My 12 Step Journal: November 2011

11-27-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 134 Step 10 continued

The thoughts of yesterday’s study kept coming back to me throughout the day. It helped me realize how I demand perfection of my children when I don’t allow them to make mistakes, and how it keeps them from learning. Yesterday I reprimanded my oldest in a way I have never done before, I think for the better. Maybe it was my hormone imbalance, maybe it was my recent studies of Gandhi, and maybe it was my growing abhorrence of sin… Yesterday morning (during scripture study no less) my 3 year old was trying to pull the string for the curtains to open the blinds. My oldest decided she didn’t want her to do that and took it upon herself (despite my encouragement to leave her alone) to enforce her will on her sister. It didn’t go in her favor, so my oldest who is 7 bit my three year old daughter on the hip. It wasn’t terribly hard and I do believe she did use self-restraint, but the whole matter outraged me and my anger ran hot. I spanked the perpetrator and tried to console the hurt one. Allie sat in time out for a while until she told me she was ready to apologize and be nice. That’s when it all came out of me. I cried and pleaded with her; I told her how much it hurt me to see her hurt her sister. I told her of actions and consequences and how our actions affect others; and how Heavenly Father feels about it. I suppose because of my tears, she started crying too. Her tears looked more like drama, but they were real tears. It felt like that time stood still as we shared those few tender moments.

“He did deliver me from bondage” p. 134

I love the transitioning effect of her words that lift me:

“And yet everywhere we look, the creation of God mirrors the eternal truth of life’s transcendent, pulsating rhythm – ever wavering and yet ever progressing.”

She also uses the example of the body, another natural system! I love seeing truth lessons in nature. It truly liberates me!

This is distilled wisdom:

“In the ten years in which I have been consciously trying to apply these principles, I have observed that all other wrongdoing or sin I get into begins when I forget that I of myself am nothing. The minute I start insisting that my will be done, I lose my peace and serenity.”

I look forward to the day I can say of myself “after ten years of consciously trying to apply these principles…” This is also a great starting place to look next time I feel I have lost it.

“He is always “with” us, in the sense that He is always aware of us and awaits our genuine, heart-deep turning to Him.”

“Will-power = OUR will + HIS power.”

WOW! I love this idea about motivation and how repentance becomes possible through grace and mercy. ! Wow ! I never thought of it that way before; that is truly incredible.

11-26-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.129-

Step 10:

“The mighty change of heart does not bring me to a state of perfection but rather to a state of continual repentance and abhorrence of sin.”

p. 130 I like this sentence:

“The mighty change of heart does not bring us to a state of perfection, but rather convinces us of our own powerlessness to be perfect, and turns us to know and trust Him who is perfect enough for us all. The word repentance means literally to “turn again”.

I think I have been trying all my life- trying so hard to try to ‘be perfect’ because I thought that we have to earn our way or that we have to prove ourselves in self-mastery, or that we have to look that way to the other people at church… I’m not sure exactly what it is. I think sometimes at church I got the feeling that everyone was trying to appear to be perfect and I thought I had to do it too. Maybe it’s a paradigm of the” game of the inner ring” (CS Lewis) that is perpetuated subconsciously, like the ‘rage of the mob’ that takes over causing people to do things they wouldn’t normally do… Hum. I guess that’s a result of environment. Anyway, this sentence is so liberating. I am so thankful I don’t have to try to appear to be perfect anymore, because the gospel is one of repentance and not one of perfection.

11-25-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 128 Day 7

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/26?lang=eng Mosiah 26:30

30 Yea, and ^aas often as my people ^brepent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.

That is a very merciful promise. It doesn’t say ‘I’ll forgive them if they never do it again’. It does not appear to be a conditional promise. Regardless of previous or even future circumstances, the promise is that as often as we repent we will be forgiven. That makes God pretty approachable, wouldn’t you say?

How has my perception of the degree of His love changed? I think the greatest change in this has been at the realization of what God, my Heavenly Father, wants for me. Some people imagine up unto themselves a God who is cold and apathetic toward us. I used to feel on an unconscious level this kind of numb relationship regarding how God felt about me.

I truly think I gained my original perceptions about God through the eyes of my childhood. I have seen in my life that as parents the way we are to our children is the later perception they gain of God. I know it is a very heavy weight, but I have seen it through experience that has taught me this reality in my life. So when I learned that God actually is not figuratively sitting in the Lazy Boy reading the news paper, but is actually sitting on the sidelines on the edge of His seat, my perception of Him changed. Now I understand what God wants for me in an active anxious way to succeed and He has already paved the pathway for that to be possible.

