10-14-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.105, Day 4

10-14-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p.105, Day 4

How do I bury my anger so I do not take it up again?  God still uses His anger but against wickedness.   I think it is more about temperance and not monotone niceness.  I was raised to think that it’s not ok to say anything negative ever, or to be angry.  We were all the time, but it carried with it a great amount of guilt.  The results were that I never learned to communicate my emotions.  I kept them all inside and didn’t know how to deal with them.  That with the combination of depression that runs in my family isolation became inevitable.  The past couple years I have been learning with my children through “Joy School”.  There is a part on emotions in there that has really help me understand a healthy way to deal with my emotions.  They said that you have to find a healthy way (meaning it doesn’t hurt anyone or anything) to get them out of you- like a steaming pot.  If the steam stays inside, it will explode.  It is a matter of channeling it in a healthy way that is important.  God does not want us to live isolated and alone.  I believe He wants me to live my life open and joyfully- joined with others in unity.  Yes, there will be times I get angry.  I’m not sure that will ever really go away.  But at least I don’t have to be reactive to my emotions.  I can temper them by taking them to the Lord and pondering my response.  I did have one idea while reading this that if I take the stimulus that makes me angry, write about it, find a way to deal with the reasons I get angry- then I may be able to find a way through acceptance to remove the stimulus of my anger. 

There is one person who has been on my mind that I need to apologize to.  I believe that the true purpose of repentance, personal and public, will reverse all the damage done through true forgiveness.  If we truly repent and receive forgiveness from God and man, then there is no more negative cycle for our actions.  Our pain is turned for our benefit.  Hopefully others will come to view us through the power of the Atonement to realize we are doing our best and forgive the rest.  But even if they don’t we can trust in the Lord and view ourselves that way, knowing that He will turn all our weaknesses into strengths.  Even if that means by trust alone, like Peter, who was made strong because of His weakness.  He still had his thorn in the flesh, but it made him depend on the Lord.  If we see ourselves through the power of the Atonement, I believe that others will eventually come to see us that way, by our choosing our actions –to be proactive and live as we believe – in stead of reacting to the way they may see us or feel about us.  And we too will see them through the power of the Atonement, so that forgiveness dominates our relationships.  Is not this loving God above all else, and loving our neighbor as ourselves?

10-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 3

10-13-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 3

Alma 7

How did Alma know what their state of righteousness was?  This was the first time he visited them, and so many times he says “I trust that you…” referring to the state of their heart.  I find this curious.  Do I trust the feelings I get when I talk to others?  I am so afraid of “judging” them that I find I don’t trust the feelings I get.  I think maybe I don’t know what to do with them.  Maybe it would be for the purpose of knowing how to help them progress- like a pre-test at school.  Just knowing where they are at so I can help them, not condemn them.  Hum.  Food for thought…

Thoughts on v. 15

Yea, I say unto you come and fear not, and lay aside every sin, which easily doth ^abeset you, which doth bind you down to destruction, yea, come and go forth, and show unto your God that ye are willing to repent of your sins and enter into a covenant with him to keep his commandments, and witness it unto him this day by going into the waters of baptism.

I remember the feeling I had four years ago when I was beginning my journey to come unto the Savior.  I had a very deep longing to be close to Him, to grow closer to Him; to let Him heal me.  At the time I read “The Dreamgiver” by Bruce Wilkinson.  I loved the part about Sanctuary.  That is exactly where I was in my life and it hit me so hard.  I was willing to change anything and everything just so I could be closer to Him.  I needed to be close to Him more than anything else. 

If we are willing to repent then we want to change.  The opposite would be being afraid of being scolded.  An invitation to repent is a chance to change so we can be more like our Savoir.  He is not rejecting us by asking us to repent.  He is not scolding us and putting us in ‘time-out’ because we have been bad.   He is inviting us closer because He wants us to be with Him, just as much as we long to be close to Him. 

