My 12 Step Journal: 09/22/11

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 3

Day 3: A prophet is willing to confess his sins in public.

“How do I think it might help others – my children for instance – to know that I too have struggled with temptations and even sins similar to the ones they struggle with?”

I have often thought about the pretentiousness that people try to portray themselves as ‘perfect’ and how it keeps us from being honest with ourselves. I think it is a lack of self-confidence that we think we have to be ‘puffed-up’ to show others we really do have worth and are important. The thing is that if we really felt that inside then we would not feel the need to show it to others. There is one way through this gate and that is through Christ.

So to answer the question:

Life is hard and we need each other’s support and love to get through it. In the past I have not really felt that from others. It is just recently that I am gaining the capacity to both give and to receive this love. I literally feel it give me power. I told a friend yesterday that because of friends it feels like I have a bungie cord around me now so that now I can jump! Showing others our true selfs, even confessing our wrongs and mistakes, shows them that a person does not become weaker in the eyes of others when we are not perfect. I can’t remember where I read it, but somewhere it said that these qualities make us endearing to others and they love us more because of it. We all know we are ALL not perfect, yet we insist on putting on this Sherrod. There is a perception of reality that is projected when we do this. CS Lewis described it as the Inner Ring. Lehi described it as those in the great and spacious building laughing and mocking so that others felt ashamed. It is real and we live it. When we are honest with our selves and others in openly admitting our mistakes, we show others that we know we are not perfect. We show our children that it’s ok to make mistakes, and that we can learn from them. They then feel no need to play the game of the Inner Ring because we have truly let it go. If my children know that I have struggled with the same challenges they struggle with, I think they will listen to me more knowing that I have overcome them and can help them to overcome them too. They will see me as real and genuine.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p.71-72, Day 2

How does our willingness to confess our mistakes to another person demonstrate the sincerity of our repentance?

We honestly acknowledge our wrong, and want to change. As I learned last night from a book called “Unconditional Love” by Melvin Fish, If it is in the past our mistakes don’t matter except what we can learn from them. It is over.” (Love sandwich p. 44)

8-31-11 Inventory p. a-26 to a-33

8-31-11

I have finished the inventory. It’s all there. I can’t think of anything else that I have missed. I feel the details are too personal to share, not because I’m trying to hide them but because I would not want it to hurt anyone in my past.

I went through my list and realized that there are a lot of things that others have done to hurt me and I have held onto them. I never gave them to the Savoir. I didn’t allow Him to heal me. I can trust Him with it now, all of it.

A couple thoughts from the inventory are:

Love from siblings cannot replace the love and acceptance from parents. I will spend more 1-on-1 time with my children. I will start the habit now, become consistent and loyal to the relationship. Make it a time they look forward to and know that they can count on. These will safe-guard for the cross-roads of the teen-years. I will try testing each of the love languages to see what matters to them. I will ask in prayer the “1 thing” I can do now to develop the relationship.
I see here all the wrongs that have been done to me and that I held resentment. I cannot change others actions but I can be meek, and let it go. I will return good for evil, and forgive – allowing Christ’s atonement to have power over me and others.
The last and possibly most important thing that I saw was my choice in the whole matter. I was hurt by others, but because of my fear of not being accepted by others I created that reality. I chose it. Now I can see my responsibility in the whole of the circumstances and what I did to cause it. Now I am free.

I listen to Hilary Weeks: Just Let me Cry. I held this inventory in my hands as I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father, knowing He understands everything I cannot say. I told him of all the pain others have caused me, either knowing our unknowingly. I showed Him all my dark corners and the hurt inside my heart. I gave it all to him. I know he understands. I know he is there.

I listened to Hilary Weeks: Take me there. I literally laid my papers down as if on an Alter. I felt the angels standing in a circle around me, giving their love and support so I could let this all go. He answered back and took away the entire burden. He is holding it and will do as he sees fit with it. He knows my whole heart and I hide nothing from Him. He will do the best thing for everyone and help them learn too. I am finally at peace. The past truly casts no more shadows. (Hilary Weeks song) The past is now in the past. It is finished. Now the only debt is my debt of gratitude.