11-24-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127, Day 6

I remember once I read that, the lady Prime Minister of England, Margaret Thatcher once said as she took office that she recognized in order to get to a less socialized state in her government and come to a place of peace that she knew she would first have to go through periods of conflict. This thought was the first thing that popped into my mind when I read Colleen’s thoughts here. I had never connected the idea of progress with it before. That is a very empowering feeling. I feel that it is true, that progress does not happen in a perfectly straight line. There is also a book just out that, as far as I can gather, talks about this principle. It’s called the Zigzag principle. Leslie Householder is promoting it. A friend of mine also described this principle once when she said that our path to our mission is like a zigzag. Others looking at us judgmentally may see that we are all over the place and don’t know what we’re really doing, but we know as we follow God the Zigzag gets smaller and smaller, eventually leading us to our desired end. I do see that it is obvious, and attained through a process of persistence and work.

The periods of war and peace in my life that come evidently to mind are within my marriage, and they interestingly enough seem at first thought to correspond to periods of war and peace within myself as evidence of my own feeling of closeness to God. 8 and a half years ago when Josh and I got married we both brought to the marriage the baggage of previous marriages. I think prejudice and pride would be the best way to describe our baggage. I was horribly defiant and he was terribly tyrannical. We would fight and pull against the other until war broke out. I remember once he left me after a fight (at the temple no less) four months after we were just married. We have been through all sorts of desolation: broken doors, computers, phones. It has been an incredible blessing that no one has ever raised a fist in anger to another person. Mom reminded me yesterday of a catsup bottle that once went flying across the kitchen in the most perfect flat centrifugal action. It was like watching a slow motion scene in The Matrix. The funny thing that I can see now is that I was at war with the wrong party. I was at war with him because I didn’t know myself, and because I hadn’t come to truly know my God. The progress this book has brought me in that process is completely priceless and amazing. I am studying Gandhi right now, and he describes it as the process of self-actualization as a means to purify yourself to grow closer to God. I love Gandhi. There are some things he believed that I do not agree with, but some things that I find perfectly synonymous as he describes himself that I feel are also from the depths of my own soul. He never thought so of himself, but I believe it is because of his humility that made him a Great Soul.

11-23-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p.127 Day 5

Jarom 1:12

Ashamed for being stirred up to anger- Yes; Repentance, no. It has been a little painful and sometimes I have wondered at the value of drudging up the past, but in hind-sight I can see that as these things get resolved then the past truly gets resolved and then there is nothing left to drudge up. By what means? We are admonished to watch and pray continually. Every day I pray and acknowledge our weakness before God, repenting and asking for strength. Just by desiring to improve, then I repent and get better. Repentance is not about condemnation, it is about improvement, so we can continually grow closer to the Savoir and feel more and more of His light and His love. We also get to take of the Sacrament every week to renew our baptismal covenants. This helps us deeply ponder on ways that we can change (repent) so that we can become more like the Savoir.

Personal application: I was actually talking to my Mom yesterday about the ways my kids have been trying to stir up my anger- to ‘get my goat’. She says they intentionally do things just to get a flare because they get a kick out of it. I said that that’s evil, and she said that’s true. It’s like there’s a ‘monster’ under the covers and they taunt and tease to get her to come out, but she doesn’t want to come out. They will continue to taunt and tease until I eliminate the monster within me. I am getting better and gaining control within. Weather or not it will ever happen again is not the point; but the fact that I am improving is all the Lord expects of me.

11-21-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127 Day 4

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/10?lang=eng

23 Therefore, ^acheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are ^bfree to ^cact for yourselves—to ^dchoose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

I have seen this through my garden and the Law of the Harvest with the Z model. I can see through Natural Law that it is true that we are free to choose our results because we choose our approach. It has also shown me that God gave us a “space” where in to dwell and learn for ourselves by our own experience to know to price the good and shun the evil. This is what I work to do in my home: to create a learning environment and all that means in relation to the paradigms that I have. I realize that if I want my children to learn for themselves (and to be the kind of leaders God has shown me is possible) then I must needs ‘allow’ them to learn within the bounds (or rules) that I set in my home. I think too often our “natural-man parent” wants to just demand and force the situation or ‘do it cause I said so’. If we truly want them to learn for themselves, it requires endless patience to explain and teach the reasons, so they can truly come to understand the Natural Law. If we base the laws in our home on God’s law, then they will eventually come to see the wisdom in it and come to understand how God deals with His children.