I taught a lesson on Sunday in Gospel Principles class and I shared for the first time my Z model and the correlating X.  It worked surprisingly great.  I really think they saw it.  Let me see if I can explain it as it relates to this choice.

The X:

Imagine a large X in your mind or draw it on paper.  I relate the middle sections left and right of the cross-section as our path and our choice of obedience.  On the left side of the X is when we feel like we’re being compelled.  The commandments feel like restrictions that are holding us back.  We look forward in our path and see this tiny strait before us, and it is not exciting to our list of prospects.  We are obedient mostly because we fear the consequences of sin.  Here our blessings of doing the right things are greatly limited because we give not a willing heart.  At the cross-section of the X is like the eye of the needle.  As we pass through it we become changed, and our hearts are changed.  We are a new creature, born again through the grace and Atonement of our Savoir.  After humbling ourselves, and emerging from this process, we find that life looks different.  The trees look different, people look different.  We no longer feel compelled to keep the commandments and we find that they are a joy; we no longer want to be ‘somewhere else out there’ because we know that this is where we belong and where we are safe.  We know the commandments are for our benefit and not to hold us back.  On this side of the strait our view before us looks like a widening world of possibilities.  We are aware of all the blessings that God is eagerly waiting to give us and we are working toward receiving them through our faith and desires.  As we grow, our freedom continues to expand and our light and knowledge increase.  We are coming unto Christ.

19 For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness; I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God; yea, I perceive that ye are making his ^apaths straight.

10-12-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 2 (Alma 26)

10-12-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 2  (Alma 26)

Just after I did the “Inventory” as I mentioned before, I got up unplanned and asked forgiveness from the ward.  My motivation was with one person in particular whom I had tried to apologize to directly but they walked away.  To demonstrate my sincerity, I humiliated (humbled) myself in front of the whole congregation, which probably needed to happen anyway as it was directed from the Spirit. I do believe this person has forgiven me.  I have a different feeling now when I see them than I used to.  If not, at least I know I have done all I can do and it is no longer in my hands.  I think my willingness to humiliate myself shows the price I am willing to pay because of my sincerity.  If I am willing to forsake the world, or the approval of the world, for the forgiveness of one person then I have gained at least the approval of the Savoir, even if the person chooses not to forgive for the time being. 

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 1

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 105, Day 1

1 N 7:16  These people of my past who I feel hurt by certainly never laid their hands on me in real intentional anger to hurt me.  They may have hurt me with their words by teasing, but I do not now believe that they really intended to hurt me.  I think people who have been hurt, hurt others because they have been hurt.  This is the downward cycle that Christ was solving when He said to ‘love you enemies’.  By loving our enemies, it reverses this negative cycle, or at least is the seed of it. 

         :18  Nephi seems to be a ‘glutton for punishment’. j/k .  He is incredibly bold that the second after the bands are loosed off his hands and wrists in answer to his prayer of faith that he immediately stood again to talk to his brothers.  He surly was without fear of them, regardless of what they might do to them.  But because of Nephi’s faith and obedience, the Lord intervened and brought the daughters to plead in his behalf- He opened the way before Nephi like a red sea of deliverance.  Look at the results of that in v. 19 & 20.  Holy cow!  What a turn-around.  One minute they go having hearts of stone and wanting to kill Nephi, to being completely repentant to begging Nephi for forgiveness and sincerely praying to God for forgiveness.  I think that Lamen and Lemuel were not in control of themselves at all.  I think they were under the power of the adversary because of their disobedience and he had dominion over them.  The “dark dot voices” seemed to stir them up to anger and then they tried to kill Nephi because that’s what Satan wanted them to do.  Then through the faith and obedience of others, the power of the adversary was dispelled to allow Lamen and Lemuel to be under the influence of the Spirit once again.  They were tossed about because they lacked inner conviction to obey.  How sad.