8-30-11

I haven’t been writing in the computer lately because I have been working on the “Inventory exercise of my past”. I am ready to let this go.

I had an amazing visit with a friend today. She had a dream about me last night and came today to tell me about it. She said she was trying to help me but I kept closing off to her. She has an amazing gift to see the unspoken pains in the human heart because of the lifetime of abuse that she has been through. She is a miracle. Really, she is. She should have died in vitro because of all the abuse her mother suffered. Her life is not only a miracle, but her love is too. She has learned from her mother the true power of forgiveness, and she was trying to teach that to me today. There is much I have to learn, but I feel that when I figure out this puzzle piece, it will all fit in – and then I will finally be able to let it all go.

Thank you Seniada! (name used with permission) You are my angel of deliverance to tell me what I lacked power to believe. You are a miracle to me.

8-19-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 68

I will no longer droop in sin. I have laid my heart open to God. I thought I wouldn’t be able to be open to see all my sins at once. I thought that I had to grow in maturity (p. 68). Speaking of the ‘the phenomenon of denial’ she says:

“Denial is a coping mechanism that we use when we are physically, emotionally and spiritually too immature, too small and too childish to see an honest way out of our situation. We resort to it when we thought we were disconnected from the loving protection and guidance of God’s power, and we didn’t know any other way to get through than to pretend, to deny, to lie to ourselves and others.”

When I read this it hit me square between the eyes. I felt like a child: that if God would hold my hand I could be brave enough to see all my sins at once. I do want to be clean truly and deeply; every whit.

p.69 “That’s because weaknesses are weaknesses only until they are turned into strengths, and sins are only sins until they become the stepping stones upon which we learn, repent and mount to godhood. Sin… is part of the Father’s plan. Our mistakes can be our greatest benefactors, as soon as we allow them to be our greatest teachers.”

I think it has taken me 37 years of my life (all of my life to this point) to become humble enough to learn. I have had this feeling the last couple of days that I need to learn more intently from the Spirit in the way described here. I have felt this determination to take all the garbage Satan gives to me and use it against him for my gain and his destruction. This is my answer. I need to record more what is happening so I can look at it objectively, now that I’m really honest with myself enough so that I can. There is something very liberating in the acceptance process: to accept my current reality and figure out exactly what I need to do to change me to be able to create my desired reality. You can’t know how to get to where you want to go until you know exactly where you are.

Side note: By the way I think I should say that I read in “As a man thinketh” the other day in the introduction that he said ‘it is suggestive rather than explanatory. I think in my writing in the past I have been explanatory, assuming I have something to teach (when I really have not yet learned). We each learn our own lessons from God. That is the only true way these lessons can be written on our hearts, through the Spirit. In the future my writings will be more to myself, for myself, and less explanatory. It will require translation through the Spirit if anyone else is to learn anything from them.

Note to author Coleen Harrison:

I LOVE THIS BOOK! ! ! I love hearing her views of the scriptures and how to apply them in my thinking. I feel inside that I am changing, and this change of the heart will change the way I do everything I do. I have yearned for this. Thank you for helping me to find this real change from the inside out.