One lesson I learned for myself through my own experience was the connection between morality, modesty, and self-identity. When I was a teenager I had a low self-esteem and didn’t know who I was. I lacked acceptance at home and went outside the home looking for it in friends and worse boyfriends. I lowered my standards and got attention from wearing immodest clothes. Looking back, the saddest thing is that I did not let anyone come to see who I really was because I was afraid. I played the part though I was never at peace in my heart. With the clothes I wore, I did not show them who I really was. I felt ugly on the inside and I tried to over-compensate for it by how I looked on the outside. The world can never create a truly confident beautiful woman- only God can do that. God builds us from the inside out to help us know who we really are. He loves us, accepts us, and heals our hearts until we personally know His love so deeply that it really doesn’t matter to any degree the rejection the world gives us. Now that I have learned for myself who I am and that I am beautiful, I can teach my children the truth. When they come to matters of modesty I can tell them about being beautiful on the inside and of God’s love. I know the truth is in my heart, so deep that sometimes I feel like I can’t even explain it. I hope that my children choose to remain pure so that they will know where their true worth lies and know that their powerful beauty shines from deep within because of their purity. There was a saying perpetuated by the world (I remember it from the movie “Liar, Liar”). It was in a scene where the son was talking to the Dad about beauty. The son said (probably not exact quote), “But I thought that true beauty was on the inside.” Then the dad said, “That’s just something that ugly people say to make themselves feel better.” He was lying. Fake beauty is only skin deep and real beauty cannot be bought with money or surgery. Real beauty comes from knowing where your true worth lies, and that’s the truth.

11-17-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127 Day 3

I was thinking of “ease” this morning. I talked to a friend about how the path to captivity is “easy” and the path to freedom is “Work”. I think there are areas of each of our lives that we are stuck in an ‘auto-pilot’ mode where we are not really working to apply our best selves. I have realized recently that I need to work much harder to ‘work’ with the children inspiring them to love to learn. I have realized the weight of my responsibility and the depth of their education that is completely on my shoulders. It would be so much easier to ‘toss the ball’ over to someone else. But God gave them to me. I am the parent, and I am response-able. I know I can never lift the weight of my work alone and I must ask for His power and grace to help me lift it.

Mosiah 4:30

But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not ^awatch yourselves, and your ^bthoughts, and your ^cwords, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and ^dcontinue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

11-16-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 127, Day 2

Daily Inventory… Hum, new idea. An enemy that weakens my strength?

I think an enemy that weakens my influence is trying to control others- it is repulsive not influential. I still feel the ‘monster’ inside me who wants to strike out and tell others what to do. It has been a constant game of ‘give and take’ learning “Which part is mine, and Lord which part is yours? I get so confused sometimes. Could you please tell me which part is mine, and which part is yours?” That’s a song I remember from my youth. It has been the adventure of my life to figure it out. (by the way I have recently decided to use the word of adventure where I used to use the word challenge; Before that I used the word problem instead of challenge. I’m growing! Because I know my mind will create the reality of what ever I call it and believe it to be.)

I found this liberating quote today on facebook:

Heather Madder
" I hold only MYSELF accountable for my OWN JOY, PEACE, HAPPINESS, and SUCCESS in my PURPOSE HERE...Everyone else is off the hook. How freeing for both of us!"

I think this is truly what it means to pull the mote out of your own eye. If I hold myself, and only myself, accountable in all these ways, recognizing my own shortcomings, then I think there is really no room for the hypocrisy that would cause me to desire to point out someone else’s dirty windows. But what about the tyrant that wants to go tell them how to wash their own laundry? I know the example that brought me to where I am. What I do not know is the beliefs that accompany the paradigm of control. Oooo! I have an idea- let’s put it to the test with the Z model…

Leads to left Leads to right

CONTROL AGENCY

Pointing out others faults giving others praise and compliments

Telling others what to do affirming belief in them that they CAN do

Well… looks like this still needs some work… Allowing them to learn for themselves

My desire to be in control My desire to see them grow

11-15-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” p. 126, Day 1

I feel Nephi’s words with the ‘sins that do so easily beset me’. I have felt the ‘thorn in the flesh’ like Paul and because of my pride must have it remain lest I fall because of vanity. God’s grace is truly sufficient for me. It is the weak things of the world that will thrash the nations, not those who are confident and strong. I am mighty only in relying on His strength and I depend on Him only because I know I am so small and weak; I am nothing without Him, but with Him I CAN do ANYthing. -1 + infinity still = infinity. He will do with me what He sees fit and I will trust in Him. He gives me the words; He gives me good desires; He lifts my thoughts, strengthens my knees, and gives me wings. His love is transcendent to my inadequacies. How else would an unbelieving world see the hand of God?

