140, Day 5

12-6-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 140, Day 5

That’s so ironic. Just last night I had an experience that made me decide to fast this coming Sunday. I have been pregnant or nursing for so long with too short of reprieve to get in the habit again. I missed it last Sunday again. So after last night, I know I need to fast and pray so that I can prepare to receive a message that is waiting to be delivered to me. I also have been praying for humility because I want to be able to learn better. I think it’s a curse and a blessing that I have such great desires. I suppose I need to just trust the process.

12-5-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.139, Day 4

It’s amazing to me that there is so much in this one scripture that I did not even notice this phrase the first time I read it. I have been thinking about the learning path of the Lord, and how blessed I have been to learn so much truth these past four years. I often think of how I can help others learn the truth I have. What focus could I help them find to gain this for themselves? I was noticing yesterday how seeking to understand truth seems to be my sovereign desire / goal / aim. While I was reading this scripture, the thought came to me that it is by asking God than we learn the truth, and we do this by continually having a prayer in our heart. It all seems to flow together and be elements of the same molecule. To begin with one leads to the other but is not complete without all elements. I cannot correctly teach the world to seek truth alone for its own sake. It must be coupled with the need to seek to learn truth from God and have this prayer continually in our hearts as we learn. Wow! I learn so much when I write. I love it. Learning for me is a passion I must bridle, not a pain I must endure.

12-3-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.139, Day 3

This reminds me of the Z model. I like the phrase “freed from sin”.

sin being on the left freedom being on the right

carnally minded spiritually minded

death Life

I’ve been thinking lately about the phrase “to let go of the cares of this world”. Certainly the cares of this world are predominately carnal and belong in the physical reality. She says to describe a day of each? There is one sense of it when I am focused on all the ‘things’ in my house, or the money we don’t have, or all the stuff that I want. When I focus on these carnal things my focus becomes selfish and short-sided. On the other hand when I think about ways that I can help other people or who needs me to help them, then my focus turns outward. In the service of others I am blessed with joy, because I get to serve God.

I was thinking yesterday of a blessing timeline. Imagine in your mind a time line that shows a thing you think is a blessing, then draw a line forward into the future for how long that blessing will last. Like this:

Now 1 yr 5 yrs 10yrs 50yrs 100yrs 1000yrs Death

Food_ (only ‘today’)

Car________________ (if we’re lucky)

Civil marriage_______________________________ (till death do you part)

Having family & children ------------------------------------------------------------à generational continuance

Eternal Marriage (sealed in the temple) -------------------------------------------------------------------------à

What are the long-term effects of my choices? How long will it matter? How long will it last?

What do we spend our money and our time on? How long will it last? Does it really matter?

Idea for future…

* “ring true to me” compare to ring of a bell. Individual resonance because of shape. Truth individual resonance to each of us.

*Idea to establish joint decision making in a presidency: Use a cookie sheet/plate to stack weights. Use washers for weights. Imagine each washer is a 5 lb weight. Use different places around a circle on the cookie sheet to represent each person in the presidency (maybe use name tags). Have each sister individually take their own stack of weights and distribute them according to how they feel the decision making process should be distributed. Who has the most weight? How are the weights to be distributed?

My thoughts: According to the law of Zion and in efforts to strive for unity, each person has an equal amount of weight. Responsibility and accountability is equally shared. We are a team. If we fail, we fail together. If we win, we win together.

Thoughts from http://ce.byu.edu/cw/womensconference/archive/1998/smoot_mary_ellen.htm

She said that Enoch is a perfect pattern for doing impossible things. He built the city of Zion from the ground up; from a wicked selfish people to a giving and pure people. I was thinking this morning that the sealed part of the Book of Mormon probably contains more of this pattern: how to build Zion. And surely the Prophet is leading us to become worthy enough to receive it. I can’t wait till I can open those pages. I’ll go straight to the index and look up Enoch to see the pattern of how to build Zion. But surly there is more that I can do with the scriptures I now have. I know I still have a lot of work to do.

