6-29-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.30, Day 4

Mosiah 4:6

“If ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life…”

I feel the author is spot on with the physiological processes that builds testimony.  There does seem to be an order to which certain things must build on one another.  I love how she has captured the process she went through with experience of her own journey, and not working off of someone else’s theory. 

I feel this scripture goes along with the beliefs associated with the first one.

Mosiah 4::9

“Believe in God, believe that he is, and that he created all things in both heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doeth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”

I remember a few months ago in my morning studies I read this verse.  I can’t really explain what happened but somehow in the process of life, God opened my heart and let me to know this verse.  I remember sitting there crying feeling the Spirit swirl in and through my heart causing me to believe what I wanted to believe.  Now I know He does have all wisdom and power and that I know nothing.

I have struggled for answers enough in my life to know that I have no power of my own to devise solutions.  It is a strange balance:  it’s not totally me, and it’s not all Him, but as I ask God, he provides.  I have come to know of His matchless power, or His power to heal me and take away my past sins.  There was once when I was young that I prayed for forgiveness from an addiction I was struggling with.  It does not seem to be logical or just that a child could be too young to not know what addiction was or how to get out of it, and still be stuck in it- but that’s how it was.  One day I was pleading with the Lord to forgive me.  I remember the feelings of guilt that were swept away, and I felt as Enos and asked, “Lord, how is it done?”  It was completely amazing.

The problem I now have is feeling that forgiveness now for my current sins.  I have prayed for  forgiveness; I have been working on repenting.  Maybe there is more I must do to reverse the cycle.  And if my guilt were swept away, I would not feel the motivation to do it.  I think I hurt most with ruptured relationships, or when I ask someone to forgive me, and they won’t.  How do I get past that?  Maybe it lies in accepting things I cannot control. 

I have learned that every human heart has four basic needs: to learn, to love, to live, and to leave a legacy as described by Steven Covey.  It has also been described by President Monson as “we all need to have someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.  Every human heart has a need to belong; to be accepted and loved and to love others in return.  Each of these needs was planted in us to drive us to seek to “Love God above all else, and love our neighbor as ourselves.”  These needs in me drive me to create unity among all of God’s children. 

The problem comes when we try to stick a cheep substitute into the hole of our need.  It causes numbness and blindness.  When that hole is filled with something else, anything else, we no longer feel the drive to find something to put in it, but we do feel a deep lonely aching that something is missing.

“Has this happened to you?  Describe how this belief (or lack of it) impacts your life and influences your compulsive / addictive behaviors.”

This is where I don’t feel my anger problem is an addiction, but it is a prison regardless.  I don’t do it because it gives me euphoria or a temporary fix to forget my pain.  I do it because I don’t understand the truth of the principle of agency and stewardship.  I don’t so much want to have control or dominion over my children as I want them to obey me…  Ok maybe it is control.  When I want them to ‘do it because I said so’ I am in the wrong. 

I recognize God’s patience with me, and His long-suffering.  I want to learn to extend that same patience to my children.  I suppose I need remember the mud on my shoes and to love them through theirs. 

6-28-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 29, Day 3

 

2 N 33:6           

I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell.

Oh yes, I am very acquainted with that pit of personal hell.  It is my worse nightmare; it is as I wrote once in a paper called “Me Not Living my Mission”.  Personal stagnation is what I most fear.  I don’t know if I wrote about it earlier in this journal, but as I was beginning this 12 step process, I read a talk by President Uchtdorf (April 2010) where he said,

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord. (Uchtdorf April 2010)

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”³

When I read this scripture about the horrible pit, I just cried and cried because that day I was in it, stuck being in hell.  I grasped on to this promise with both hands and all my heart.  It goes through my mind many times a day: that He will bring me out of this horrible pit and set my feet upon solid rock.  And even though some days I may feel to sing the song of self-pity, he will put a new song in my mouth and I will rejoice to sing praises to my Precious Redeemer. 

6-27-11 "He did deliver me from bondage" p. 29, day 2

2 N 4:17-19  “Nevertheless and not withstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.  And when I desire to rejoice my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.”

p. 29  From book:  “Nephi, a prophet of God, humbly admits to God that he is harassed by temptation and sin.  Why do you think God wanted him to record this and then allowed it to be preserved and handed down to us?  Who is it that has strengthened Nephi? Who has he learned to trust?  What do you think it is that he trusts the Lord can do for him?  Can you trust that the Lord has enough mercy and power to redeem even you?  Why?”

Nephi was a great Prophet.  He demonstrated great faith and testimony in getting the plates.  He was a leader because he was willing to stand alone doing the right thing; he had to be the first to do it alone, but the Lord was with Him.  When he introspectively sat down to evaluate the kind of person he was, he didn’t look at all the good things he had done.  He saw his sins unavoidably before his view.  Maybe I am not so much different than Nephi, if I dare say so: My self view is consistent with his.  I have felt these words many times, excepting the last sentence.  I do sorrow because of my flesh and sins that keep me away from being near unto my Savoir. 

I know Nephi trusts that the Lord will prepare the way for him to do what the Spirit has commanded him to do.  That faith brought Laben out into the streets drunk, and Nephi preserved a nation though he slaying a wicked man.  I too have felt the promise of the Lord telling me He will prepare the way before me.  It says so in my Patriarticle blessing.  I had that same witness again as I was walking up Newport beach pier after having gained a witness of my Mission.  I remember that feeling of Angels lifting me up and the wind being at my back.  I know that God will support me make me able, to do what He wants me to do.  But even though I know this, I still have to constantly remind myself  of this (Corbridge) “because He is able, He can make us able too.”

I know I am weak.  I know I am nothing as to my own strength as to my own ability to do great things.  I know I can not do them of my own power.  It is that feeling of weakness that motivates me to reach out and rely on God’s strength and power to lift me up.  

But yet still, I want to know how I can rely on Him and trust Him more.

I just listened to Corbridge again.  http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/the-way?lang=eng&query=corbridge    I recognize that am an unclean vessel, but it is because of the Atonement that the Holy Ghost can be with me to bear me up and make me able.   I love Corbridge’s words: “HE IS THE WAY! THE ONLY WAY.  May we have the good sense to follow Him.”  I can trust His power in my weakness.  I know He has that power to snatch me, regardless of the depth of my pit.  I will trust Him more today.