It reminds me of a part in “The Dream Giver” where after Nobody becomes Somebody he starts to fight battles in the name of the Dream Giver. Every battle he fights is another chance to give glory to the Dream Giver. Every time he doesn’t know where to strike, he asks for guidance. I love the story of Joshua and the Walls of Jericho. They were so small and weak compared to the great warriors on top of the wall. It would appear to the would that it was impossible for Joshua to obtain the land the Lord had promised him. Facts didn’t matter to Joshua; he believed the Lord’s promise anyway. God gave him instructions of what to do and he trusted God, despite whatever his eyes showed him to the contrary. After he had followed the instructions he kept believing, doubting nothing, as he watched and waited in that moment; the very moment when it was God’s turn to keep His promise. I believe the walls fell because Joshua continued to believe, despite what his eyes saw. He just watched with perfect faith UNTIL they fell. Maybe he even saw the image in his mind of the walls falling. God was able to keep His promise because Joshua did not doubt; because the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness had prepared him to have perfect faith. He knew it because he had seen God keep His promise time and time again.

In my own struggle, I have slowly been learning a little bit of this kind of faith. My toilet has helped with the repetition, creating the habit of believing and visualizing. Where I am currently feeling the most inadequate is in my parenting skills. I see the children yelling at each other because Josh and I yell. It’s painful to see results in my life that I don’t like. I want to see them showing feelings charity for each other: being kind, talking nicely etc… Perhaps it is unrealistic to think it can be that way all the time; maybe at least for now. In our learning phases there will be up and down times; we just have to learn from the down times otherwise there is no benefit for having experienced it in the first place. I get so overwhelmed so easily. All the details bog me down and I can’t see the big picture. That’s when I start drowning. For me, I have to have my eye of faith focused on the most important thing in order to give meaning and purpose to all the small and simple things I do. It doesn’t work for me the other way around. I loose motivation when caught in the thick of thin things.

I was talking to my Mom last night. She has been here now for over a week taking care of me on bed-rest and taking care of the children. While I’ve been on bed-rest it has been a good opportunity to take a step back and observe my children’s behavior, while not having to take the active role of the care giver. I love how my Mom’s words are sweet, patient, and kind. She is creating a nurturing atmosphere of love. When I was in her shoes a couple of weeks ago, I see that my words have been more snappy and demanding, rather than sweet and king. I have created with my words an atmosphere of contention.… Hence that is why Teren is snappy and demanding. Ouch. I think somehow what I am focusing on is causing the tone of my voice and the mood consequently that I create. What have I been focused on? Some days I’m just focused on surviving, feeling a heavy burden, just trying to make it through. That focus is in the mud- too short term to create positive results. In my long-term vision of family I imagine and hope to create a family where we have learned how to take care of ourselves, learned assets to serve others, and then learned how to turn our focus outward to be a true friend to the Savoir in moving forward His work serving and giving as a family. I suppose that does not mean that we have learned how to be perfectly sweet to each other every moment of every day. Primarily it is more important that we are moving forward toward that vision than it is perfection in each step. I think the step I have been missing is getting my family focused on the vision with me, so they can see WHY I am trying to help them do what I want them to do. I have been wanting to learn how to share “vision” so now God sweetly presents me this pain and the opportunity to solve it through sharing vision. He is so merciful. It is truly amazing to me the ways the Lord teaches me to help me gain real deep true change in my very state of BE. Not just learning to change my behavior of DO, but that the source of the fountain becomes changed… which is what I have prayed for.

I am so thankful for the gift of friends who help me understand my heart as we talk together (my Mom in this case) and for the gift of writing that has helped me to clarify my pain and the solution. I truly do have ALL that I need, and God is ever so merciful. It seems in our daily savings account I put in one penny of effort and He puts in .99 cents. It’s so much more than a 50/50 “401k” savings plan. I give my widow’s mite, and He makes up all that I lack. I am so grateful for His mercy and grace.

Gandhi Quotes:

Gandhi Quotes: from http://www.mkgandhi.org/epigrams/contents.htm

It is a first class human tragedy that people of the earth who claim to believe in the message of Jesus, whom they describe as the Prince of Peace, show little of that belief in actual practice.

Do not flatter yourselves with the belief that a mere recital of that celebrated verse in St. John makes a man a Christian. TIG-68

If I had to face only the Sermon on the Mount and my own interpretation of it, I should not hesitate to say, ‘O yes, I am a Christian.' T-2-29

I do not accept the orthodox teaching that Jesus was or is God incarnate in the accepted sense or that he was or is the only son of God. XXV-85

I love Christianity, Islam and many other faiths – through Hinduism. BUNCH-110

The scriptures of Christians, Mussalmans and Hindus are all replete with the teaching of ahimsa.

The Allah of Islam is the same as the God of Christians and the Ishwar of Hindus. T-4-252

Civil disobedience is not only the natural right of a people, especially when they have no effective voice in their own Government, but that it is also a substitute for violence or armed rebellion.