8-16-11

Speaking of confessing my sins, there was something disturbing that hit me tonight. I was looking at my children and observed to myself how they are unwilling to be obedient. I heard Kirk Duncan talking to me in my head and he said, ‘The reason your children are not obeying you is because they don’t trust you; you lack a trusting relationship with them. Relationships make everything better, especially obedience.’ The Spirit was trying to teach me patience as I thought about “Inspire, not require”. I totally lack the leadership skills for this, but I am slowly learning. My question is, How do I honestly evaluate the level of trust I have with my children? Beating myself up about not having it will not help me get it. So where am I and how do I get better? After listening to Kirk Duncan, I feel the root of the answer lies in charity through true listening. I am so self-absorbed most of the time that I do not truly listen to what others are saying as from their context, instead of mine. How do I shut off my internal interference (static)? I want to become better at this, but I am waiting for the Spirit to teach my heart so I can change slowly and permanently from the inside out. One of the things I admire most about Kirk Duncan is his ability to believe in people. No matter where they are, he’s sees them for their potential and understands their pain. He does not judge their current circumstances; he listens and asks questions. He keeps asking because he makes no final decisions.

I thought of a cool context to share from today. That when I finally get to the point of giving seminars like I have dreamed of all my life that I will give an intro like this:
Let me just start off today with a little bit about why I ‘m here, and why I’m not here. I’m not here to tell you what to do or how YOU need to change your life. That is between you and God. I am here to live my mission, which part of it that I know is to share with others as I learn. I am here to share with you because this was my dream as I was going through the pain. The hope of being with you here today; the hope of being able to help someone because of the lessons I had learned and the pain I understand has been the source of motivation and the light to me in my darkness. In part, I owe you my gratitude for being my hope. But the real credit and glory belongs to the only one who can pull us out of our pit; the One who is mighty to save, even Jesus Christ. It is because of Him, and only by Him, that I made it through.

8-15-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 61, day 4

The levels: thoughts, words, and deeds. They must progress sequentially through, from first to last. If we are not aware of this process within us, then we are not watching and are asleep. (Mark 14:37)

I try to watch my thoughts. I know it is the seed of action. I just listened to “As a man thinketh” ch 1 on character. What we allow our thoughts to dwell on is the harvest we will receive. I am learning now to focus my mind on my vision and let go of the problems, which I believe is the solution to the problems not a distraction or avoidance of them. There are many sources that teach us to watch our thoughts. I have learned to communicate with the Holy Ghost through this process. Writing these thoughts down amplifies the power into words becoming more than just a thought. We can see and hear words. Our thoughts become audible and real; things that we were unaware of then come to light. We can examine our mental cycles or find weeds as we see them in words visually. Our thinking is what causes our problems. Our thinking is what can solve our problems only if we increase our level of thinking. We cannot analyze problems through a thinking process because that is the source of the problem. We need to write down our thoughts to be able to take a step back and examine them objectively.

My sins yesterday were:

Thoughts:

being selfishly impatient putting my needs over the needs of others and getting impatient and angry
Lack of benevolence in wanting good for others

Words

Yelling at my children, being too harsh or too loud in my correction
Frustration (lack of faith) in knowing how to get them to do what they are supposed to do

Action

Spanking with anger (lack of charity)

My successes yesterday were:

Being happy in the morning and getting to Stake Conference on time to hear Elder Cook.
Continually pressing forward in patience to find the next solution at Stake Conference that would hold the children’s attention, with love and patience. I kept the Spirit with me there.
Kept failing forward & kept trying to focus on the Savoir

One of my feelings yesterday was that I completely recognized that I am a wretch. I know that I am hard to live with and my current state of being is sometimes unlovable. This does not mean I am worthless. My actions are out of alignment with who I want to be and this causes me pain. If I focus on this, then I get angry and it gets worse. I also know that even though I am a wretch, the Savoir can cover my wretchedness with His power even though I am undeserving. He can still help me be an instrument in His hands. He can bless me to know how to serve and help others, which is the solution to helping me overcome my selfishness and anger. I know my current state of being is temporary; I am growing and changing and am in the midst of a metamorphosis. As I give all to Him, He CAN and IS making me able. His atonement covers all my wretchedness and will be eventually concentrated for my benefit and the benefit of my children. This does not mean I indulge in it and succumb to it. I fight against it, but at the same time I accept it. I can only do the best I can do in today and wait for the Lord to change my state of “be”.