In answer to her question, I am hesitating to bring up my sins of the past because I have let them go upon the alter and don’t want to re-hash what is dead.  Let me think of something in my current life…

Possibly as a parent…  Hum.   The thing that keeps coming to mind is one past offense that was not on the “Inventory”.  I guess I need to do this now.

When I wrote letters in the past to people who had offended me, it was really my intent and my desire to bring them closer to me through forgiveness, but my words conveyed hurt and pain which actually repelled them even more.  In several instances of learning to give feedback, I truly felt like I was doing what the Spirit wanted me to do… but why would He lead me to do something that would cause offense and separation?  That makes no sense to me according to my understanding of God and His dealings with us.  A thought that keeps returning is that we are here to learn ‘by our own experience the good from the evil’, like Bruce Hafen was saying in that talk the other day.  I felt justified in my actions because I thought I was following the Spirit.  But now I need to follow the Spirit and clear any offense that may exists between us from either direction.  But a relationship is half and half.  I can only do half of the work, and pray for deliverance for the other half.  I have to have hope that sooner or later they will forgive and we will be reunited at least in heart so that no ill feelings reside in our hearts and we both know it.

The other possibility is that because we are being separated by the hand of God like the Nephite and Lamenite nations because I am trying to change the traditions of my fathers in my own life, but I cannot do that if my life is so closely involved with all of their current traditions.  In this case, separation is needed.

10-11-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 104, Step 8 (last paragraph on page)

10-11-11    “He did deliver me from bondage”  p. 104, Step 8 (last paragraph on page)

I find it interesting the changes the Spirit leads us through individually as we come unto Christ.  I remember ( I think it was Elder Packer) once said that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings about in each of us the same changes.  It is an individual process, yet a collective journey.  Since hearing that idea I have wondered, “What are these specific changes?”  I wanted to recognize the pattern in the process.  As I read this paragraph I recognize that this is what I was feeling last July when I tried to go to certain people to reconcile with them.  Since I had not yet found the release from my “Inventory of my Past” worked through as part of this process, I still had not forgiven them.  So what I wanted to be an apology came out as an indictment.  Anyway, I recognize that the Spirit was leading me individually along this path of the 12-Steps.  Perhaps these 12-Steps are the common changes that happen in all of us.  Maybe there are others along this path individually on their journey to Christ that don’t yet see that it is a common path for all of us.  I long to know of the things we all have in common.  I rejoice in unity.

3 N 12:44-45 

The part of this process I am currently having trouble with is being open and loving to those who do not feel loving to me.  To truly love my enemy I know I must find a way to do this.  There have been moments when I was willing to suffer the will of the Father, to be kind in the face of ridicule… but now I feel closed toward them.  I recognized the other day that I think I am holding offense for past words from them to me.  (Which I think has been my problem all along.)  I think I need to do an “Inventory” of these things and get them out of me, recognize my part in it, and give it to God.  I don’t know how to make my heart be open when I feel hurt.  But I know as I trust in God, He will bring about this change as He does in all of us. 

10-10-11 “A Practical Approach to the Atonement: Believing in Christ” by Stephen E Robinson

10-10-11

I just listened to “A Practical Approach to the Atonement: Believing in Christ” by Stephen E Robinson.  I knew he had, and have read a long time ago, his book on this topic but I was unaware of this talk.  It is a great nutshell of his book.  I liked hearing his voice with the BYU Speeches website.  Here’s the link incase you need it:  http://speeches.byu.edu/index.php?act=viewitem&id=489

I think my favorite part was the analogy about the lifeguard.  He said that having a Savoir who we believe is the Savior of the world but that cannot save us is like having a lifeguard that cannot get out of his chair!  He just sits there and says, “Swim harder; try the backstroke.  Oh, he didn’t make it.  Too bad.”   The Parable of the Bicycle is also a classic. 