Mass civil disobedience is like an earthquake, a sort of general upheaval on the political plane.

Non-co-operation means refusal both to help the sinner in his sin and to accept any help or gift from him till he has repented. XX-34

Non-co-operation is protest against an unwitting and unwilling participation in evil.

Non-co-operation is an attempt to awaken the masses to a sense of their dignity and power.
MM-179

Non-co-operation enables us to show that in everything that matters we can be independent of the Government. XX-131

It is the duty of a non-co-operator to preach disaffection towards the existing order of things. Non-co-operators are but giving disciplined expression to a nation’s outraged feelings.

True nonviolence is mightier than the mightiest violence.

Nonviolence, in its dynamic condition means conscious suffering

Nonviolence which is a quality of the heart, cannot come by an appeal to the brain.

Nonviolence is an intensely active force when properly understood and used. T-4-141

Nonviolence, when it becomes active, travels with extraordinary velocity, and then it becomes a miracle.

If one does not practise nonviolence in one’s own personal relations with others and hopes to use it in bigger affairs, one is vastly mistaken.

Love is a rare herb that makes a friend even of a sworn enemy and this herb glows out of nonviolence.

If God holds me to be a pure instrument for the spread of nonviolence in place of the awful violence now ruling the earth, He will give me the strength and show me the way.

Nonviolence does not signify that man must not fight against the enemy, and by enemy is meant the evil which men do, not the human beings themselves.

A little of true nonviolence acts in a silent, subtle, unseen way and leavens the whole society.

Use truth as your anvil, nonviolence as your hammer and anything that does not stand the test when it is brought to the anvil of truth and hammered with ahimsa, reject as non-Hindu.

The practice of truth and nonviolence melted the religious differences, and we learnt to see beauty in each religion.

It is the acid test of nonviolence that in a nonviolent conflict there is no rancor left behind, and in the end the enemies are converted into friends.

A rabbit that runs away from the bull-terrier is not particularly non-violent.

Tolstoy was the greatest apostle of nonviolence that the present age has produced.

11-14-11 Gandhi v.s. Captian Moroni

11-14-11

As these truths of not controlling others and expecting a specific outcome are sinking down into my heart. I’ve been trying to figure out what this looks like for me as a parent. In combination with “He did deliver me from bondage”, yesterday I read in Thomas Jefferson Education, Companion book. In my home-schooling program, this allowing paradigm is also the foundation. I am beginning to see what it means to invite and allow; to gently ask but not force. There is much of the “force” paradigm in me. I am trying to figure out how to change my very character to one that invites with love. Maybe this in itself is a life-time pursuit.

The Higher Law

http://lds.org/liahona/1999/08/the-higher-law?lang=eng&query=agree+with+adversary

After having read this, I feel rest assured that there is a time to defend my life and my family. God would surly honor the one who chose as the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s to prostrate themselves before their enemies. However, for the sake of our children and the generations that must remain to prepare the earth for the Second Coming of the Savoir, I have come to settle on ecclesiastics “There is a time to kill and a time to heal…”

I whole heartedly feel that we should not have any contempt or anger for others, even if they are trying to kill us. I believe there is a time to use words in the war of “principalities and powers”, and that this is that time. In this last General Conference, the opening prayer he prayed that the WORD might have a greater effect on the minds of the people than anything else. I fully agree that this is that time to pull out all our weapons of faith, hope and love (not of fear, urgency, or anger) that we may sweep the great and spacious building one last time before it crashes to the ground like the Twin Towers did on”9-11”. I speak of the non-violent resistance taught by Gandhi. Now is not the time to stir up hearts to anger. It is the time to settle and resolve firmly and surely on the truth; to decide what we can do and do it.

Every living soul born to the earth at this time has a purpose and reason for being here. It is not coincidence. God had a plan for allowing us to be born right now in history. It is each of our responsibility to find out what that purpose is and do it, regardless of what anyone else may say or do. We are accountable to God, not man. Let no man cause thee fear, only what God can do.

11-13-11 Scripture searching

D&C 19:18

Christ didn’t want to do it because He was afraid he would shrink…

“Our Lord knew well what each of us must learn: that pain and fear are two of those elements of opposition we must allow to exist but not allow to hamper our journey of recovery.”

D&C 97:8

To be accepted of the Father we must be willing to observe our covenants through every sacrifice He may require.

To sacrifice our comfort zones…

Interestingly enough this is what is also required to live your true mission: to sacrifice this comfort zone.

“We cannot postpone this work of making amends forever.”

Her arguments are so compelling. What choice do I really have? It’s not if, but when: Now or Later.

p. 124 LET GO OF RESULTS

I think this is the reason why I was not ready before. I so wish she would have told me to wait…

“We must realize that how other people choose to react to our efforts is NOT our business… The only person I can bring to Zion is myself.”

