9-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

9-26-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 3

In answer to her question, of course it’s right and necessary to ask God to change our hearts.  There is no other way we can be truly changed. 

Mosiah 5, verse 2:

which has wrought a mighty ^achange in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do ^bevil, but to do good continually.

I am starting to see that it is really not a matter of how good we are, but how much good we DO.  If we have been changed, deeply and truly, then we will bring forth fruits; actions just not intent.  This to me means living my mission and doing those things that will be hard for me to do, but that He has shown me are possible.  Because of this book, and the power of God, I do feel like my heart has “wrought a mighty change and I have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”  But the thing that is stopping me from moving forward isn’t my disposition or intent to do them, it’s the negative voices in my head that tell me I’m not doing enough or not good enough.  They try to get me down and trying to keep me from breaking free.  Yes, I am free from my pit. But now it’s time to truly show I’m free and spread my wings to fly. 

The thing that is most curious to me is that Mosiah is teaching us how to live an abundant life: to always rejoice and retain a remission of our sins.  This means that these cycles are not required; I do not have to suffer under them as a victim but I can rise above them.  Through this power I can always rejoice.  There is definitely something more here I need to learn how to do.  These are the things he says to always remember in order to achieve this state of mind:

Mosiah 4:11

• The Greatness of God
• Your own nothingness
• His goodness and long-suffering toward me, an unworthy creature
• Humble yourselves even to the depths of humility praying daily
• Standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come

If we do these things, then the promise is:

12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the ^alove of God, and always ^bretain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the ^cknowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

Alma Ch. 5: 6

• Sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers
• God’s mercy and long-suffering towards them
• That He hath delivered them from hell

I want to get out from under these cycles and move forward to my vision.  I don’t know how much of that desire is realistic.  Part of me says that it’s a part of life to accept.  Another part of me hopes in this scripture that someday this may not always be the case.

9-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

9-25-11    “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 2

Mosiah 4

The way I pray without sincerity for forgiveness seems to go in cycles.  Right now I am seeing it in family prayers with children.  It used to be my goal to cry every day during morning scripture study, to try to cultivate a soft and tender heart.  I think I have forgotten that.  I have been doing a lot better since I read Mel Fish’s book, “Unconditional Love”.  That really sunk in. 

Am I showing the children how to pray sincerely for forgiveness? 

After yesterday morning’s study I was thinking about sincere forgiveness throughout the day.  I realized I need to do better at showing the children how to ask for forgiveness more sincerely.  Then after I got angry in the morning at one of my girls, I had the perfect opportunity.  She was so sweet, and quick to forgive.  I was completely sincere and even cried a little as I told her that I was sorry.  It was a sweet moment, and asking for her forgiveness disarmed her ornery attitude. 

It feels like I am just holding on until I can get to General Conference next week.  I need it so badly.

"He did deliver me from bondage" p.93, day 1

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 93, day 1

1 N 14:1

1 And it shall come to pass, that if the ^aGentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in ^bpower, in very deed, unto the ^ctaking away of their ^dstumbling blocks—

What strikes me about this is the taking away of stumbling blocks.  I feel like I have been working my way through a swamp lately, or trying to move forward in a car with square wheels.  Getting my mission in motion is SO hard!  I am having to break through many comfort zones.  I have hope that once things are in motion the resistance will decrease, but at the same time I know the resistance will always be matched to my strength just as a weight lifter needs to increase his resistance to get stronger. 

No answers today, only questions…

 

As I was working in the kitchen this morning, the word “Arizona” triggered a guilty memory.   I used to have a friend who was very good to me.  For the 10 years of our friendship she accepted me and loved me when I felt like no one else did.  One of the ways she used to show me that she loved me was in giving gifts.  She gave me things all the time- birthdays Christmas and sometimes just because.  But gift giving is a very difficult thing for me I still have not worked through even to this day.  I was not raised with giving gifts (for birthdays or otherwise) because we were so poor.  Come to think of it- my best friend growing up also did the same thing.  In each case it seems that they gave and gave and gave without reciprocation until they had nothing left to give – then they walked away.  They might say it was other reasons.  I know it wasn’t really about the gifts per say, but about the reciprocation of love.  I was empty and did not know how to give.  I was broken and could not give love I had not received or believed was real from God. 

I am truly a different person today.  I may still have some of the same weaknesses, but at least I am learning to let go of some of my selfishness to be able to reciprocate the love that others give me.  I am seeing some results that others feel loved, and it is making all the difference.

So to these two amazing women, somewhere out there, please know that I am sincerely sorry.  I’m sorry that I didn’t love you as you loved me.  I’m sorry that I lived out of my victim-ness and reactive paradigms.  Please forgive me.  I love you.  The past doesn’t matter except what we can learn from it.  I love you.

9-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

9-24-11                     “He did deliver me from bondage” 93 (Intro to step 7)

Alma 38  Verse 5 strikes me this morning:

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your ^atrust in God even so much ye shall be ^bdelivered out of your trials, and your ^ctroubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

Something in my learning path is helping me see right now how to focus on the solution to be able to see that no amount of ‘beating myself up’ about all the things that I lack will do any good.  (I define good as those things we do that bring us closer to Christ.)  This is the scripture that I need to trust right now. 

How do we put our trust in God?  The inventory worked so completely that I still have no more guilt of my past.  I could be wrong and being prideful, but I feel I have received a remission of my sins.

Last night right before bed as I was praying I got up to write down an idea that came to me.  I wrote:

I am curious of the phenomenon regarding the degree to which we love those in the 3 different circles of influence: Spouse, children, and others.  You’ve probably heard the saying (or noticed in your own life) that it’s hardest to show love and be patient to those ‘we love the most’, or that we’re closest to.  Most of the time, it’s easy to be nice to our neighbors; harder to be nice to our kids; and hardest to be nice to our spouse.

Why is it I seem to feel a greater desire to serve those outside my home than in?  Am I being like Naham again and trying to do ‘some great thing’?  Is this out of alignment?  Where is the balance between being an example of service and serving my kids?  There seems to be something I am missing. 

If in my life I am striving to be mission focused, how much of that focus should be on doing ‘good being anxiously engaged in a good cause’ in moving forward with my mission verses how much focus needs to be on improving the relationships in my home.  I think I need to reassess.  I’m not beating myself up, I just think I need to work on home a little more intently, -for no other success will compensate for failure in the home. 

I am trapped between the desire to want to SHOW my children how to live their missions and move past my comfort zones, and the need to love them and bring them with me.  I don’t feel like I’m explaining this very well.  Maybe I shouldn’t explain at all…  If you get it you get it.