I also liked his perspective on the beatitude “Blessed are those that hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled.”  He brought out the point that it’s those who do NOT have that hunger.  Our stomachs hunger when they are empty.  We thirst when we don’t have water.  This means then that those who hunger and thirst after righteousness are those who are NOT righteous!  I had never thought of it that way before, but I see now that it’s true. 

10-9-11 “Beauty For Ashes”, by Bruce C Hafen (cont)

10-9-11    “Beauty For Ashes”, by Bruce C Hafen (cont)

In this talk He quotes one of my new-found favorite scriptures from Isaiah 61:

1 The ^aSpirit of the Lord ^bGod is upon me; because the Lord hath ^canointed me to ^dpreach ^egood tidings unto the ^fmeek; he hath sent me to ^gbind up the brokenhearted, to ^hproclaim ⁱliberty to the ^jcaptives, and the opening of the ^kprison to them that are bound;

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of ^avengeance of our God; to ^bcomfort all that ^cmourn;

3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them ^abeauty for ashes, the oil of ^bjoy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called ^ctrees of ^drighteousness, the ^eplanting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

A friend of mine showed me this scripture a month or so ago.  The vision of becoming a “tree of righteousness” has had such rich deep meaning and motivations for me.  I realized that as I become one with Christ and do the Father’s will, then the mission of Christ becomes my mission too.  I feel compelled to share my personal victory with others because of this scripture. 

… for some may simply drop out of the race, weighed down beyond the breaking point with self-doubt and spiritual fatigue.

This breaks my heart.  It makes me think of Kirk Duncan’s work with Dot People.  I am convinced that much of our self-doubt and spiritual fatigue is because we are under the dark dot voices influence and know it not.  In the last two weeks I have not been doing my Dot Affirmations and I feel this weight very literally.  I have been having much doubt about myself.  But what I think is even heavier is the doubt I have that others love me or want to hear my message.  The dark dot voices are getting me and I am going to fight back.  I will be restarting my Dot Affirmations today.

He spoke these comforting words in the context of asking his followers to develop a love pure enough to extinguish hatred, lust, and anger. His yoke is easy—but he asks for all our hearts.

This reminds me of that Colleen Harrison has been saying in “He did deliver me from bondage” about extinguishing our very desire to become angry.  It is a very slow process for me, but I do see changes happening in my life, even though my husband may not verbally recognize them.  I see them and try to focus on those victory moments. 

By analogy, criminals are not necessarily rehabilitated by serving a fixed number of years to pay their debt to society. A prison term may satisfy our sense of retribution, but real rehabilitation requires a positive process of character change.

When I was at Jury Duty last month, it brought up many questions as to what should be done to help our current system.  I believe the justice system is corrupt because the law is left too much to interpretation in an immoral society.  It is easy to make the law relative without accountability.  My thoughts on my Jury questionnaire were that the law is too lenient.  Men or women break the law because they think they can get away from having to pay the consequences- because our justice system is corrupt.  As I was reading this paragraph, I just had the thought that if I were ever in any position to do anything about this, I would see if we could find away to fix a punishment to each law.  If man’s laws are most effective when they are founded on Natural law, and that it is true that in God’s law we obtain the blessing of a specific law by obedience to that law—then could man’s law not have the same clear punishment attached to the crime?  I think this would help the would-be criminal realize that they cannot squeeze out from under the consequence, if the justice system were like a good parent who follows through to do what they say they are going to do.  In a world of my own making, the punishment and consequences might look something like this:

If you are found guilty of stealing, your hand will be chopped off.

If you are found guilty of murder, you will be put to death.

If you are found guilty of rape, you will be neutered.

In my world, there would be no delay between sentence and execution, and there would be no plea-bargains.  I have no idea if this is constitutionally sound.  I know that according to the constitution we have the right to a trial by jury, and that we are innocent until proven guilty beyond any reasonable doubt.  It would be interesting to put this idea to the test to see if it has any merit.

Alma 30: 10-11  seems to support this line of thought…  hum…