Including our children… This is the blaring line of true agency. There it is and it can no longer be mistaken or obscure.

Alma 42:27

I just feel so sad for those that choose not to come… They are missing SO much.

“special brand of humility”… How else would I learn true meekness (to be like the Savoir in very essence) except it be through the rejection of others. Of course it’s within the will of the Lord because He knows truly what I need to learn.

3 N 12:44-45

I used to be the one judging who thought the sun should only rise on the good and not the evil. Now being judged and rejected is the perfect opportunity for me to show true repentance for that sin.

I am so grateful that He is allowing me to learn this. It must hurt Him to see me in such pain. It will all be for the best when all is said and done.

Conclusion:

The person I’ve hurt the most is me. I never thought of that before… So no mater the pain I think I’ve caused someone else, my pain is still worse?

Maybe is true because all the torture I have given myself by not living my mission with joy. I ate pain when I could have eaten freedom.

“Often we view making amends as a form of punishing ourselves”

True dat!

“finally loving ourselves… free to receive and trust revelation”

I am free! Free at last. Others reactions to my repentance is not my business. I release it to Him who knows best.

11-13-11 same chapter continued p.120

“Our objective is not to go to others and say, “You hurt me and I forgive you” in a condescending manner. Our objective is to say, “I have retained a lot of self-pity and defensiveness over this problem between us, and I need to apologize for that.”

Talk about hit me right between the eyes! I have wanted to apologize and make amends but I think in my past attempts they have been of this first attitude. I forgive myself for that because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now I see how I can know how to do better.

Counterfeit peace:
I think this is what I have experienced before in my life. Perhaps this is why I despise “masks” and “pretending” so much. Deeply, it kills me. I love her words, ‘a veneer of “fineness”’ It’s like when we use the cliché’, “How are you today; oh fine”. We pretend we are fine, but we are not. I think we answer that way because we don’t believe the question is sincere or that anyone really cares to know the truth. The ‘cover up’ is all a great big fat lie!

I like what she says about covering up our feelings,

“The only problem is that when that outward peace has been purchased by denying and avoiding our real feelings, we have paid too far high a price.”

She talks about how this deadens our listening skills and then we fail to listen to the Holy Ghost who speaks to us through our feelings. I have seen that this is true in my life. The Spirit has lead me to get out of ‘the cover up’ by sharing my feelings with others. I used to be so closed. I was so afraid that people didn’t care or that they didn’t want to listen to what I had to say. After all the rejection in my youth, I eventually stopped trying. I turned into a victim and licked my wounds. During the process of getting out of my victim pit in the past for years, one of the things the Spirit has lead me to do is to share my feelings with others. It started with a class I was taking with the Quintilian School of Oratory. The mentor encouraged us every time we talked to share what we were learning with others. This was so powerful because it not only taught us how to be Orators through practice, we also learned as we taught. More importantly I had to have courage to share, which started to help me see that others did care what I thought. It was a vital beginning for me.

The List:

I am scared. I tried making amends before when I thought I should, but I hurt others worse. I shouldn’t have done it then; it was too soon and I hadn’t forgiven them so it came out as poison. I wish I could go back and take it all back… I wish someone would have told me what the right time looked like. How do I know I am ready to do this so that it will not hurt anyone anymore! That’s’ the whole stinkin’ reason I feel so bad in the first place is because I hurt them. I don’t want to offend anymore. I have relied on God’s love to do what I thought I should do, and now it’s worse. I am letting fear control me because I fear their ill will against my prospective actions, and therefore my fear creates my reality. Maybe that’s prejudice…

Alma 7:15… Show unto your God that ye are willing to repent…

“If we will pray for the gift of His love, to be able to feel about others they way the Lord does, we will be able to transcend any barrier that keeps us from coming to peace with everyone.”

I will write the letter, keep it in my heart; then when they are ready I will give it.

11-12-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” Step Nine

11-12-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” Step Nine: Blessed are all the Peacemakers

“Living the principles we have covered so far in this course will have the effect of establishing Zion within each participant’s heart.”

