My 12 Step Journal: 12/21/11

12-20-22 and 12-21-11 Step 12, Day 1

I love the idea that in v.8 Enos was given ‘passage’ to go because his faith had made him whole, but he wanted to stay so he could pray over the ‘welfare of his brethren’.

It fills me with wonder that Enos had so much charity for his enemies, even though they were too blood thirsty in his generation to receive the gospel, that he would pray with so much desire and faith as to bind the Lord to preserve the records for their future posterity.

“How has coming to know the goodness and mercy of God affected your desire to share these truths with others?”

I’m not sure I can pinpoint all the stepping stones along the way. I have to work harder to look at the pieces of the whole but most the time everything just seems to flow in and out of the other. For me it has been in the overall reflection of the person I AM, from the end to the beginning. The best way I know how to communicate it is with the two images that represent first the person I used to be, and second, the person I want to become. (My computer drafting skills are limited, so I’ll describe them.)

The first image is of a stick man inside a box. He is closed off, or should I say she? When I was in the state of being, I was so fearful of what others thought or of being rejected that I didn’t even share with my husband the thoughts and feelings of my heart. I thought mostly about myself, and more often than not I was in a state of self-deception where my emotions were lies because my thoughts we lies. My world-view was so warped that everything that came through the filter of my perception got tainted and warped. When I saw others, or interpreted their actions, it was like the funny mirrors in a fun house. They were a reflection of my reality, but not of the truth. I think it important here to note that I believe that reality is of our own making. We create our reality through our thoughts and beliefs and they come back to us in the form of events and circumstances. I used to believe that I was a victim to those circumstances and that I had no choices. That is a lie. This image is a reflection of the total state of BE and belongs on the left side of the Z model.

The second image is of course opposite to that, positioned in my mind on the right side of the Z model. It is an image of a person with representational light ray shooting out from him like an aura or energy field around their body. This person is service focused: they have worked to become an asset with a great ability to give. I heard a quote the other day that our worth lies not in the value that we have, but in our ability to give. This person is mission focused and faith driven. They are focused on creating the reality around them that they want to see. They are compassionate, Christ-centered, and service oriented. They give without regard for return. Their ultimate desire is to glorify God and do His will in their lives. They want to fulfill their stewardships with honor and strive to do their absolute best. They are filled with light and truth. Their perceptions are clear. They see things through the eyes of truth: to see things as they really are. Their light shines forth to others as a beacon in the darkness of the world.

So to answer her question: in the first state, my desire and ability to share with others the most vulnerable part of myself (my thoughts and feelings) was not possible. I was guarded and afraid. In the second state, I feel like I can give freely, even if others decide to ridicule or reject me. It doesn’t matter because I rely on God’s approval more than man’s opinions. I figure if I write a book and He is the only one that approves, then I have been successful at writing it- which ironically enough I started to do last night.

I have known for some time that there is a book (or two) inside of me and I need to get it out. Last night I watched a documentary movie of Anne Lamott and she said that if I don’t get it out of me then it’s going to make me sick. I don’t know why, but her words inspired me and took some of the perfectionism out of me, which had me frozen in paralysis. I just decided to write badly- instead of trying to write a classic I think worthy of repeated study. I think there is a lie inside me that I don’t want to write poor stuff. You know the saying that ‘if it’s worth doing, then it’s worth doing well’. Well, my desire to write my Magnus opium (as Charlotte’s Webb would say) is keeping me from even getting started. So I just have to throw it up, and then I’ll clean up the mess later. (nice analogy huh?) I really like what she said last night. She said that a person’s first draft usually is really bad, and then it is the work of creativity to chip away, like Michael Angelo with the “David”, all the extra stuff that is not what you want it to communicate. I think for me it is a matter of getting it into alignment until it clearly expresses what I feel and what I mean to say, so that at least other people can understand my perspective, even if they still hold to their own.

So my bad writing career has begun. C'est la vie! Come what may.

12-20-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.157 Conclusion

I like this final quote by Benson:

“May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed FOR Him, captained BY Him, consumed IN Him, and born again.”

I think that about says it all.

12-17-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.155

“Revelation seldom brings popularity…

This fear of other people’s opinion or choices is the phenomenon currently known as ‘codependency.’ “

Hum. I never understood that before. I thought codependency was… well I can’t really explain it but this is such a great definition! I have studied CS Lewis “The Inner Ring” and I believe these are one in the same, but he never connected it to codependency. That is so cool.