12-2-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.139, Day 2

As I read the scripture for today it hit me with such power I had to go back and read the whole chapter. Then this one was even better :

3 For the Lord shall ^acomfort ^bZion, he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her ^cwilderness like ^dEden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody.

If I ever become friends with a Jew, I shall give him the Book of Mormon and say, “I have something that belongs to you. This was written for you, to help you remember who you are. Here read this:
2N 8:9-10, 17, 21-22

Wow, this chapter is so cool! I am just sitting here crying and crying as the Spirit plays the symphony in my mind. I know that the Book of Mormon was written to convince the Jews that Jesus is the Christ. I pray for the time they will awake and remember who they are. I am sure glad that I was able to borrow the Book of Mormon for a while, but I know it belongs to them.

So- her question: “Write about not fearing the reproach of others more than we desire to do God’s will ever more continually in all things.” This is certainly something that grows according to the Law of More- both mental desire and determination as well as in act to follow through with tenacity. I think I am somewhere on the bridge between one to the other. I am at a place where I am learning how to apply the truth that I’ve been given and learn the tools I need to be the kind of person God wants me to be to be able to DO His will. I am excited to be taking a class from Ty Bennett on communicating through stories. I feel much hope that it will be a tool to help me bridge this gap. God has written ‘His law on my heart’. I know it by heart. The problem is that I am having trouble learning how to communicate it and get “this book” out of me. Hum. I just had a thought. Maybe its because I have yet failed to apply what I know in my own life, therefore I cannot teach what I do not live. I had a thought this morning while I was starting the laundry that I need to write a story in theory, then go through a series of experiments testing the cause of what I am doing with the effect of the results I see. Through this series of adjustments I think I just might be able to create the vision I want. If I put into the context of ‘an experiment’ I won’t be so anxious about the results, I will just be observing. It will be more of ‘let’s see what happens if I do this’ kind of idea. Sometime I get so worked up about things not happening now, or fearing I will not achieve the results I desire in the long run. I think this is a lack of faith. If I keep experimenting on the method with the Grace of God, then eventually I WILL attain it if He wants me to, right? It could even be powerful for others to try their own experiment at the same time to test results in their lives. It could be a great tool of learning to apply the gospel in our lives… good food for thought!

12-1-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p.139, Day 1

12-1-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 139, Day 1

I have been working so hard these past 6 months to clarify my vision. I would be thrilled if someone called me visionary! It is those who are visionary that have changed the world. There is a perspective described in “Agency Education” by Neil Flinders of two different perspectives. The first perspective is from people who live inside a bubble but cannot see anything outside the bubble. They believe life is temporary and claim that one cannot believe what one cannot see. The other perspective is from people living in the bubble, but they can see that it is clear. They can see that there is a world beyond this one and they can and choose to believe things they cannot see, which are true. I love the part in “Don Quixote, Man of LaMancha” that illustrates this point. Don Cervantes is in the prison arguing about reality and how he chooses to perceive it. He puts up a good defense that to perceive things only by what is seen is insanity. For me, I choose to believe that there is a world of Spirit all around us that we cannot see, but is real. If we see life from an eternal perspective, it is those that cannot see life for its possibilities that have a limited vision. It certainly takes more work to cultivate a visionary mind, than it does to sit back and say that things beyond our vision are impossible. Who is the one that can DO the will of the Lord: The one that sees life as it can be, or the one that cannot imagine it as anything more than what it is?

11-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” Step 11

It is interesting to me that this has been a common vein of gold running though my path. I have slowly been learning to council with the Lord ‘in all my doings’ and learn through the power of the Holy Ghost to do ‘all things that I should do’. Though here she says that as we learn (I almost said perfect but I’m not sure that’s the right word) this process she says we will learn to ONLY ask to know the will of the Lord, and seek for His power to carry it out. Maybe that’s why my ‘mission focus’ has been so powerful to me. Because the highest aim of knowing your true mission is to do what God wants us to do (so that we can fulfill the full measure of our creation) and then grow in faith until we gain the power to do it. I think I got that from Elder Scott in a talk he gave on priorities.