This is a pretty big claim, and I can honestly say that I believe it’s true. I have felt a desire for every member of my Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) to participate in this program. These steps are actions steps to Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and Repentance. (4^th Article of Faith) In the early days of our Church’s history the Elders and teachers were told to only teach Faith and Repentance. I believe this is also true today. There are members that like to pontificate on how God became God and who God’s father is- yet they do not know how to ‘liken scriptures unto ourselves’. They have not yet learned how to pull the mote out their own eye, or ‘turn the other cheek’. These are the very most basic principles of the doctrine of Christ, regardless if which religion you belong to. These steps are the beginning for all those who would hope to be worthy to call themselves Christian’s. Even though we have differences of specifics, Christ is common to us all. If we truly want to follow His teachings and grow closer to Him, then this is the way to begin for all Faith’s. I believe these steps are where we can unite and agree that Jesus is the Christ, and this is how we become like Him. I also think that those who are already members of the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints CAN gain this knowledge for themselves if they will follow the Prophet and read their scriptures ‘likening all things unto themselves’ and seeking ‘to receive the Holy Ghost’. Far too few do. The statistics prove this fact by the numbers who pay their tithing or attend the temple. If they were living the gospel in their hearts and their homes, it would show in the numbers as a small indication of the greater part of their unseen private religion. So until those of my religion realize the precious pearl of great price they hold and have rattling around in their scripture bag, then I invite all to come and see. Come and be changed; come and be healed. Come, so that we may bring again Zion and ‘shorten the time’ till our Savoir comes. Is there something else you want more than this ultimate treasure? For myself, there is nothing I hold dearer or hope more deeply than to see His face when He comes again. Please come. Lay down your shovel for a while; set aside the cares of this world for a time and come drink from living waters so that your heart may find peace and bring a profound sense of meaning to all the other things we much do in this lifetime to sustain life. What ever your pain, who ever you are, what ever you have done, where ever you are along the path of the journey of life; this is the place to begin. I would treasure the chance to walk this journey with you. Come, let’s journey together.

"THE ABILITY TO WALK PEASEABLY WITH OTHERS BEGINS WITHIN"

I have felt this very truth before: that Zion begins in my heart and swells outward. I love how she talks about not fighting evil and the need to stop focusing on the fly in the car along the drive through the Grand Canyon. This is so right for me right now on my journey. With my studies of Gandhi I am seeking to learn ahimsa (non-violence). I believe she’s right when she said that it would not be Zion to not allow them their turn to speak or to boot them out. I do feel it important to cast Satan out, but if we continue to cast out those who erroneously follow him then how can we rescue them and bring them Home? Father loves them just as much as He loves me. Who will rescue them if we reject them? I agree that we should let them have their voice, and then continue undeterred strong and sure toward the North Star. Don’t heed the untruth they say, be patient, and allow them to learn for themselves.

I love the story I read the other day. (Ch.9 of “Daughters of my Kingdom”) President Kimball was sitting with a reporter in an interview and the reporter (who had the viewpoint of the world) asked President Kimball, “Have you ever seen heaven?” Maybe the reporter was hoping for some spectacular vision or amazing story. President kindly replied, “Yes I see glimpses of heaven every day. I saw it just this morning as I sealed a man and wife in the temple for their marriage ceremony. I see it when I see a family kneel down for family prayer.” He told the reporter of the small and simple ways that God’s hand is manifest President Kimball helped the man see that truth in not in the grand and amazing, but in the small and simple. Then he taught about the principle of heaven by defining what it is.

I love this story because it shows how we can handle times when we are asked questions from the perspective of the world, and how we can gently teach the truth. I see this is the way to call people out of that great and spacious building, lovingly showing them there is a better way, instead of hitting them over the head with a club and telling them they’re doing it all wrong. That tactic will push them further away from Christ because they feel rejected. This is how to persuade with love, like President Kimball did.

This is classic what she said to those voices on her committee:

“I recognize you have a right to be, to exist. God allowed you to be on my committee. There must be something I can benefit from by having you established in my memory. God accepts you the way you are, allows your attitudes and choices to be just as you want them, but He doesn’t pay any attention to the lies you still believe and speak. He recognizes them for what they are and goes on with His own work. I desire to be like Him in every way. ..”

That’s all for today. More tomorrow…

11-11-11 “He did deliver me from bondage” Day 7

3 N 14:12 (see also Matt 7:1-12)

I gotta tell you!! This is SO cool! This is one of those moments when I know my studies are on the right track. I was thinking of this scripture just yesterday. And I have wanted to study the Sermon on the Mt this week, particularly in connection to Gandhi’s teaching about ‘non-violence’. So here I am, and it ties in with my current book of study. That is NOT just coincidence!

I am sitting here pondering over these verses 1-12. v. 12 is the therefore conclusion of everything he says just previous to it. He talks about how we see others (not judging by what is seen), He talks about the mote and the beam (to me meaning change yourself and stop trying to control others) and then he talks about giving good gifts (or the actions we give in service to others).

As I sit here thinking I realize that I must apply the very injunction he is giving here (To ask, seek, and knock) so that I might understand the very words he is trying to teach. Like the Nephites after his teachings I feel there is more here that I cannot understand yet. I feel strongly there is much more depth here than is typically assumed by men. I think I could study this every day for the rest of my life and still not get the depth in it. I know I must do more than study to truly understand; I must go do and practice. In applying I will gain the enlightenment of true understanding.