I once heard of a woman who was gaining great popularity from her revelations. She would get up in the morning and ‘write pages and pages’ of things she learned in the night. While this is all fine and well and a common element in the path of learning to communicate with the Spirit and find our personal mission, the fact that I was hearing this story disturbed me. They made it sound so mystical and ‘ooo-ing’. I wondered at her motivations in telling others of her revelations and hoped for her that she didn’t loose them because she was may be seeking popularity in receiving them.

I have often found that the path of discipleship and learning to be obedient to the Spirit will in fact intentionally lead us and test us to do things that would make us ‘unpopular’ in the eyes of some. In my path, this has been part of my test of obedience to see if I ‘fear God or man’. I have been led to do things that have tested my heart directly to let go of this codependency.

I agree with her that it is the strongest in families. The funny thing I find is that as I change how I see myself I change this. But when I get around those people from my past, when I saw myself as something less, then my psyche starts to reshape and conform to my old self. I remember the feelings I used to have about myself when I see them. Like yesterday, we went to see someone I have not seen in 5 years: Teren delivery Doctor. Teren turned 5 years old a few weeks ago and for her birthday we were telling her the story of her birth. When we told her ‘after you finally decided to come out, you came out so fast the Doctor couldn’t get his shirt on fast enough and Daddy had to catch you’ she decided that we had to meet this man. It was fun to see him because he is such an amazing man, so enthusiastic, but it reminded me of the way I used to feel about myself when I saw him 5 years ago. It helped me to realize how much I have changed.

One way that I overcame this with a friend I recently became reacquainted with was that I told her,

‘when you last saw me, it was in my previous life’. It really does feel like a dream when I think of who I was when I saw her last. With her I have transformed my interactions with her. It’s not always that easy. I guess maybe it depends on how strong this codependency is. With my immediate family it is the strongest.

My sister once explained changing this process, something she read from a psychology book, to be like a partner dance. Two people in a family relationship get used to dancing the same old routine and reacting to the other in the usual ways (this is all unconsciously). Then if one of you decides to change the dance routine it upsets the dance because the other one no longer knows ‘the steps’. They feel out of sync because you have changed and it takes them a while to adjust to the new dance. It is especially hard because the natural man detests ‘change’, even if it does lead to a better end. The natural man would rather say sitting back comfortable and cozy. It is not as painful as I once thought it would be to get uncomfortable and change me. I find that ‘sitting back’ is really the lie and keeps me from becoming who I want to be. Now I want more to change and become like my Savoir than I want to stay comfortable.

‘even if in response they choose to become angry or detach themselves from us.’

I have pondered much on the ‘separation’ of my family. I have always wanted us to be closer, but recently I have come to understand the necessity of the separation. With so many ‘evil traditions’ that we were handed down, we each have separated ourselves to different degrees in order to overcome this codependency- it almost has been necessary for each of us to be separated from each other in order to find our own way in our new lives. It is painful to me, but I have hope that one day we will be reunited in Christ after we each have found healing in Him.

12-15-11 "He did deliver me from bondage", p. 154

12-15-11

I was thinking about ‘being perfected in Him’ yesterday. As I was doing my chores, in the back of my mind I was examining my self-expectations. It seems that my idea of being perfect is being highly competent; being able to independently run a well flowing household all by myself; to be able to accomplish all the good intentions I have. I supposed that if I were as ‘perfect’ as I wanted to be than I might not need anyone else to help me. I know this idea is contrary to my mission of creating synergy. People don’t necessarily become interdependent because they are completely self-independent, do they? I mean, don’t they have a NEED to become interdependent because they want to accomplish something they can’t do on their own? If I have a NEED then it’s an unmet need; an aching pain; a pressing concern, right? So that means that God cannot grant me all of this desire to become all that I want to be, because He has bigger plans in mind. So the thought that was so awesome to me was that this is / was my idea of ‘becoming perfect’; or ‘becoming perfected’ in MY eyes. But what does it mean from his perspective? In HIS eyes? He IS the one saying it, so we need to think of what He is saying from His perspective. If Jesus Christ is inviting us to become ‘perfected IN Him’ then what that is saying to me is that He is simply asking me to trust Him and live my life through the power of His Atonement. He is asking me to believe and trust that mathematically speaking,

my –(negative)1 (or -1000) + infinity still = infinity.

He is asking me to trust that the Atonement CAN cover my weaknesses and that I WILL reap the harvest in the end. I imagine the invitation to ‘come and be perfected in Him’ to be like going into a pool of clean pure water that can wash away all my ugliness and impurities. (idea from The Dream Giver) He is simply asking me to enter the waters, trusting the Holy Ghost WILL lead me in all things I need to do. I think my hardest thing with that is that I want to see the whole vision all at once. There is a Hymn that called “Abide with me, Tis even tide” that says ‘one step enough for me’. I’m sorry, but it is not enough for me. I HAVE to see the vision of where I am going. My being able to over come all the little petty things that don’t really matter; all my hope of getting out of present circumstances to the vision I want to create for my life; All my hope rests on it! and if I can’t see that vision, then I can’t have hope in it. It is the hope of the harvest- I have to hold it in my heart in order to keep going. It is what fuels me and keeps me going. I have to see the horizon or else my airplane is going to crash!

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 154

“And above all, trust and believe in the Savior’s willingness to help your unbelief.”

Oh this is so beautiful. I have felt this. I know He can transform our unbelief into faith to move mountains. I grew up with the idea that others didn’t love me and they didn’t want to help me. Getting to a place for me to believe that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ really wanted to help me and loved me was HUGE for me. Having that reassurance, I think, has been the seed of me finding within me the power to overcome all that I have. It has made all the difference.

“No more will we be able to ignore or deny that God has power enough to heal and repair and redeem even us. This is the most central and personal revelation we can ever receive from God. He will carry us home, like lost and weary lambs, in His own bosom if we will stop running from the truth in our lives.”

12-14-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.150-

p.153 Talking about a false idea she had of prayer, Colleen said,

“I thought you just did this prayer thing—and then you got up and stumbled on, as confused and lost as before, hoping an answer would eventually come along and hit you over the head.”

I studied a talk before called “Prayer” by Chauncey C Riddle a while ago. http://lds.org/ensign/1975/03/prayer?lang=eng&query=prayer+chauncey+riddle

I say study because it’s really deep. I had to work hard to ‘get’ just part of it. I have read it several times and I find it very appropriate to discuss here.

I think that our intensity of prayer is all part of the ‘ebb and flow’ process of learning and growing. It’s always good to re-check where we’re at and see how we can do better. After reading Colleen’s quote I wondered if I have not been doing this lately. It reminded me of a time when I used to take a pen and paper with me to pray and I’d write down the answers I heard. I don’t think I have been that intense recently. I think I have been more waiting for the answers to ‘konk me over the head’. It seems lately I’ve been doing more of the ‘stumbling around’ kind of dance. This is definitely a timely reminder for me.

“Today, though, I have come to realize that prayer and meditation (or pondering) are two sides of the same coin… whether we use a form of traditional meditation or do something to focus our attention and thoughts, such as studying the scriptures or writing in our journals, we are actually opening a channel of communication involving all three members of the Godhead…”

That’s it! I knew writing was important to me, but I never knew it was ‘a form of meditation’ where I ‘open a channel of communication to all three members of the Godhead”! Wow! That is cool!!! It seems like the prayer with a pen and paper is more direct, but in forgetting to do that lately the answers have not been so obvious to me; “more like a whisper”. (Hilary Weeks song) When I was fasting last Sunday, it seems I wanted clear answers. Maybe this is what I need to do to make the answers more obvious and clear.

p.154 Coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him

Oh, this reminds me! I had the coolest thought the other day that I haven’t written down yet. I was doing the dishes and thinking about the way God works in my life. It is reflected in the quote by Benson where he says that ‘Man’s answer is to take the men out of the slums. God’s answer is to take the slums out of men. God works from the inside out.’ Then I had the visual of the ‘bull’s eye’ dart board go through my mind representing the three different sphere’s of stewardship I have in my life: to change me, to serve my family, and help my community. Then the thought went through my mind again “God works from the inside out. The natural man works from the outside in.” Oh, how dangerously tempting it is for us to work from the outside in! It’s easier to tell others how they need to change and it’s easier to imbalance my life trying to ‘save the world’ before I have changed myself of served my family. The reason why this is so important to me is that God has told me that my greatest impact in life will be THROUGH my stewardship as a Mother. For me the bull’s eye becomes a “and” instead of a weights and balance scale of either / or. I don’t know the whole of it, but I know that I must work from the inside out, or my life will amount to little or nothing.

12-13-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.149

So how do we ‘show up for class (life)’ every morning?