In my home I am up against the struggle of changing traditions of my “fathers”. The natural man and the way society is run is to force, coerce, and manipulate children into doing what we want them to do. The sad reality is that if as parents we employ these communistic tactics then our will not only come to do them as they get older, they will draw themselves and others toward captivity.

I have to figure out a way to stop the yelling and ‘or else’ punishments. Ironically enough with my bed-rest I’m on right now, I have had to do just this. I know if I say I will do something, then I have to do it. I have learned in the past few months that if I warn them of a consequence, then I always follow through. They have seen me keep my words and I have seen them gain trust in what I say; therefore they have learned to listen and obey where as before that they did not listen to me. So now I am constrained into a position of not threatening violence because I cannot get up to follow through. I am being constrained to allow them their choice to be disobedient, letting ‘Grandma’ enforce the consequences. For now at least I am learning from it.

So I look at these verses in figuring out how to change the very cycle of behavior in my home to one of threat of violence to one of love and persuasion. I am also looking for how I need to handle situations when others choose not to forgive me and hold offence. I read some where on this site http://www.mkgandhi.org/nonviolence/nonvio.htm that non-violence (ahisma) means to cause no offense. This has been perplexing me because certainly we do things that we do not intend offensive that cause others to take offense. Or they are in a state of hard-heartedness that everything I say is wrong.

I had a friend tell me a story the other day about an ex-boyfriend of hers was saying hurtful things (because he felt hurt from previous actions). I don’t know how she did it, but every time he said something hurtful, she gave him a compliment. She told him that she believed in him and she knew he had a lot of potential. It took a few times before he believed she was being sincere instead of sarcastic. Somehow I need to find this kind of love in my heart to give good for evil so that the cycle can be reversed.

I had thought I was a devoted Christian; I thought I was following Christ, but as I look at my violent actions they are leading me and others away from the desired result to grow closer to Christ. If I am to act like a true Christian, then I must find a way to always be filled with true charity and truly never desire to cause anyone hurt either emotionally or physically. I know the results of violence and they lead away from Christ, toward captivity. On the other hand, as a parent I have certainly seen there are times I ‘must reprove sharply’. What that means may not be the same to all people at all stages of learning. I guess the bottom line is that ‘all I can do’ is to do my best today, and trust God to make up for all that I yet lack.

In “He did deliver me from bondage” she says that we “do to others as we believe WE DESERVE to have done to us.” That is something I had never considered. What do I believe I deserve? Personally, I have a painful awareness of the ‘constant sins which do so easily beset me’. I know because of my natural man that I ‘deserve’ nothing. It is only by grace that I am justified and given good gifts. That’s why I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I receive, because I know I do not deserve them.

To give to others what I think I deserve in this case is not what I think she means. To give through grace as He gives to me I think would be more accurate to what He would want me to give others. To give precisely the grace that they do not deserve feels more right to me. People hurt others because they have been hurt. Christ would want me to understand their pain instead of being offended by it. That reminds me that Joseph Smith said that I have a conscience void of offense towards God, and towards all men. http://lds.org/scriptures/search?lang=eng&query=offense+god+man&x=0&y=0

I have wondered before that if this was meant in what offense he gave or if it was offense he chose not to take. Maybe he still felt love, even for those that would murder him. As did Christ when he said in one of his last prayers, “for give them for they know not what they do”. –Both having no desire to hurt others or any measure of ill-will toward their executioners. http://lds.org/scriptures/search?lang=eng&type=verse&query=forgive+know+not+do

I want to understand how to live with this kind of charity; to have it BE part of my being; part of who I am. There is still much violence in me that needs to be rooted out. In this I await for the grace of deliverance.

I love Gandhi’s words when he said,

“I learnt the lesson of nonviolence from my wife, when I tried to bend her to my will. Her determined resistance to my will, on the one hand, and her quiet submission to the suffering my stupidity involved, on the other, ultimately made me ashamed of myself and cured me of my stupidity in thinking that I was born to rule over her and, in the end, she became my teacher in nonviolence.”

http://www.mkgandhi.org/nonviolence/phil1.htm

I think Jesus Christ also learned this quality of meekness from a woman: his Mother, Mary. I think this quality in her was one very core reason why she was chosen to be His mother. This quality became the Savior’s very core as well, and the foundation of His life in word and deed.

I know it’s a painful path of submission and true charity, but I really want to learn it. I think this is the true path of discipleship of Jesus Christ. It is the hardest and the most rewarding path we can take.