“You take the first three steps every morning of your life. (1) I’m powerless to know the right things to do this day, but (2) God knows exactly what the right thing is for me and for everyone, so (3) I’ll turn m y will and my life over to Him and trust in Him in all things this day—including His power to direct my life.”

I am confused between the power to submit to do the will of the Lord in my personal sphere, and the steps necessary to become an instrument to influence others (in regards to leadership) in the third sphere. I have a friend who lives this way (in following these steps as prescribed) and she lives only in her own sphere of example. She says that she can only live her life and be an example, allowing others to be who they are, but she doesn’t try to influence them to become something more. Christ said that after we do these things then teach them to others. If a person applies the Atonement in their own life and does not then go out and share with others the light they have, are they really following the Savoir? Maybe that’s not what she’s talking about here. I don’t know. Maybe I have an incorrect picture of influence and leadership.

“I will pray only for a knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.”

I understand the necessity of not seeking to control others. When we share the light of Christ, we invite and do not push toward that light. For me it seems like learning the same pattern like the Brother of Jared did in his mentorship with the Lord. Ether 2:16-18 seems to be this first kind of submission she is talking about in the book here. Then it goes forward to a new learning process. When he was on the mountain praying what to do about the problems at first the Lord gave him the answer. Just gave it to him. (v.20) Because he had learned steps 1-3 as discussed here he was obedient and did exactly as he was commanded. (v.21) Then the Lord started asking questions to help him think through the problem solving process. (v.22-25) He wanted Mohonri Moriancumer to learn to think for himself. As first he felt completely incapable to even consider answers before the Lord. Finally after going home and taking action on his idea, he presented the Lord with the idea of his solution and asked the Lord to touch the stones. (Ether 3) He was the reason they did not have to travel for (almost) a year in darkness, because the Brother of Jared learned to work in interdependence with the Lord. It was not this idea of complete submission and willingness to do whatever the Lord wanted him to do. Like a friend told me the other day, “I am not in the drivers seat, He is.” Certainly it began that way, but after that it grew into a yoked relationship with both him and the Lord pulling an equal share of the weight. Isn’t that what the Lord wants for us? Isn’t that how we can reach our full potential?

It is interesting to note that Ether 4: 1-7 and in the chapter heading it says that the sealed part of that Moroni wrote about the Brother of Jared cannot be revealed until WE have faith just as he did. To me is not IF, it is WHEN. This is what we need to do to prepare for the Second Coming. Who’s with me?

12-12-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 148

(Hel 3:35) I fasted and prayed yesterday. I feel there is something the Lord needs to tell me but I am not prepared to receive it. I wanted to fast to prepare myself. I have asked to know what I need to do and am still waiting for my answer. There was no unusual experiences yesterday. I am praying for my ‘eyes’ to be opened so that I can see the path I need to take so I can make a Master plan for our education in the next 10 year tunnel (like an obstacle course). I do feel like that because I fasted that the door is opened. I am still waiting for … something. Sometimes in my reaching seems I want to know the end from the beginning… Yet I know that He will give me just what I need for right now. I need to learn to trust that more. Perhaps when I come across the sources or scriptures I need I will now be prepared to understand them.

Hum. This is interesting:

“It isn’t the events of this life that make it a trial, a confusing mystery; it’s having our “faces covered.” The obstacles on this course don’t make us stumble, fall, crash, and burn, over and over—it’s trying to negotiate the course blindfolded that does it.”

Wow. How appropriate this is for exactly where I am right now. I love the analogy of ‘stumbling around half-asleep’. Can you imagine how dangerous and likely fatal that would be to be going through a Hercules-type obstacle course asleep, or even half asleep?

“…will never lack for what to do…” (Alma 32) Maybe I do know what to do. It’s not as bright as I’d like it to be but that’s the whole point. If I knew the end from the beginning then I wouldn’t have to have faith that the next step was leading me in the right direction. Maybe it’s like Hilary Week’s song “More like a Whisper”. Maybe I just need to trust that the Holy Ghost will fill my mouth in the ‘very moment’ of need and He will tell me ‘all things I need to do’ when I need to do them. It IS wisdom in God. I DO tend to get overwhelmed quite easily. It is His mercy that gives me just what I need when I need it, and withholds all the ‘manna’ needed to travel 40 years. Could you imagine trying to pack food as a wanderer in the wilderness, enough for 40 years? It is mercy and grace that gives me just what I need when I need it.

2N 32:9

But behold, I say unto you that ye must ^apray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall ^bpray unto the Father in the ^cname of Christ, that he will ^dconsecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the ^ewelfare of thy soul.

I think this describes articulately where I’m at. I just want to make sure I am doing HIS will and not mine alone. Maybe they are unified enough now that it’s becoming hard to tell the difference, at least in the big things. I see gross errors in the little things day to day. I sometimes abhor my own actions, but then I try to remember to pray for strength and trust in the Atonement. God is Good!

I have same that feeling of Simple in the book of “The Dream Giver” when after he has a victory and he wanted to build a monument in memory of the goodness of The Dream Giver. I want to give glory to God and shout His praises.

12-11-11 Continued…

I think if I had more power to believe ‘the voice of the Lord in my own mind’ then I would have more conviction to obey. Sometimes I don’t do and follow because I second guess my self and question (wonder or doubt) if it is really coming from the Lord. If I just knew for sure that it was Him, I’d like to think then I’d for sure do it without question.

I love the thought that we get delivered OUT of our addiction and INTO ‘conscious contact with God’. I also love that (p.143)

“By taking these steps and practicing these principles in our lives, we are doing ‘all that we can do’ to … cleanse the ‘inner vessel’ and thus become a fit companion for the Holy Ghost.”

Oh, that all members of the Church would take this class! I guess sooner or later the church house will be cleansed. As she says, “It is required of everyone sooner or later.” It is inevitable if they want to make it home… I will cherish the day. Of course it is likely that it is just be me who needs to live these steps better… This is my change them disease.

I love the end of Faust quote (on p. 144) where he says, “We may not feel a closeness with Him because we think of Him as being far away, or our relationship may not be sanctifying because we do not think of Him as a real person.” I said ‘a real person’ over and over to myself as I read this. There is more here than I can now comprehend. This is one I need to ponder on.

“…wanting only what God can provide” Oh how I have felt this! I love the line about “victory over our worse enemies (our character weaknesses) – not by killing them, but by allowing the Lord to convert them into strengths.” I love that this is how the Lord works. We first gain victory over self, then help our families as a team, then as a family team help others. It is my hope that in a day yet to come that the ‘enemies’ of our nation can be turned into friends by converting them to the truth in the same way we win freedom over self.

(p. 146) I love the phrase ‘to use the scriptures’! I think in my habit of reading the scriptures, I have become consistent about doing it. Regarding learning to ‘council with the Lord in all things’, I think I have a greater need to turn to the scriptures in order to solve my problems. The first two conference talks this last General Conference were about solving problems in the Lord. It is an application tool that I feel will lift me higher to a more solid ground.

(p.148) “We are no longer simply in the Saturday evening of time; we are entering the darkest period know on earth-- the dark before the dawn. We need not be in despair, however, if we walk in the light and with the light, even Christ.”

I cried when I read this. It is so true. We as a nation have turned our backs on God. Men are turning to their baseness and gross iniquity abounds. As we talked about the Signs of the Second Coming in last week’s Gospel Doctrine class I remembered that Christ compared this process to the pregnancy of a mother. I know that they must be to fulfill all things. Another sister also pointed out the juxtaposition of the bright youth that are coming. They are born for this. It is an amazing time in history to live.

12-9-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 142 Step 11

“… as I learn to receive and BELIEVE the voice of the Lord in my own mind.”

I want to grow in my power to believe. I was listening last night to a talk by Ty Bennett on “The Power of Belief”. He has a book out by the same title. I think he has a good handle on the psychology of belief. It helped me a lot.

12-8-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 140, Day 7

I like these words “state of surrender”.

12-9-11 I was thinking about ‘recording how many times I think about Jesus’ last night as I was brushing my teeth. I admit I have not yet done this. Our lesson last Sunday in Relief Society had a story about a teenage girl who was having trouble feeling joy in life. She talked to a mentor / friend who suggested she go throughout her next day as if Jesus were standing by her. As she did, she found that she was sweet to people instead of crabby, and she found ways to serve and lift others which made her happier. My thought last night was that I don’t think I can separate my thoughts anymore into ones that are about Jesus and ones that are not. He is too permeated in everything I do. But it seems that if that were the case, then I should be able to recognize more thoughts about Him but I did not. Right now I am in a place where I’m trying to sift my time and priorities so that my goals lead me to Him. I have been working so hard on the ‘house of order’ scripture (D&C 188: ) for the past two years. The promise in that says that ‘all your incomings will be in the name of the Lord, and all of your outgoings will be in the name of the Lord’. This is what I am working toward, to completely concentrate my time and talents to glorify God.